The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 223, Chapter 12, Paragraph 6

Need a special blend of grass patch for your lawn? First off I eat a whole watermelon. Then, I wait a few hours until I'm ready to shit. After that, I drop my seedy dump in an orange Home Depot bucket and then I fish my hand around in there for a while. Then, I slap my neighbor in the face. End of fucking story.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 8, Chapter 70, Paragraph 210

Need to transplant a tree? Start by preparing the hole for where the tree will go once it has been successfully transplanted. Regardless of how big or small the tree is, dig the hole at least 6 feet deep, 6 feet wide and 6 feet long. Now, bury my bitch of a mother in the hole and toss the tree on top of her. JOB WELL DONE.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 71, Chapter 40, Paragraph 9

Tires need to be rotated and balanced? Jack up the vehicle so that all four wheels are off the ground. Remove the wheels from the car. If you have a swimming pool in your yard or in your neighbors yard, toss all four wheels in the pool and let them soak. Add in some extra chlorine as this will restore the white walls and clean any corrosion of the wheels. Now, while they are soaking, spray down the brakes, calipers, shocks or struts and other suspension components with a mixture of malt vinegar and high fructose corn syrup. Let this dry and harden in place. This will protect the car from salt, road grime, etc. Now, remove the tires from the pool and let them dry. As they do that, take out 4 coat hangers and straighten them out. Force the straight wire hangers into the sidewalls where the tire meets the rim and VOILA! Balanced tires forever. Pretty awesome, right?

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 3, Chapter 58, Paragraph 221

Dog vomit on the floor or furniture? All right, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This... is my boomstick! It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right... shop smart: shop S-Mart... You got that?

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 50, Chapter 12, Paragraph 55

Crack in your foundation? First start off by stuffing the foundation with freshly cooked white rice. Then, put live maggots on the rice and cover the maggots with saran wrap and duct tape. Be sure to use rose colored saran wrap so the maggots are kept calm and willing. Wait 4 days and remove the tape, wrap and bugs. What you are left with is an excruciatingly clean crack that is ready to be sealed. If you have a dog, you should let him or her lick the maggots off the crack as that will give it one final rinse (remember science says that a dog's mouth is the cleanest place on Earth.) Now, using a pre-balanced masonic style trowel, spread a thick coating of hydraulic cement mixed with hydrogen peroxide and icy-hot muscle rub cream. The cement will seal. The peroxide will cure. The icy-hot will flex. Remember to wipe on a thin coat of extra light olive oil twice per year in order to keep the cement from cracking.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 93, Chapter 122, Paragraph 17

Automatic transmission slipping out of gear? Start by locating the transmission fluid dipstick and check the level, color, smell and taste of the fluid. Follow the reminders: "up, red, cream soda, mouth full of pennies." If the fluid checks out, purchase a tube of Crest Pro-Health Tooth Paste WITHOUT WHITENING. Add the toothpaste to the transmission fluid and leave the cap off. If any white foam starts bubbling up from the opening, try to capture it in a bottle or a zip lock bag as you will need it later. If not, whatever, you can use the foam from a Wachusett Blueberry beer too. Anyway, replace the cap and start the car. Do not move the car. Hold down the brake, turn on the emergency brake too, put the car in LOW GEAR and fuckin' floor it. Now, relax and take it easy and I can guarantee that the engine will sound funny and it might heat up... if not overheat. But that's OK. As the pressure build up inside the transverse muffler overbearings it should be enough to fix the problem and reduce overall side fumbling. Remember the foam you saved earlier? Go get it and pour it in the windshield washer fluid reservoir. It'll be the best fucking cleaner you've ever seen, fuckpants.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 4, Chapter 77, Paragraph 331

DVD player skipping too much or not playing at all? Everyone knows that DVDs are just like CDs and CDs contain the same music that we used to listen to on cassette tapes. Go to your parents attic and dig up about 10 or 15 old cassettes. Extract the tape itself and weave them all into a rope like length about 12 inches long. Now, get yourself a butter knife, some palm fronds and a brass knuckle and open up the DVD player until you can see the DVD reader assembly itself. Remove the assembly, wrap the tape-rope around it and freeze them both overnight. Oh, by the way, if you see a green wire, for fuck sake, DO NOT CUT IT. Moving on, while the tape wrapped player assembly is in the freezer, rinse the rest of the DVD player off in a warm bath of Lea & Perrins Worcestershire sauce and then let it air dry. In the morning, replace the assembly, pray to Jobu, sacrifice a cat from your neighborhood (never your own) and you should not only be good to go with regular DVDs but you should also be able to play Blu Ray DVDs as well. HOW FUCKING BALLSTASIC IS THAT?

