Canada wins gold in Olympic hockey!

Great Uncle Sprague is pleased.
Can't you tell?

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 98, Chapter 77, Paragraph 34

Widescreen LCD HD Television not getting as bright as it used to? Take the unit down from its mounting and open up the back. Ignore any "do not open this television" warning stickers or custom factory bolts. Once you've got that fucker cracked wide open, surgically remove any resistors (not capacitors) you can find imprinted on or attached to any circuit boards throughout the unit. It really doesn't matter what you replace them with because TVs these days are all digital and it won't know the difference. As you solder replacement pieces, feel free to use malt vinegar or salt water to cool the heat sinks. The screen should be restored to its full effect after 4-6 hours worth of work. Why remove the resistors? Well, they are seriously old school and just tend to resist change. Resist. Get it? Yeah, you get it. Now, go get me a fucking Cap'n & Coke.

Easter Egg

SpaceFarmer's Useless Obituary

The TUB loses an editor
Most of American mourns

Born into relative obscurity, raised in a Colombian orphanage and educated at some of the finest beauty and technical academies the world over, SpaceFarmer-1 passed away on Friday evening from unknown natural causes in a low gravity, high oxygen, sub orbital environment.

His exact age was unknown but was estimated to be between 31 and 170. Although it not clear what it means, his publicist stated that "he is figuratively survived by everyone on Earth, alive or dead."

SpaceFarmer, commonly known as "The People's Champion of Useless Rights", had recently achieved worldwide recognition and infamy as the creator, editor and co-contributor of The Totally Useless Blog. The TUB, as it is known, was first published online in September of 2005 and later led to a string of successful political commentary novels, several massively popular blogs and a daytime talk show hosted by Tony Danza, all of which is still owned and operated by one of SF-1's own parent companies, Third Option Media.

SF-1 believed that his writing was the true voice of the people (well, the people that he knew, at least) and he was always proud, to the point of being egotistic, of his ability to interpret everyday life into a steady stream of garbled madness, hysterical lists, historical tidbits, disturbing images and hypnotic animations.

For reasons hitherto unknown to anyone that knew him on a personal or professional level, during TUBteam meetings and presentations with financial investors and corporate watchdogs, SpaceFarmer would often say (rather loudly while using an overblown female Southern accent) that he was "your favorite representative of insane weirdos everywhere. An expert tunnel rat and certified geek-boy, I can unquestionably turn that frown upside down! YEE HAW!" He would then proceed to do his trademark "Hib Dab Dibbity Dog-Dog" Dance.

A self proclaimed independent nation, and President of the "You're Not That Important" Club (Worcester County Chapter, Lodge #2323), SpaceFarmer was always cleared for mental and spiritual takeoff.

In the mid to late 1990's, SpaceFarmer ran for various public offices in the United States and Canada under the pseudonym "Elmo Van Dickers."

During his brief and totally unsuccessful campaigns, he worked in conjunction with the US State Department and certain unnamed members of the League Of Women Voters on plans to desalinize the Atlantic Ocean and commence the immediate bombing of Greenland.

Although none of these intentions ever became reality, "Elmo" is remembered for his inability to pay attention to anyone and obnoxiously interrupt any and all conversations. He would then immediately relate whatever topic was being discussed to either one of his aforementioned psychotic plans while rapidly blinking his eyes. He would follow any interruption by stating that he "was not sorry" and, using a small black leather glove, he would proceed to slap the face of the person he was speaking with.

Weighing in at more than 1/8th of a ton spread out over an impressive 6'4" frame of white hot manliness, SpaceFarmer enjoyed a plethora of unusual hobbies including skinny skiing, going to bullfights on acid, flying stunt kites during terrorist attacks and collecting antiques made of cobalt blue glass (and then smashing them to pieces while humming the Russian national anthem.)

Known for such highball workplace pranks as "day care bomb threat snow day ha-ha's" and "pretend used condom and a phony note from your wife" usually landed him into more trouble than he could commonly deal with.

