Today's Useless Things To Say...

...to a stranger in an elevator:

• I wouldn't touch that if I was you.
• Should we jump? Fuck it. LET'S DO THIS.
  
• Is that for sale? (point at her/his kid)
• My god, man, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!?
• Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.
• Want to smell something gross? (lift up your shirt and finger your belly button)
• Jesus H. Christ... I am so going to jail after this.
  
• Can I go to the bathroom in here?
  
• This is great. I haven't been skiing in so long!
• Cut the blue wire. CUT THE FUCKING BLUE WIRE!
• (mutter) Pickle. Pickle. Pickle. I loooooove my pickle.
• This bucket of bolts's never gonna get us past that blockade. (make a "Chewbacca" sound)
• (look down the front of your shirt) Eww... it's seeping out my Band-Aid again.
• (if going down) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
• (if going up) EMERGENCY BLOW! SURFACE THE BOAT!
• Oh, honey, I am so happy we did this. TEE HEE!
  
• Huuunnnnnh! Hunnnnnh! Ahhh.... that's better.
• You're... not... going to... have a baby in here... are you? (even better if you're talking to a man)