New DSM-IV Classificationsisms

Given all the new mental disorders and brain hiccups out there the DSM-IV (Diagnostic something something 4) has been updated to include these new diagnosistable condicaments. Begin each phrase by imagining a doctor saying "You've got...":

- Fiesty-Sassy Disorder

- Aquatic Preference Syndrome

- Mild Static Clinging Depression
- Storm of the Century Misadiagnosis Disorder

- Type One Dolphin

- Existing Malaise

- Incremental Fizzing Personality

- Back of the White Line Disease

- Tripolar Disorder

- Beyond Help

- Stranger Danger Complex

- Classic Rock Addiction

- Drughead

- Empty Palm, Full Pocket Disorder

- Spanky's Thing

- Rhino/Hippo Delusion

- Adult Decent Deffective Disease Disorder (AD4)

- Crambles

- Bo-legged Shimmies

- Manic Delivery Disorder

- Hook and Crane Mouth Complex

- Deviant Persuasive Disease

If you believe you have these or any other psychological maladies, contact the police and chirp twice for three ounces of bird. Meep.

Today's Useless Animation

Totally Useless Superheroes

• Doctor ShopVac
• Incredishit
• Diet Sodaman
  
• Sissy Thindick
  
• Lobster Hutt
• The Amazing Mac n' Cheese
• Average Joe
• The Pink Preggers
  
• Hapax Legomenon
• Black Trekkie
• Dangerous Demagnitizer
• The Lazy Particle
  
• Professor Yardboat
  
• Captain Crack in the Cement
• Baron Von Hot Dog
• Musty Sheets
• WonderPussy
• Beached Whale
• MargarineMan
  
• Dead President Kennedy
  
• Caffeinated Shakes
  
• Mysterio Millions
• Lady Layoff
• Dash of Salt
• Lumber Liquidator
  
• The T.A.X. Man
• Bono Vox
  

MS Mythos

Totally Useless Bit o Awesome

"I'd buy that for a dollar!"

TUB Fans....

We know you have choices. We've seen the other blogs. We're begging you not to read them. We'll do anything! look, we've come up with a rewards program for you!

Every time you visit the TUB, you will automatically pile up TUB BUCKS. These TUB BUCKS will be automatically spent for you on some really cool stuff!

- 5 TUB BUCKS and Cap'n Flak will kiss a real girl.

- 10 TUB BUCKS and Dr. Murk will buy medicine for his fungal toe growth.

- Every time you earn 15 TUB BUCKS in one day, we'll staple wings on a baby jew!

- If you earn 17 TUB BUCKS, everyone on the planet will feel 2 microseconds of relief.

- 7 TUB BUCKS and a handshake will get you penal servitude. 5-9. 10-1. You got it!

- 333 TUB BUCKS will get you the director's cut DVD of Murk eating a tube of Preparation H.

-

- We'll cancel FULL HOUSE.

- 3.5 TUB BUCKS will ensure the alignment of the galactic center with our own sun.

- If you earn 100 TUB BUCKS... nothing happens. That you know of...

- If you bring a bag of TUB BUCKS into a strip club you can MAKE IT RAIN!

- TUB BUCKS can be redeemed for diesel. COCKED!

- 11 TUB BUCKS are watching you right now!

- Turn in 51 TUB BUCKS and we'll burn down a church and piss your name in the ashes.

There's just no fucking limit to the extent to which we will go to ensure that you stay here at the TUB forever. So, when you think you might be better off at the TOILET (The Online Idiot Ledger of Empty Thoughts - GAY!), remember, we love you more than they do and we are not above shittting in your sunroof. Hrrrrrrrrr. Hrrrrrr rrrrr rrrrrrrr, Ah.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 71, Chapter 40, Paragraph 9

Tires need to be rotated and balanced? Jack up the vehicle so that all four wheels are off the ground. Remove the wheels from the car. If you have a swimming pool in your yard or in your neighbors yard, toss all four wheels in the pool and let them soak. Add in some extra chlorine as this will restore the white walls and clean any corrosion of the wheels. Now, while they are soaking, spray down the brakes, calipers, shocks or struts and other suspension components with a mixture of malt vinegar and high fructose corn syrup. Let this dry and harden in place. This will protect the car from salt, road grime, etc. Now, remove the tires from the pool and let them dry. As they do that, take out 4 coat hangers and straighten them out. Force the straight wire hangers into the sidewalls where the tire meets the rim and VOILA! Balanced tires forever. Pretty awesome, right?