At the time of his unfortunate death, SpaceFarmer was surrounded by gorgeous prototypes from his Life Sized SF-1 Action Figure Line who had been shipped in from the local toy factories to "witness his passing."

His final words were "on my deathbed, I have achieved total consciousness... so I have that going for me... which is nice. SPACEFARMER OUT!"

SF-1 is literally survived by his impressive Curling sport uniform pants collection, his beloved fighting pugs and his goldfish "Fuckface."

SpaceFarmer will not be missed. Or... will he?


(Donations can be sent to The SpaceFarmer Fund via the following Paypal account: spacefarmer1@hotmail.com.)

What's wrong with this picture?

• The Gold Foil Shirt?
• The pointy elven shoes?
• The painful reality that is Community Theater?
  
• The obvious sweatpants?
• The... wait... is that... oh my god, what is that?
• The not so subtle devil horns?
• The inherent creepiness?
• The giant man hands?
  
• Everything?
  

Oh, by the way...

Tsunami Warning Cancelled

NANTUCKET—With a rapt world watching the drama unfold on live television during the breaks in the 2010 Olympic Winter Games in Vonncouver, a tsunami raced across a quarter of the globe on Saturday and set off fears of a repeat of the carnage that caught the world off guard in Kansas in 2004.

The tsunami delivered nothing more than a glancing blow to the islands off the coast of Massachusetts and the North End in Boston, but Provincetown was still bracing for a direct hit, a good solid rump fuck and gnarly waves up to 10 feet high. Scientists worried the giant wave of water and homosexuality could gain strength as it rounds the planet. consolidates and penetrates the Commonwealth.

The tsunami was spawned by a ferocious magnitude-8.8 earthquake in the Laurentian Abyss that sent waves barreling across the Atlantic and south past Thor's Twins at the speed of a 1907's era jetliner. But Atlantic islands had ample time to prepare because the quake struck several thousand miles away.

By the time the tsunami hit Nantucket-- a full 16 hours after the quake -- officials had already spent the morning ringing emergency sirens, hunting giant sharks, blaring warnings from airplanes, arguing city officials wearing hideous suits and ordering residents to higher ground.


The Islands had originally prepared to bear the brunt of the damage, but the tsunami was smaller than anticipated. "We dodged a bullet," said Doctor Professor Robert Ballard a smart guy that does stuff with things at a place called Woods Hole.

What else did Massachusetts dodge?

• Martha Coakley
• Aunt Regina's Bloody Beef Stew
• 2009
  
• The incredible sport of Curling
• Jonestown
• Winning the Superbowl
• Russia
  
• Gainful employment
• Decent Tattoos
• Tim Horton
• Mandatory Bluetooth Headsets
• No taxation without representation
• Summer
• Half decent highways
• The British Monarchy
  

Today's Useless Animation

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 37, Chapter 109, Paragraph 82

Need to take down an over-sized tree on your property? First off, you're going to need a lot of beer for this job. Not some sissy pants blueberry fucktard lager like you'd find in some faggy saggy back ass Boston fuck shop but a real beer. A man's-man beer. That's right. Go get two 30 packs of The Silver Bullet. Coors Light, baby. Grab some friends while your at it, crack open a cold one and chug that slick foam and bubbly fuel especially brewed for the red neck in all of us. Then, fire up the grill and make some mesquite bbq flavor chicken wings. Tell your Aunt Libby to bring over that cole slaw that she makes with the secret ingredient. Yeah, that stuff is the shiz-nit. What's the secret? Balls. Anyway, once you've got a full stomach, fire up the chain saw that juggle that fucker until your palms bleed. Neighbors impressed yet? You fuckin' know they are. Later, when you're sitting by the fire don't forget to regale them with tales of that time you were wicked cocked and ran straight through your fence while carrying a flaming stick in order to chase some teenagers who were... wait, what were we supposed to do? Ah, fuck it. Let's eat.

And now, a behind the scene look at The TUB

Yes, that's really what it looks like.