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 633, Chapter 10, Paragraph 8

Blocked garden hose? Get a pound of rock salt, some low grade typical Asian fireworks, 1 cup of aluminum powder, an air compressor and a fully charged defibrillator kit. Figure out approximately where the clog in the hose is and go to whichever end is closer. Stuff in the rock salt, then the fireworks (some crushed, some intact) and use the air compressor to ram the mixture deeper into the hose and, hopefully, right up against the suspected blockage. This is now known as "the stack." Make sure this mixture does not get wet or otherwise compromised in any way whatsoever. Finally, slowly pour the aluminum powder down the hose and shake gently so it settles carefully on top of the stack. While you wait for the trioxyetheline phosphatorious gasses to bleed off, run to the store and pick me up a Slim Jim, a 64oz. Orange Gatorade and some Crumb Donettes. Thanks, man. OK, when you're done screwing around and wasting my time all fucking afternoon, pick up the god damn defib kit, paddle up on both side of the hose, yell "CLEAR" and let's light this sucker off like it's the fourth of July. Now, if that doesn't blast the blockage out the far end, it's definitely going to shock your Great Uncle Sprague's heart back into to porn watching shape for the internets, fucko.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 98, Chapter 77, Paragraph 34

Widescreen LCD HD Television not getting as bright as it used to? Take the unit down from its mounting and open up the back. Ignore any "do not open this television" warning stickers or custom factory bolts. Once you've got that fucker cracked wide open, surgically remove any resistors (not capacitors) you can find imprinted on or attached to any circuit boards throughout the unit. It really doesn't matter what you replace them with because TVs these days are all digital and it won't know the difference. As you solder replacement pieces, feel free to use malt vinegar or salt water to cool the heat sinks. The screen should be restored to its full effect after 4-6 hours worth of work. Why remove the resistors? Well, they are seriously old school and just tend to resist change. Resist. Get it? Yeah, you get it. Now, go get me a fucking Cap'n & Coke.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 37, Chapter 109, Paragraph 82

Need to take down an over-sized tree on your property? First off, you're going to need a lot of beer for this job. Not some sissy pants blueberry fucktard lager like you'd find in some faggy saggy back ass Boston fuck shop but a real beer. A man's-man beer. That's right. Go get two 30 packs of The Silver Bullet. Coors Light, baby. Grab some friends while your at it, crack open a cold one and chug that slick foam and bubbly fuel especially brewed for the red neck in all of us. Then, fire up the grill and make some mesquite bbq flavor chicken wings. Tell your Aunt Libby to bring over that cole slaw that she makes with the secret ingredient. Yeah, that stuff is the shiz-nit. What's the secret? Balls. Anyway, once you've got a full stomach, fire up the chain saw that juggle that fucker until your palms bleed. Neighbors impressed yet? You fuckin' know they are. Later, when you're sitting by the fire don't forget to regale them with tales of that time you were wicked cocked and ran straight through your fence while carrying a flaming stick in order to chase some teenagers who were... wait, what were we supposed to do? Ah, fuck it. Let's eat.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 21, Chapter 2010, Paragraph 44

Bobsled not braking like it used to? GET A JOB.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 25, Chapter 310, Paragraph 80

Need to bleed air from a forced hot water home heating system? Go to WalMart and purchase a 12 gauge shotgun with buckshot load. Don't worry about having an FID card or being of proper age. They won't know the difference anyway. Once you get home, fire repeated shots into the pipes that lead into the furnace but be careful not to hit the furnace itself. After all, furnaces and shotguns do not mix. Anyway, once the air has fully seeped out of the lines you will see water leaking out of the bullet holes. Inject plaster of paris or hydralic cement into one of the holes and it will automatically seal the rest. Easy, peesy, Japan-easy.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 25, Chapter 310, Paragraph 80

