SpaceFarmer's Useless Obituary

The TUB loses an editor
Most of American mourns

Born into relative obscurity, raised in a Colombian orphanage and educated at some of the finest beauty and technical academies the world over, SpaceFarmer-1 passed away on Friday evening from unknown natural causes in a low gravity, high oxygen, sub orbital environment.

His exact age was unknown but was estimated to be between 31 and 170. Although it not clear what it means, his publicist stated that "he is figuratively survived by everyone on Earth, alive or dead."

SpaceFarmer, commonly known as "The People's Champion of Useless Rights", had recently achieved worldwide recognition and infamy as the creator, editor and co-contributor of The Totally Useless Blog. The TUB, as it is known, was first published online in September of 2005 and later led to a string of successful political commentary novels, several massively popular blogs and a daytime talk show hosted by Tony Danza, all of which is still owned and operated by one of SF-1's own parent companies, Third Option Media.

SF-1 believed that his writing was the true voice of the people (well, the people that he knew, at least) and he was always proud, to the point of being egotistic, of his ability to interpret everyday life into a steady stream of garbled madness, hysterical lists, historical tidbits, disturbing images and hypnotic animations.

For reasons hitherto unknown to anyone that knew him on a personal or professional level, during TUBteam meetings and presentations with financial investors and corporate watchdogs, SpaceFarmer would often say (rather loudly while using an overblown female Southern accent) that he was "your favorite representative of insane weirdos everywhere. An expert tunnel rat and certified geek-boy, I can unquestionably turn that frown upside down! YEE HAW!" He would then proceed to do his trademark "Hib Dab Dibbity Dog-Dog" Dance.

A self proclaimed independent nation, and President of the "You're Not That Important" Club (Worcester County Chapter, Lodge #2323), SpaceFarmer was always cleared for mental and spiritual takeoff.

In the mid to late 1990's, SpaceFarmer ran for various public offices in the United States and Canada under the pseudonym "Elmo Van Dickers."

During his brief and totally unsuccessful campaigns, he worked in conjunction with the US State Department and certain unnamed members of the League Of Women Voters on plans to desalinize the Atlantic Ocean and commence the immediate bombing of Greenland.

Although none of these intentions ever became reality, "Elmo" is remembered for his inability to pay attention to anyone and obnoxiously interrupt any and all conversations. He would then immediately relate whatever topic was being discussed to either one of his aforementioned psychotic plans while rapidly blinking his eyes. He would follow any interruption by stating that he "was not sorry" and, using a small black leather glove, he would proceed to slap the face of the person he was speaking with.

Weighing in at more than 1/8th of a ton spread out over an impressive 6'4" frame of white hot manliness, SpaceFarmer enjoyed a plethora of unusual hobbies including skinny skiing, going to bullfights on acid, flying stunt kites during terrorist attacks and collecting antiques made of cobalt blue glass (and then smashing them to pieces while humming the Russian national anthem.)

Known for such highball workplace pranks as "day care bomb threat snow day ha-ha's" and "pretend used condom and a phony note from your wife" usually landed him into more trouble than he could commonly deal with.

At the time of his unfortunate death, SpaceFarmer was surrounded by gorgeous prototypes from his Life Sized SF-1 Action Figure Line who had been shipped in from the local toy factories to "witness his passing."

His final words were "on my deathbed, I have achieved total consciousness... so I have that going for me... which is nice. SPACEFARMER OUT!"

SF-1 is literally survived by his impressive Curling sport uniform pants collection, his beloved fighting pugs and his goldfish "Fuckface."

SpaceFarmer will not be missed. Or... will he?


(Donations can be sent to The SpaceFarmer Fund via the following Paypal account: spacefarmer1@hotmail.com.)