Totally Useless Ways To Say "I gotta take a shit"

• Celebrate Spring Time for Shitler
  
• Grind up some skinless sausage.
• Let Romeo climb back down the lattice.
• Pork up the toilet bombers.
  
• Powder coat the ass torpedoes.
  
• Rapunzel wants to let her brown hair down. WAY down.
• Go fishing with a chocolate glazed cruller.
• Smoke some premo Afgani poopium.
• Taking a break in Pvt. Pyles World of Shit
  
• Shine up your ass shoes.
• Force some Mexican sailors to swab the poop deck.
• Let go of my rear-end inhibitions and give in to the dark side.
• Change the shit kittens litter box.
• Putting up another post on my Crappy Blog
  
• Building a submarine with my brown Legos
• Putting my bladder monkeys out on parole

So, you want some Happy Elvis?

You want it?
YOU GOT IT.

Peoms By Jar Jar

Meesa Bumba

Heya, howsa you-a doin?
I seen yousa sittin dere
Alla by you self!

No-sa make-a scene
All a screamin for help.
It's just meesa bumba I show you!

Yousa make a funny face
When meesa show meesa bumba to you.
Whatcha thinka meesa gonna do?
Take a poopa right in yousa way?

No!

I jus wan yousa to
Take-a lookit meesa bumba!
Maybe touch wid a pinky finga
And take a sniff.

Peee-yoosa!
Yousa touch da stinky crinkle crinkle!
Oh, yousa dirty dirty!
Don tell yousa momma
What I doosa or I'll fucking kill you kid.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 21, Chapter 2010, Paragraph 44

Bobsled not braking like it used to? GET A JOB.

Today's Useless Everyday Pranks!

• Pop goes the abortion!
• "Yo' Momma's dead, boy!"
• Midnight drunken steam engine driving test!
• Ship yourself to work via Fed-Ex Ground!
• Insist you're black! (or white, yellow, brown, whatever)
• "Honey, I have AIDS, and I got it from Steve!"
• Tell everyone this is YOUR Totally Useless Blog!
• Drive through jerk off! YEEEHAAWWW!
• Guinea Pig Frozen TV Dinner!
• Pretend to be an Disabled Jewish Freemasons!
• Sugar my gastank!
• Go to work as a grocery bagger!
• "I think you should know... this is my first time."
• Colonoscopy gone wrong... horribly, horribly wrong!
• "Pee" the bed (but use high octane gasoline!)
• How about a little game I like to call "insane evil laugh during communion at Saturday Mass" OH YEAH!
• Play "Hooray for Heroin" with your parents!
• Not Fight Club... ICE CREAM CAKE CLUB!
• Call a local television news channel and tell them that J.K. Rowling, that bitch, stole your ideas for Harry Potter and that you actually wrote a book years ago called "Holy Muggle, Holy Wand!"
• If anyone asks... you are John Rhys Davies!
• Form a stupid gang and challenge other gangs to a "dance off!"
• Know someone under house arrest? Call them every 30 minutes to see if they want to go to a movie!
• Go to Friendly's and be a fucking asshole.

Another useless animation

Something we can all hate: Standardized Testing

Counselors air concerns over length of new SAT
Students complain test is exhausting

NEWTON -- Bo Xu's back started to ache, his hand cramped up, and even the hissing heater distracted the Newton North High senior as he tried to tackle the new, much longer version of the SAT in May. And that was after his fellow students had nearly beaten him senseless for having such a stupid name.

Over the past several months, the 17-year-old senior and other students have been complaining about the length of the test to their guidance counselor, Brad MacGowan. Worried, MacGowan began airing his students' concerns to hundreds of counselors around the nation via e-mail and realized he had company. He also realized he had a boner. (WTF?)

This week he sent a letter to the College Board asking it to let students have the option to take the three-part SAT over one to three days, instead of in one sitting of three hours and 45 minutes.

The letter was signed by more than 250 counselors who were hearing the same concerns Xu expressed.

What else do the students not like about the SAT?