Refrigerator not getting cold enough? Chill out. We got this. Get yourself a large pair of metal cutting shears and slice off the condenser unit and the compressor itself. Seal both ends so the cooling fluid does not leak out. Now, go to your local junkyard and ask if they have a 6 or 8 cylinder Chevy 350 Small Block engine. Remember, it's got to be the small block. Work with a mechanic to restore the engine to running condition and put it up on an engine stand in your back yard or on a balcony if you live in the fucking projects. Now, cut off the radiator and replace it with the condenser unit from the fridge. Run copper tubing back to, in and around the fridge. Fire up the engine, close up the fridge and you're good to go. For maximum performance, do not just idle the engine, but rev it up to around 3500 RPM. Change the oil every 155.8 hours and use high test gasoline because, let's face it, only real men use high test. Text me when you're done. Love you.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 99, Chapter 54, Paragraph 2

Transmission slipping? That's an easy fix. First off, you need to virtually align your transverse muffler overbearings and literally adjust the underwork linkage cage. There may be more than one, so keep an eye out for purple dots on red hex bolts. Be sure to minimize the offset balancers by triple stripping the guide wires. You should also ground out the primary back circuit. Next, change out your purified filters oils and replace them with full synthetic Swedish fluids. Did you remember the preheat the filter and scrape clean the organic filter pads? You didn't? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 16, Chapter 1, Paragraph 35

Algae growing in your swimming pool? Don't use chlorine, use bromine mixed with iodine. Like all typical autotrophic organisms, algae fucking hates iodine and the bromine vapors are corrosive and toxic. So, basically, you can kick back and relax as that means the bromine will do all the hard work. Like my Mom used to say: "There's no need to scrub the algae clean as the bromine brings a crystal sheen." HOLY SHIT THAT RHYMES.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 2, Chapter 34, Paragraph 90

No cream for your morning coffee? No problem. Take 6 pounds of white rice and repeatedly boil it down until it becomes a thick white paste. Then, mix 2 cups of extra virgin olive oil into the paste and add a dash of cinnamon. Stir. Keep stirring. Next, slowly desalinize 2 gallons of seawater and carefully scrape the distilled salt into a small glass dish. Microwave the salt for 25 seconds on medium power. Next, add a dash of the warm distilled sea-salt to the rice oil paste. Stir. Keep stirring. Next, take 4 egg yolks, 3 handles of sting cheese, 2 probiotic beads and a head of 3 day old iceberg lettuce. Use a large granite mortar and pestle to mash these ingredients down to a fine milky green substance. Add 2 parts rice oil seasalt paste to 1 part fine milky substance. Mix in 5 tablespoons of the desalinized water. Stir. Keep stirring. Sweeten as desired and mix the solution into your coffee. Voila! You’re good to go. Or you could just run down the corner store and pick up some cream. Either way is fine.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 11, Chapter 6, Paragraph 113

Window jammed? This is easy. Cut away all of the glass and replace it with melted Christmas tinsel. As the tinsel heats up in the noon day sun, it will contract and release the window. Alternatively, you can drill half inch holes every six inches around the window frame and inject glucose insulin. It works for diabetics, it’ll work for you too.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 1, Chapter 44, Paragraph 9

Mold in your basement? Locate all mold by spraying PAM cooking spray on all surfaces inside your home. Mold will begin to glow soft red in the dark. Shut down the water and electricity in the home and call utility companies to cancel service for two weeks. Using a brillo pad, scrape mold and surrounding areas by placing the pad on your knuckles and slow motion punching any affected surface. To speed up the process, wear rollerblades and a speed suit. After mold is removed, treat surfaces with a mixture of sugar and rubbing alcohol. You don't need to be the Pope to kill mold!

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 8, Chapter 5, Paragraph 64

Virus in your computer? Assuming you’ve already tried a variety of virus scan and cleansing software applications with limited to no success, try taking the PC or laptop with you on your next flight. Viruses hate solar radiation and airplanes bring you closer to the sun. So, hold it up by the window and you should see the viruses jump out near or around the networking ports or cooling fans. Be sure to give them a piece of your mind as they might stow away in your carry on and try to hop back in during the car ride home. That’s right. Viruses have balls.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 6, Chapter 2, Paragraph 94

Noisy exhaust on your car? You’ll need to do a few things here. First off, add some aged baking soda to your motor oil and put some fresh Juicy Juice (no sugar!) in your fuel tank. This will help your engine run smother and quieter. Then, get underneath your car and wrap the entire exhaust from the manifold to the muffler in bubble wrap and duct tape. Start the car. Wherever the bubbles start popping is where the exhaust is leaking. Seal the leaks with Silly Puddy or Play-Doh as this will harden under the heat of the exhaust. For added benefit, you can coat the muffler in nail polish. Clear works best but red looks better.