Every once in a while, you have to ask yourself...

So, you want some Happy Elvis?

You want it?
YOU GOT IT.

Something we can all hate: Standardized Testing

Counselors air concerns over length of new SAT
Students complain test is exhausting

NEWTON -- Bo Xu's back started to ache, his hand cramped up, and even the hissing heater distracted the Newton North High senior as he tried to tackle the new, much longer version of the SAT in May. And that was after his fellow students had nearly beaten him senseless for having such a stupid name.

Over the past several months, the 17-year-old senior and other students have been complaining about the length of the test to their guidance counselor, Brad MacGowan. Worried, MacGowan began airing his students' concerns to hundreds of counselors around the nation via e-mail and realized he had company. He also realized he had a boner. (WTF?)

This week he sent a letter to the College Board asking it to let students have the option to take the three-part SAT over one to three days, instead of in one sitting of three hours and 45 minutes.

The letter was signed by more than 250 counselors who were hearing the same concerns Xu expressed.

What else do the students not like about the SAT?

• Well, for one, IT'S A TEST.
• It asks unusual questions like "who do you buy your drugs from? a) The starting Quarterback b) Ms. Krieger, the Science II teacher c) The Emo Goths d) all of the above."
• Clearly, no one has asked "what would Jesus test?"
• There is not enough time for the students to drive the under paid teacher monitoring the exam into a dizzying frenzy of frustration and anger that no amount of patience or narcotics will fight off.
• It would be much better if the SAT was taken online so that Chrissy can chat with Billy on IM about last night's iCarly episode on Teen Nick where Carly like totally has a crush on that guy, you know, that guy... yeah him... and she like pretends to ignore him because, like, she doesn't want to, like, OMG, be rejected, or whatever. LOLZ!
• Multiple choice exams are the devil's work and no one likes the devil's work (except for, maybe, Ed Gein.)
  
• Personally, I always thought that SAT meant "Story About Tron!" Can you imagine my disappointment?
• "You don't have to go to college. This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia."
• It's disrupting their all important sexual testing times going on behind the bleachers during study hall.
• In my opinion, the SAT has way too many questions about math, not nearly enough questions about The Goonies.

S, WWJD?

Let's say Jesus Christ was around today.

You know... walking, talking, drinking, preaching and having a blast down at The TUB's Annual Beach Party in Rio.

If that were the case, seriously, what WOULD Jesus do?

• Shop at the Wal-Mart on Center Street in Kansas City.
• Forgive George Lucas for his sins of the Jar-Jar.
• Kick the crap out of Sarah Palin and then vote "Independent".
• Turn Reality Television into Wine.
• Use Jesus' Mind Tricks to win big in Vegas.
• Lie, cheat, steal, fuck, kill, lather, rinse, repeat.
  
• Probably play a lot of Wii Sports Resort.
• Nail himself back up on the cross in his front yard on Halloween.
• Pray to Optimus Prime (just like the rest of us)
  
• Demand an explanation for "Zhu Zhu Pets".
• Hopefully, take a naked confession from Flo, The Progressive Insurance woman.
• Star in his local community theater's production of "Jesus Christ Superstar".
• Go get a tribal tattoo because tribal tattoos are the ballz.
• Buy a brand new Dodge Challenger and go really fast on the highways. If he got pulled over he'd just use the "hey, I'm Jesus" excuse to get out of the ticket.
• He has a DVR and with FIOS On-Demand. What the fuck else does he need to be doing?

Totally Useless Inventions

Drunken Boot Lamp

InvisiKids

Flaming Guitar of Awesome

SuperBalls Tank

Impenetrable Box Armor

Really Bad Band Names

Irritable Uterus
Big Bag of Suck Balls
Ted Kennedy's Rubber Gloves
Shit Fuckers Fuck Shit
Blue Play-Doh for Breakfast
Stab My Mother, Please!
Cap'n Flak Goes To Court
Single Fat Nerds
Fuck My Pink Button Down
Finkle is Einhorn
Toe Mucus R Us
Leopard Pants Rock
Super Faggots On Ice
The Demon's Nipples
School Bus On Fire
White Power Loves Black Panther
Tangy Penis & The Salted Vagina Five

Recycled. Never borrowed.

Here is some good stuff leftover from the long since defunct Cannonball Action Blog (aka: The CAB):

• The CoMANdments according to Dr. R.J. "The Action Turk" Murk
• Today's ACTION Squirrel
• ACTION Lessons from a former Mob Boss
• Today's Crazy Vomiting ACTION machine
• ACTION Packed Ideas to spice up your day
• Today's awesome ACTION movie idea
• What did the Cap'n do on his vacation?