• Well, for one, IT'S A TEST.
• It asks unusual questions like "who do you buy your drugs from? a) The starting Quarterback b) Ms. Krieger, the Science II teacher c) The Emo Goths d) all of the above."
• Clearly, no one has asked "what would Jesus test?"
• There is not enough time for the students to drive the under paid teacher monitoring the exam into a dizzying frenzy of frustration and anger that no amount of patience or narcotics will fight off.
• It would be much better if the SAT was taken online so that Chrissy can chat with Billy on IM about last night's iCarly episode on Teen Nick where Carly like totally has a crush on that guy, you know, that guy... yeah him... and she like pretends to ignore him because, like, she doesn't want to, like, OMG, be rejected, or whatever. LOLZ!
• Multiple choice exams are the devil's work and no one likes the devil's work (except for, maybe, Ed Gein.)
  
• Personally, I always thought that SAT meant "Story About Tron!" Can you imagine my disappointment?
• "You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia."
• It's disrupting their all important sexual testing times going on behind the bleachers during study hall.
• In my opinion, the SAT has way too many questions about math, not nearly enough questions about The Goonies.

We think it's important that you know this.

Need a Vacation?

Try JAIL!

Yes, that's right. JAIL. All inclusive state funded resorts are waiting for YOU!!! How can this be true? Because of the Barack Obama STIMULUS PACKAAAAAGE! You can go to jail, go directly to jail and collect your bright orange johnnys on the way. WAY??? WAY!

Jail is super cool. Get on the job training as a lawyer, vet, technician, gansta hood, meth addict or toushie boy meat toy in JAIL! Sleep late, shower once a week and take prison drugs. IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE! And it's absolutely FREE!

Hate your job? GO TO JAIL!

Nagging wife? GO TO JAIL!

Mortgage issues? GO TO JAIL!

Now, you can get away from everything and leave the details up to the MAN! BbbbrrrrrZAP!!! SOLVED!

You've heard the naysayers knock jail as a bad place with killers, theives and rapists, but did you know some of the most successful businesses are run FROM JAIL? You fucking bet!

How do you qualify for this great super paid vacation? CRYMES! Get crymes going and get caught by the fed today! Officer friendly a little slow on the collar? leave EVIDENCE!! D-N-A = BUSTED!

Throw the book at 'em Danno!

You're going...

TO JAIL!

S, WWJD?

Let's say Jesus Christ was around today.

You know... walking, talking, drinking, preaching and having a blast down at The TUB's Annual Beach Party in Rio.

If that were the case, seriously, what WOULD Jesus do?

• Shop at the Wal-Mart on Center Street in Kansas City.
• Forgive George Lucas for his sins of the Jar-Jar.
• Kick the crap out of Sarah Palin and then vote "Independent".
• Turn Reality Television into Wine.
• Use Jesus' Mind Tricks to win big in Vegas.
• Lie, cheat, steal, fuck, kill, lather, rinse, repeat.
  
• Probably play a lot of Wii Sports Resort.
• Nail himself back up on the cross in his front yard on Halloween.
• Pray to Optimus Prime (just like the rest of us)
  
• Demand an explanation for "Zhu Zhu Pets".
• Hopefully, take a naked confession from Flo, The Progressive Insurance woman.
• Star in his local community theater's production of "Jesus Christ Superstar".
• Go get a tribal tattoo because tribal tattoos are the ballz.
• Buy a brand new Dodge Challenger and go really fast on the highways. If he got pulled over he'd just use the "hey, I'm Jesus" excuse to get out of the ticket.
• He has a DVR and with FIOS On-Demand. What the fuck else does he need to be doing?

Totally Useless Inventions

Drunken Boot Lamp

InvisiKids

Flaming Guitar of Awesome

SuperBalls Tank

Impenetrable Box Armor

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 25, Chapter 310, Paragraph 80

Need to bleed air from a forced hot water home heating system? Go to WalMart and purchase a 12 gauge shotgun with buckshot load. Don't worry about having an FID card or being of proper age. They won't know the difference anyway. Once you get home, fire repeated shots into the pipes that lead into the furnace but be careful not to hit the furnace itself. After all, furnaces and shotguns do not mix. Anyway, once the air has fully seeped out of the lines you will see water leaking out of the bullet holes. Inject plaster of paris or hydralic cement into one of the holes and it will automatically seal the rest. Easy, peesy, Japan-easy.