Beware the coming of The Crocoduck

Thank you, Kirk Cameron, thank you.

Incorrectly Quoted Movies from The TUB

Jaws (1975)

Quint: Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this turd for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Bad lunch. Not like going down the pond chasin' bluegills and tommycocks. This shark, swallow you whole, including that smelly gunk inside yer bellybuttons. Little shakin', little beefjerkin' an' down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tourists and blowjobs, put all your businesses on a payin' basis by cash, credit or PayPal. But it's not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, chef. I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up and throw down. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter like most of Fitchburg. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates or hookers, there's just too many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the taint, the whole damn thing.

Reintroducting Clem The Latex Salesman

He's still out there.

Jar Jar Party

Meesa Monday

Hey. What yousa doin dis nite?
Meesa havin a party.
Everybody gonna beesa dere.
Yousa should a come!

Oh. Wooo. Give meesa a second.
Woo. Okay. Woo. Meesa just
Really fuckin stoned!
Meesa smoke-a PCPeesa. Wooooooooo
oooooooooo.ooooooo.ooooo.ooooo.

Damn. Yousa lookin like
Friskie Biska Mornin Munchie!
Mmmmmm Mmmmmmm.
Yousa smoke dis toosa.

Now, take a drink o disa juice-a.
Mmmmm. Mmmmmm.
It'sa glassa roofie doofie.
Nighty nite, Ani. Yousa not remember
What meesa do you yousa fanny.
But yousa gonna poopa white for daysa.

Ohhhh see the funky funky colors and feela deesa
NUTz a slappin yousa butts?
Meesa ride you like-a
Zoomba pod-a racer!

Now yousa put yousa slave chains back on
You fucked up little midget.

MS Paint Vacations

Barack Obama, President of the United States and Certified Doctor of Awesome visits the nation of Afghanistan!

President Obama rallied coalition forces during a previously unannounced visit to Afghanistan today, telling them the 8-year-old war there remains "absolutely essential" to the security of the United States.

Speaking to about 2,000 U.S. and allied troops at the major U.S. base in Afghanistan, Obama said, "Those folks back home are relying on you."

Earlier Sunday, Obama met with Afghan President Hamid Karzai. In remarks after their meeting, Obama said he wanted to send a "strong message" that the partnership between the nations would continue.

Obama also invited Karzai to Washington, and White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the planned date for that visit is May 12.

What does the POTUS plan on doing with the POTAN in DC?

• Playing a rousing game of Pop Goes The Karzai
• Going out in Alexandria for a date night with Michelle while Hamid chills with the kittens in the White House Residence
  
• Tricking Vice President Biden into thinking a full scale nuclear war has just broken out.
  
• Video-conferencing with Tiger Woods
• Taking full advantage of Sasha's Nintendo Wii
• Prank calling Old Man Cheney
• Repainting the Lincoln Bedroom
• Posting hilarious home made videos on YouTube explaining how to play "Pin The Tail On The Taliban"
  
• Sneaking out for smokes and road beers
  
• Reading Dan Brown books and taking them way too seriously
  
• Getting baked and watching The Wizard of Oz
• Two words: ROAD TRIP!
  

Today's Useless Animated Gif

And this is how we define
"hero" these days?