Totally Useless Animation

Totally Useless (but slightly awesome) Bumper Stickers

• I shit therefore I am.
• Your shampoo smells like butter.
• Lunar landing doubters can SUCK MY BALL BAG!
• If you give a hoot, you'll wear a Rubbersuit!
• Democrebulicindepenreformist For King!
• If you tailgate me, I will pee on your face!
• Laid Off For The Fun Of It
• Horn not working: watch for hurled feces.
• I HEART YOU EGG SALAD!
• Medicare gave me better hair!
• Slippery when gay.
• Sir Topham Hatt is my boss.
• Thank God Phish Is Dead!
• Ceep Canada Cold!
• I brake because the pads squeeze the rotor.
• My Intel Pentium Processor is smarter than your Honor Student.
• Nothing on board.
• My Daddy told me that the wine is Jesus's blood and that's seriously fucked up.
• Don't blame me, I voted for Kirk/Picard!
• Tom Daschele robbed my Grandmother.
• Everything goes better with booze.
• Ted Kennedy tastes like chicken!
• You eat pieces of shit like me for breakfast.
• I heart State Police Jesus!
• Tits make great tits!
• You're handicapped and you don't work at Wal-Mart?
• Going Beef?
• OJ Simpson killed my prostate.
• This car runs on republican semen.
• Suicide Bombers do it with a bang!

Believe it or not, some of these are actually real.

My favorite SPAM subject headings

• Chronic pelvic pain is real - Learn more today
• Someone has a super sexy note for you
• GIANTPENISPERFECTRESULTSHUGE
• If you don't refi, you will likely die
• OMG - SILICONE SENIOR STROLLING
• Respond with your username and password
• You have 123 classmates waiting to talk to you, fuck
  
• Please help, I have the AIDS
• You have $1,000,000 in unclaimed funds - get your cash now - seriously. This is, like, totally real.
  
• R U FAT I AM 2 LETS DIET 4 LIFE
• You are so good to me eggplant mike
• Making more money with my socks
• Gas leaks are bad are you leaking bad gas
• YOU WIN YOU WIN YOU WIN lost.
  
• Want more zex? Get paid tonight!
• My webcam is on fire
• Cellulite please be gone
• Antonio Bandaras says hello
• Where have you been bisque
• Wish you had lager breasts
• DO NOT FORGET ABOUT MOTHER
• Schwarzenegger, in just 5 minutes
• Identify brontosaurus crockery shabby taunt
• Get paid to eat ELIJAH
• Pyrex is the obvious choice for adult pleasure
• If you like fat ponies, buff up your boner TODAY

Today's Useless Things To Say...

...to a stranger in an elevator:

• I wouldn't touch that if I was you.
• Should we jump? Fuck it. LET'S DO THIS.
  
• Is that for sale? (point at her/his kid)
• My god, man, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!?
• Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.
• Want to smell something gross? (lift up your shirt and finger your belly button)
• Jesus H. Christ... I am so going to jail after this.
  
• Can I go to the bathroom in here?
  
• This is great. I haven't been skiing in so long!
• Cut the blue wire. CUT THE FUCKING BLUE WIRE!
• (mutter) Pickle. Pickle. Pickle. I loooooove my pickle.
• This bucket of bolts's never gonna get us past that blockade. (make a "Chewbacca" sound)
• (look down the front of your shirt) Eww... it's seeping out my Band-Aid again.
• (if going down) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
• (if going up) EMERGENCY BLOW! SURFACE THE BOAT!
• Oh, honey, I am so happy we did this. TEE HEE!
  
• Huuunnnnnh! Hunnnnnh! Ahhh.... that's better.
• You're... not... going to... have a baby in here... are you? (even better if you're talking to a man)

OnDemand Movies suck worse than a black hole.

Do you have OnDemand Cable?

Have you ever noticed how they have the worst list of free movies?

The other free programming is decent, but... cripes... the movies fuckin' suck. Here are some examples that might appear on the list:

• Felicity Huffman Meets The Beatles
• RFK: Bloody Revenge At Dealy Plaza
• A Day In The Life Of A Drug Addicts Dog
• Watching My Digital Clock, Part II - PM
• Pinky Chinky China Man (staring Christopher Lloyd?)
• The TicketMaster
• Attack On Colon Castle!
• It Tastes Like Chicken
• Team OBGYN
• 1989 Chevrolet Astrovan
• Playdate, Part VIII
• Blame It On Brian
• Sex, Lies and Scotch Tape
• Avatar - The Prequel - ON ICE
• You Sold My Heart On Ebay
• The Angry Badger's Ninja
• Desperate Babysitters
• COMET! COMET! COMET!
• A Dirty Girl in a Clean Room
• The Exciting Life of a Television Editor