Today's Useless Animation

BONUS:

A picture of a guy taking a piss in my backyard.

How To Win At FarmVille

Okay, y'all love playing an imaginary farm game, so the TUB has created a huge but ridinkulous game fan guide play guide to playing and hacking your way through FarmVille. If you do everything we say right now, your farm will be the former Soviet Union in no time!!! time... um. So:

 

First, get the techno-gimp expansion to FarmVille at your local radio Shack and install it to your 'a' drive. Next, hit the 'enter slick code mode' button on the sleve of the cartridge. Enter 'peabody' then tab space space and wait.

 

After 15 hours, your farm will have nothing but space rockets. Sell the rockets and post a notice to all yur friends to sell rockets asap. If none of your friends have rockets, have them build vaporators and ask Uncle Owen if you can go into town later to meet up with your friends. You see what you're doing? Driving down the space rocket market by selling low, buying high. Sell low, buy high. It sounds easy, but it's actually really tough to do well. Well.

 

With the tech market destroyed, you can now raise Llamas and slaughter them for Llama balls aplenty. These items are generall useless, and you probably would have been better off growing corn, so do that now after you've screwed everything up. Also, get the "Cute Bunny Wunny Goes Hostile" badge asap.

 

Look up agriculture in the dictionary and post the definition to your non standard, gpu national profile in Yiddish. The 'right people' now will begin to notice you and send you FarmVille ltd edition gifts which you can hang on your flair wall and brag about. After millions of hourse repeating the spectral cube quest, you will now have more lima beans than cookoo clocks and this will win the game and blow up your computer right in front of your mom or best friend.

 

Enjoy!

Really Bad Band Names

Irritable Uterus
Big Bag of Suck Balls
Ted Kennedy's Rubber Gloves
Shit Fuckers Fuck Shit
Blue Play-Doh for Breakfast
Stab My Mother, Please!
Cap'n Flak Goes To Court
Single Fat Nerds
Fuck My Pink Button Down
Finkle is Einhorn
Toe Mucus R Us
Leopard Pants Rock
Super Faggots On Ice
The Demon's Nipples
School Bus On Fire
White Power Loves Black Panther
Tangy Penis & The Salted Vagina Five

Today's Totally Useless Poem

Last Friday

It was a long day indeed
A drink is what I need
Because in the end
Things tend to mend

I just took a nice poo
Oh, yes, it is true
Then I wiped myself clean
Like a sober Charlie Sheen

Tomorrow's a new day
Not that I have much to say
I'll probably watch some TV
and at some point I'll pee

I'd thank you for your time
But that will cost me a dime
So, go turn off the lights
and forget about the dust mites

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 25, Chapter 310, Paragraph 80

Refrigerator not getting cold enough? Chill out. We got this. Get yourself a large pair of metal cutting shears and slice off the condenser unit and the compressor itself. Seal both ends so the cooling fluid does not leak out. Now, go to your local junkyard and ask if they have a 6 or 8 cylinder Chevy 350 Small Block engine. Remember, it's got to be the small block. Work with a mechanic to restore the engine to running condition and put it up on an engine stand in your back yard or on a balcony if you live in the fucking projects. Now, cut off the radiator and replace it with the condenser unit from the fridge. Run copper tubing back to, in and around the fridge. Fire up the engine, close up the fridge and you're good to go. For maximum performance, do not just idle the engine, but rev it up to around 3500 RPM. Change the oil every 155.8 hours and use high test gasoline because, let's face it, only real men use high test. Text me when you're done. Love you.