Fun Games To Play With Your Coworkers

• Crab walk to the printer
• Imitation Bank Teller
• Miniaturized Mail Room
• Drive by Nerfing
• What Would Dick Biggman Do?
• Needlepoint Spreadsheet
• Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
• College Dorm Style Fire Drill
• Being Fugly for Fun
• Trivia Only You Can Answer
• Fuckable Fax Hole
• Caramilk for the Creepy Lady
• Ask Everyone about Everything
• Cubical CAT-Scan
• That Looks Just Like DOOM
• Menstruation Manny Goes To The Ladies Room
• Shit Shaped Tchotchke
• A Fire Pit? In here? Fuck yeah.
• Whiteboard Power!
  
• Tattoo Tuesdays
• Bring A Used Tire To a Meeting
• Who Can Give Up Facebook for 5 Minutes?
• Reply-to-E V E R Y O N E

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 3, Chapter 58, Paragraph 221

Dog vomit on the floor or furniture? All right, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This... is my boomstick! It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right... shop smart: shop S-Mart... You got that?

Ten Cent Meals

Here's a little list of ten cent meals for those of us tightening our wallets.

- SubPrime Rib

- Pizza Finger

- Snatch and Grab Cakes

- Bean

- Melon Rind Mash

- Wedding Rice

- Neighbor's Garden Goulash

- Pine Needle Stew

- Salted Rag

- Boot Leather Fillet

- Sand Hold the Wich

- Tiger Woods' Ass

- Cod Oil Shake

- Iced River

- Mudslide (literal)

- Cup o' Funk

- Couch Leavings Caserole

- 5 Penny Inch Long

- Gravel Nuts Cereal

Enjoy and go to bed before you know you're still hungry. fatty.

WARNING: Hot Stuff MS Religion

Meanwhile in Japan...

The invasion has begun.
The Cokeabot will rule us all.

Hey, Argentina. Listen Up!

President Obama

More wacky CNN

So... Tom Hanks lives in Chicago?

Today's Useless Cartoon

You know... it's not a bad name.

Rumor has it...

...that a new installment of the Bill & Ted series is in the works.

No, really. I'm not kidding. They really want to make another movie with these two dudes.

So, what other movie prequels, sequels or reboots might we see?

• Dances with More Wolves
• Where In The World Is The Red October
• Star Trek: Tranquility Node
  
• Lil' Goodfellas
• Donnie Darko in Detention
• Andy & Red's Mexican Adventure
• Keyser Soze Goes To Court
• Fatal Attraction II: Mr. Bun's Revenge
• The Truth About Walter Sobchak
• Das Booty
• Scarface: Stuck in Cuba
• Another Thing
• The Bourne Graduation
• 2010: No Budget for Space Odysseys
  

MS Paint Vacations

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 50, Chapter 12, Paragraph 55

Crack in your foundation? First start off by stuffing the foundation with freshly cooked white rice. Then, put live maggots on the rice and cover the maggots with saran wrap and duct tape. Be sure to use rose colored saran wrap so the maggots are kept calm and willing. Wait 4 days and remove the tape, wrap and bugs. What you are left with is an excruciatingly clean crack that is ready to be sealed. If you have a dog, you should let him or her lick the maggots off the crack as that will give it one final rinse (remember science says that a dog's mouth is the cleanest place on Earth.) Now, using a pre-balanced masonic style trowel, spread a thick coating of hydraulic cement mixed with hydrogen peroxide and icy-hot muscle rub cream. The cement will seal. The peroxide will cure. The icy-hot will flex. Remember to wipe on a thin coat of extra light olive oil twice per year in order to keep the cement from cracking.

So, you think you're confident and cool?

Well, you're not.

This guy is.

All I need to know in life I learned from my new solid state switch sump pump

• If you haven't protected yourself against Material Defects and Workmanship, you haven't protected yourself from shit, boy.
• You don't need to see the problem in order to fix it. You need to feel it.
• It's OK to tell people that you have a "Unitized Carbon Ceramic Shaft Seal For Longer Life."
• Same goes for "permanent lubricated sleeve bearing never needs oiling."
• When you're working, you need to be heard.
• Repeat after me: troubleshooting saves lives and laundry.
• Always check that you checked your check valves.
• It's amazing what the power of just one horse can do.
• Keep your impeller clean and you too can live forever.
  
