The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 2, Chapter 34, Paragraph 90

No cream for your morning coffee? No problem. Take 6 pounds of white rice and repeatedly boil it down until it becomes a thick white paste. Then, mix 2 cups of extra virgin olive oil into the paste and add a dash of cinnamon. Stir. Keep stirring. Next, slowly desalinize 2 gallons of seawater and carefully scrape the distilled salt into a small glass dish. Microwave the salt for 25 seconds on medium power. Next, add a dash of the warm distilled sea-salt to the rice oil paste. Stir. Keep stirring. Next, take 4 egg yolks, 3 handles of sting cheese, 2 probiotic beads and a head of 3 day old iceberg lettuce. Use a large granite mortar and pestle to mash these ingredients down to a fine milky green substance. Add 2 parts rice oil seasalt paste to 1 part fine milky substance. Mix in 5 tablespoons of the desalinized water. Stir. Keep stirring. Sweeten as desired and mix the solution into your coffee. Voila! You’re good to go. Or you could just run down the corner store and pick up some cream. Either way is fine.