Best Baby Names For LIFE

Girls:

 

Spotty

Tripples

Ingrunty

Hepcee

Vitamouth

Sepsis

Traylee

Shamwowka

Oldcarseat

Dracula

Mike

Tabby

Wesson Lee

Airbud

Anarchy Belinda Bee

Pompoms

ICE!

Alexa

Frommy

Cornchips

List-o-bums

Or

No Cable

LalalalalalalaTHUD

Jeepslut

Major J

Skin

Hopsinbarley

Gyrl

 

Boys:

 

Chippy

Flek

Hurps

Girlmasher

Stint

Captle

Gun

Derrigible Joe

Panky

Freggyasses

Lance, Flatu, Lance

Dominoteka

Cobra Commander

Steve

Wilkie

Roughpedal

Knots

Itburns

Roofie

Slick Ted

DaPirate

Medicalbike

Orps

Kindle

Thickropes

Hubert

Tommy

Arrrrrbooooo

Tha Dot

 

Any of these names will make your kid cool and throw up and get out of school and be a lawyer. So do IT! get laid and have a baby and name it! Why wait? You'll just look dumb.

Recycled. Never borrowed.

Here is some good stuff leftover from the long since defunct Cannonball Action Blog (aka: The CAB):

• The CoMANdments according to Dr. R.J. "The Action Turk" Murk
• Today's ACTION Squirrel
• ACTION Lessons from a former Mob Boss
• Today's Crazy Vomiting ACTION machine
• ACTION Packed Ideas to spice up your day
• Today's awesome ACTION movie idea
• What did the Cap'n do on his vacation?

Beef

Dead Dead Dead

You're going to die. Pick something to put on your tombstone:

** "5 More Minutes..."
** "Don't be sad. BOOBIES!"
** "Take next left in.TEN. years."
** "Do you smell something rotten in here, or is it just me?"
** "Satan says hello."
** "And I STILL can't sleep."
** "They said I couldn't take it with me. I did!"
** "Where is everyone?"
** "Huh. It did kill me."
** "What are you staring at?"
** "OMG! WTF! BBQ!"
** "Real life Halo: BAD IDEA!"
** "Don't believe them. It was murder!"
** "No Heaven. Just Dirt."
** "ROCK HARD!!!"
** "No Bills. No Work. No Fingers. Fair Trade."
** "Cheap fucking 5 and 1/2 foot burial.."
** "Hello Death Virgins!"
** "Still smarter than you."
** "I caught daHIVs!"
** "Whoa! Grandma was HOT!"
** "I should have sent you first."
** "Fire my fitness coach."
** "You're lucky I'm dead right now..."
** "DIG FAGGOT!!!"
** "Good things come in coffins."
** "Full Body Amputation! 10!"
** "FUCK"

Totally Useless Animation

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 99, Chapter 54, Paragraph 2

Transmission slipping? That's an easy fix. First off, you need to virtually align your transverse muffler overbearings and literally adjust the underwork linkage cage. There may be more than one, so keep an eye out for purple dots on red hex bolts. Be sure to minimize the offset balancers by triple stripping the guide wires. You should also ground out the primary back circuit. Next, change out your purified filters oils and replace them with full synthetic Swedish fluids. Did you remember the preheat the filter and scrape clean the organic filter pads? You didn't? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Totally Useless (but slightly awesome) Bumper Stickers

• I shit therefore I am.
• Your shampoo smells like butter.
• Lunar landing doubters can SUCK MY BALL BAG!
• If you give a hoot, you'll wear a Rubbersuit!
• Democrebulicindepenreformist For King!
• If you tailgate me, I will pee on your face!
• Laid Off For The Fun Of It
• Horn not working: watch for hurled feces.
• I HEART YOU EGG SALAD!
• Medicare gave me better hair!
• Slippery when gay.
• Sir Topham Hatt is my boss.
• Thank God Phish Is Dead!
• Ceep Canada Cold!
• I brake because the pads squeeze the rotor.
• My Intel Pentium Processor is smarter than your Honor Student.
• Nothing on board.
• My Daddy told me that the wine is Jesus's blood and that's seriously fucked up.
• Don't blame me, I voted for Kirk/Picard!
• Tom Daschele robbed my Grandmother.
• Everything goes better with booze.
• Ted Kennedy tastes like chicken!
• You eat pieces of shit like me for breakfast.
• I heart State Police Jesus!
• Tits make great tits!
• You're handicapped and you don't work at Wal-Mart?
• Going Beef?
• OJ Simpson killed my prostate.
• This car runs on republican semen.
• Suicide Bombers do it with a bang!