• Moses may have parted the Red Sea but can he reliably pump out 5,400 gallons per hour from underneath my foundation?
  

Jesse Jackson's Martial Art of Choice...

When in doubt...

Pig-race it out.

Microsoft flexes its surface computing muscles

Multi-touch technology that enables users to interact with their digital content on a tabletop surface without a keyboard or mouse?

Yeah, that shit is real.

Microsoft Surface, or Fuckomatic Orgasmatron 2.0 to you fellow geeks, responds to natural hand gestures and real-world objects, helping people interact with digital content in a simple and intuitive way. Think 'Minority Report' meets the 'Quantum of Solace' meets 'Jesus H. Christ' on a beautiful table setting.

What else has Microsoft shown off lately?

• Steve Ballmer's epic drug stash
• The original source of the hyper global mega net
• Where conscript programs really go once they have been subjected to immediate de-resolution on the game grid
• Um, the, uh, Non...ten...do.. Yii?
  
• Their answer to the 233mhz iMac G3
• Life, liberty and the pursuit of being insanely fucking super rich
• Steve Jobs frozen in carbonite
• That kid that works down in Desktop and OS Tech Support Level II in Building 8 at the Redmond Campus. He's got some mad Dance-Dance Revolution skills.
• Bill Gates secret lair under a imitation lake in the center of a Japanese volca - wait, never mind. That was Blowfeld. My bad.
  

Today's Useless Animation

Gort?

Peoms By Jar Jar

Surpise

Itsa yousa birthday
And meesa got no money
So meesa gonna show
Yousa sumtin funny.

Yousa close yousa eye
And put out yousa hand.
Meesa justa second here
Give yousa sumtin grand!

Dere. Yousa feel it?
Now upon yousa eyes!
Surpise!
I's meesa genetalia!

Oooo! Yousa grab to tight!
Be good to meesa dinky
And meesa not hit you tonight.

Yousa keepa cryin' and a moanin,
But itsa doosa no good.
Open yousa mouth
And gooble meesa wood!

Meesa tinking meesa gonna cum soon
Cause meesa swollen up
Lik a dirty red balloon.

Ah.
Now meesa done.
Clean yousa face
And shut the fuck up.

Happy Birthday to YOUSA!

A Letter From The Editor

Dear Asshole,

How did you reproduce so quickly?

I've always known there were assholes like you but I don't recall there being so many of you when I was younger. Now, it seems, you're in every other car, performing a variety of customer service functions throughout the nation and you appear to be running the governments of nearly every single country from here to Tahiti and back again.

I ask you, sir: what the fuck, asshole?

Look, I think we can make this work so you can go about your business and I can go about mine. I'm trying really hard to just get through this life in one piece so please take your visual and verbal vomiting out back or somewhere else where I can't see it.

Please understand that I fully realize you can't change your behavior and you've clearly multiplied across the species like a bad virus in my bloodstream.

So, I won't freak the fuck out or smash your fucking face inside out or come back in such a way that all you hear is the faint cocking of a hammer on steel.

No, no. That's not like me!

And, honestly, I think it's not like you either. So, please, asshole and all your asshole friends and your whole fucking asshole family, just be cool and let's all try to help each other out, OK? Is that cool?

Oh, and can we also try to do it in English when we're in the United fucking States of fucking god damn America? I mean, sure, maybe we should all be speaking Navajo or Iroquois or one of those mostly-dead languages but we're not doing that either. Believe me, I realize they were here first, but we're here now.

So, use your real name, talk to me clearly and be cool.

Is it really that hard, asshole?

With love,
Cap'n Flak

Oh, that wacky CNN

Today's Useless Image

Mmmmm... nanotechnology.