The Post With No Pictures

Give your eyes a rest and look at this post with no picture.

 

* ;

.

 

p

 

3

 

smoking

smoking

smoking

 

x2

 

@done.done

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 16, Chapter 1, Paragraph 35

Algae growing in your swimming pool? Don't use chlorine, use bromine mixed with iodine. Like all typical autotrophic organisms, algae fucking hates iodine and the bromine vapors are corrosive and toxic. So, basically, you can kick back and relax as that means the bromine will do all the hard work. Like my Mom used to say: "There's no need to scrub the algae clean as the bromine brings a crystal sheen." HOLY SHIT THAT RHYMES.

Believe it or not, some of these are actually real.

My favorite SPAM subject headings

• Chronic pelvic pain is real - Learn more today
• Someone has a super sexy note for you
• GIANTPENISPERFECTRESULTSHUGE
• If you don't refi, you will likely die
• OMG - SILICONE SENIOR STROLLING
• Respond with your username and password
• You have 123 classmates waiting to talk to you, fuck
  
• Please help, I have the AIDS
• You have $1,000,000 in unclaimed funds - get your cash now - seriously. This is, like, totally real.
  
• R U FAT I AM 2 LETS DIET 4 LIFE
• You are so good to me eggplant mike
• Making more money with my socks
• Gas leaks are bad are you leaking bad gas
• YOU WIN YOU WIN YOU WIN lost.
  
• Want more zex? Get paid tonight!
• My webcam is on fire
• Cellulite please be gone
• Antonio Bandaras says hello
• Where have you been bisque
• Wish you had lager breasts
• DO NOT FORGET ABOUT MOTHER
• Schwarzenegger, in just 5 minutes
• Identify brontosaurus crockery shabby taunt
• Get paid to eat ELIJAH
• Pyrex is the obvious choice for adult pleasure
• If you like fat ponies, buff up your boner TODAY

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 2, Chapter 34, Paragraph 90

No cream for your morning coffee? No problem. Take 6 pounds of white rice and repeatedly boil it down until it becomes a thick white paste. Then, mix 2 cups of extra virgin olive oil into the paste and add a dash of cinnamon. Stir. Keep stirring. Next, slowly desalinize 2 gallons of seawater and carefully scrape the distilled salt into a small glass dish. Microwave the salt for 25 seconds on medium power. Next, add a dash of the warm distilled sea-salt to the rice oil paste. Stir. Keep stirring. Next, take 4 egg yolks, 3 handles of sting cheese, 2 probiotic beads and a head of 3 day old iceberg lettuce. Use a large granite mortar and pestle to mash these ingredients down to a fine milky green substance. Add 2 parts rice oil seasalt paste to 1 part fine milky substance. Mix in 5 tablespoons of the desalinized water. Stir. Keep stirring. Sweeten as desired and mix the solution into your coffee. Voila! You’re good to go. Or you could just run down the corner store and pick up some cream. Either way is fine.

Today's Useless Things To Say...

...to a stranger in an elevator:

• I wouldn't touch that if I was you.
• Should we jump? Fuck it. LET'S DO THIS.
  
• Is that for sale? (point at her/his kid)
• My god, man, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!?
• Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.
• Want to smell something gross? (lift up your shirt and finger your belly button)
• Jesus H. Christ... I am so going to jail after this.
  
• Can I go to the bathroom in here?
  