How to save a friend from the brink (or not)

For five days, Alexis Moore carefully planned how she would take her own life. She's not a violent person, so she knew handguns and IEDs were out. She settled on vodka instead, to be followed by a bottle of Xanax.

She did it methodically. First, she put on a pink button down shirt and a pair of khaki pants. Next, she says she drank the vodka for two hours. Then she lined up the 20 pills on the kitchen counter, taking a few at a time, going to her bedroom to cry, cried out "don't judge me" a few times and then kept going back for more Xanax.

After about six pills, just when she was beginning to feel woozy and lethargic, Moore heard a knock on the door and someone calling her name. She ignored him, even though she recognized the voice as someone she'd meet three days before at a business event. Then the man came around and banged on her bedroom window. She got up off the bed where she'd been sobbing and let him in.

They sat down in her living room. She talked. He listened. By the end of the evening, she decided not to take her life.

In the five years since, she's never tried to commit suicide again. Awesome.

But, if you were ever in that situation, what should you AVOID saying in order to keep someone from doing the final deed?

• Tell Gozer the Gozarian that Ray says hello.
• Are you OK with a wooden coffin? It's cheaper.
  
• I wonder if I could sell your corpse pictures to the Enquirer?
• Hang on a sec. This is cool. I want to tweet it.
  
• Tick tock tick tock... let's gooooo!
• So, should I call you Corey Haim now?
• Did you want to update your Facebook status first?
• Well, I guess I should schedule some time to give a shit.
• Can you hurry this up? I want to see if there's any new posts up at The TUB.
• You know, I had no idea you were so fucking selfish.
• Got death yet?
• This video is going to get like a gazillion hits on YouTube.
  
• KTHXBYE.
  

Skivvie Tackle Rejects Hornblower

In a stunning development, the preceding headline was erroneously used for an article on The Totally Useless Blog (The TUB). Sources say the article was supposed to be titled "Hundreds Die in Chilean Earthquake", and was actually about Black Holes and the physicists who love them. The heavily jowled corporate heads at The TUB shook there faces in disgust at the horrible mistake and blamed it on "Bad Mechanics".

This article, with the same title of the article reference, is actually about a magical bicycle that spews toxic radiation. Experts call it a "Dirty Bike" and it is the main bike that the Defense Department believes the terrorists will use to lower their carbon footprint while simultaneously ruining everyone's day. JIHAD! The bike is due out any minute and will be broadcast live on all three minor cable stations after "My Life With Erma" the quirky new reality show about Marcel Proust's extended family and a pair of unidentified genitals, which the casts calls "Erma".

Some bikes have three pedals.

Politicians have yet to comment on anything, but reactions are favorable. Dollars for phony titles and dangerous bikes will be allocated in the next budget of blah blah blah.

In a related story, The left Tackle for the Durham Skivvies rejected an offer from Michale Hornblower, the owned of the Dallas Darthroms, which would have made him the highest paid player in all of Christendom.

No one could be reached for comment.

Every once in a while, you have to ask yourself...

Useless Things I am swearing off

• Cubicles
• Giving a shit
  
• Corey Haim movies
• Paranoia
  
• Certified Mail
  
• The year 1999
• Loudmouth Anonymous Meetings
• Graf Zeppelins
• The MCP
• Sump Pumps
• Mercury Mountaineers
• Lazer Tag
• Jesus (no, the other one)
• Auto Zone
• Rumor Mills
• Whopper Jr.'s
• Abandoned Stuffed Snakes
• Writing Utensils
  
• The phrase "on balls"
  

Breaking TUB News: Corey Haim is dead

(BURBANK, CA) Police said Corey Haim, 38, was taken to St. Joseph Hospital in Burbank, California, where he was pronounced dead at about 3:30 a.m. Wednesday (6:30 a.m. ET), police Sgt. Frank Albarran told The TUB.

The death appears to be accidental, possibly an overdose, Albarran said.

Edgar Frog, a close friend of Haim's, said "I think I should warn you all, when a vampire bites it, it's never a pretty sight. No two bloodsuckers go the same way. Some yell and scream, some go quietly, some explode, some implode, but all will try to take you with them.