• This is great. I haven't been skiing in so long!
• Cut the blue wire. CUT THE FUCKING BLUE WIRE!
• (mutter) Pickle. Pickle. Pickle. I loooooove my pickle.
• This bucket of bolts's never gonna get us past that blockade. (make a "Chewbacca" sound)
• (look down the front of your shirt) Eww... it's seeping out my Band-Aid again.
• (if going down) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
• (if going up) EMERGENCY BLOW! SURFACE THE BOAT!
• Oh, honey, I am so happy we did this. TEE HEE!
  
• Huuunnnnnh! Hunnnnnh! Ahhh.... that's better.
• You're... not... going to... have a baby in here... are you? (even better if you're talking to a man)

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 11, Chapter 6, Paragraph 113

Window jammed? This is easy. Cut away all of the glass and replace it with melted Christmas tinsel. As the tinsel heats up in the noon day sun, it will contract and release the window. Alternatively, you can drill half inch holes every six inches around the window frame and inject glucose insulin. It works for diabetics, it’ll work for you too.

OnDemand Movies suck worse than a black hole.

Do you have OnDemand Cable?

Have you ever noticed how they have the worst list of free movies?

The other free programming is decent, but... cripes... the movies fuckin' suck. Here are some examples that might appear on the list:

• Felicity Huffman Meets The Beatles
• RFK: Bloody Revenge At Dealy Plaza
• A Day In The Life Of A Drug Addicts Dog
• Watching My Digital Clock, Part II - PM
• Pinky Chinky China Man (staring Christopher Lloyd?)
• The TicketMaster
• Attack On Colon Castle!
• It Tastes Like Chicken
• Team OBGYN
• 1989 Chevrolet Astrovan
• Playdate, Part VIII
• Blame It On Brian
• Sex, Lies and Scotch Tape
• Avatar - The Prequel - ON ICE
• You Sold My Heart On Ebay
• The Angry Badger's Ninja
• Desperate Babysitters
• COMET! COMET! COMET!
• A Dirty Girl in a Clean Room
• The Exciting Life of a Television Editor

And it's CROCS BY A NARROW MARGIN!

Crocs top elephants as biggest threat to Zimbabweans
No one really surprised... except for the hard working lions.

HARARE, Zimbabwe -- Crocodiles took a narrow lead over elephants on the list of dangers to man in Zimbabwe this year, a conservation group reported Wednesday.

Crocodiles dragged away 13 people -- including children -- and ate them in 2009, according to the Communal Areas Management Program for Indigenous Resources, known as Campfire.

Elephants charged and trampled 12 others, including some villagers trying to protect their crops from the giant herbivores who eat an average 300 kilograms (660 pounds) of fodder a day as adults, the group said in its annual report.

Buffaloes and hippopotamuses, also considered among Africa's most dangerous animals, killed one person apiece bringing the total to 27.

Lions are reported to have killed 17 cattle belonging to a traditional leader in western Zimbabwe in November, but there were no fatal attacks on humans. Rogue lions who acquire a taste for human prey are usually hunted down.

What else is on the danger-list for Zimbabweans?

• Whitey
• Those damn Catholics and their creationist beliefs
• Brangelina's adoption policies
• Over exposure to that Great Glowing God-Disc in the sky
• Continuing Education
• The Internet
• Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
• The complete and utter lack of A&W Root Beer
• Parent-Teacher Conferences
• The Lion King
• Grand Theft Auto: Bulawayo
• That gloating asshole Sir Richard Branson
• American Express Travellers Cheques
• About 6 kadrillion fire ants
• Zimbabwe

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 1, Chapter 44, Paragraph 9

Mold in your basement? Locate all mold by spraying PAM cooking spray on all surfaces inside your home. Mold will begin to glow soft red in the dark. Shut down the water and electricity in the home and call utility companies to cancel service for two weeks. Using a brillo pad, scrape mold and surrounding areas by placing the pad on your knuckles and slow motion punching any affected surface. To speed up the process, wear rollerblades and a speed suit. After mold is removed, treat surfaces with a mixture of sugar and rubbing alcohol. You don't need to be the Pope to kill mold!

Oh, sup!