The trailer alone was worth the 28 year wait.

Today's Useless Trivia Question

The following graphic represents a movie quote.

What is the quote, who said it
and in what movie was it said?

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 93, Chapter 122, Paragraph 17

Automatic transmission slipping out of gear? Start by locating the transmission fluid dipstick and check the level, color, smell and taste of the fluid. Follow the reminders: "up, red, cream soda, mouth full of pennies." If the fluid checks out, purchase a tube of Crest Pro-Health Tooth Paste WITHOUT WHITENING. Add the toothpaste to the transmission fluid and leave the cap off. If any white foam starts bubbling up from the opening, try to capture it in a bottle or a zip lock bag as you will need it later. If not, whatever, you can use the foam from a Wachusett Blueberry beer too. Anyway, replace the cap and start the car. Do not move the car. Hold down the brake, turn on the emergency brake too, put the car in LOW GEAR and fuckin' floor it. Now, relax and take it easy and I can guarantee that the engine will sound funny and it might heat up... if not overheat. But that's OK. As the pressure build up inside the transverse muffler overbearings it should be enough to fix the problem and reduce overall side fumbling. Remember the foam you saved earlier? Go get it and pour it in the windshield washer fluid reservoir. It'll be the best fucking cleaner you've ever seen, fuckpants.

As seen on CNN

I just have to ask...

Is that guy wearing a shirt
made out of pot holders?

The decision has been made.

Evil Spock gets your soul.

Oscar quotes and other things that annoy me... from on and off the Red Carpet

• "Who are you wearing?" Holy fuck I hate that.
• "I hope you understand that this is not the Emmys."
• Anytime anyone anywhere mentions the movie Avatar.
• "Jennifer Lopez... welcome."
• "Go in there and have a good time."
• Blah blah blah white power blah blah blah.
• Uuuggghhhhh... it's Miley.
  
• James Cameron, who did you fuck during this film?
• The realization that Whoopi Goldberg has "wet pants" - WTF?
  
• "Look at that swirl, girl!"
• And the Oscar goes to... COUGARTOWN: THE MOVIE.*
• So, Jabba, is it exciting to be the first of the Hut Clan to be nominated for an Academy Award?
• Oh shitballs... it's NPH!
• Jeff Bridges... whistling like a fancycock fuckpants fagboy.
  
• "What's with all that Hitler memorabilia?"
• Gee, I thought Penelope Cruz could actually speak English.
  
• "I love you more than rainbows, baby." GAY.
• Wait wait wait wait wait... wait... wait... wait. That's Molly Ringwald?
• I see that, once again, Judd Nelson smoked some meth just prior to going on stage.
• The term clothes-whores is about as funny as having two hosts.
  

*no, no. I'm kidding.

Today's Useless Animation

Another Useless Video from The Vault

Breaking wind in a contained area?

Oh, come on. It happens to us all.

But, what should you avoid saying?

• I just lit the devil's fire.
  
• Regis? Is that you?
• Well, now we know where Elvis went.
• I guess my lower intestines just filed for unemployment.
• Did I just unzip my asspack?
• I should probably sign for that delivery.
• Oh, is it Autumn already?
• Who invited Napoleon?
• It smells like used Pergo in here.
  
• Mom? Mom? They told me you were dead!
  
• Time to make the donuts.
  
• And I thought they smelled bad... on the outside.

Today's Offensive Image from the Internets

13 things I learned from the 2010 Olympics

1. Billy Shats likes to fuck in a canoe.
2. No one is allowed to ski unless they are drop dead gorgeous.
3. Matt Lauer is a repressed metrosexual that simply tries too hard.
4. On the other hand, Bob Costas is the shiz-nit.
5. Russia still gets pissed off way too easily.
6. Mike doesn’t shake THAT much. Yet.
7. Even a bobsled can have a cool name.
8. There is so much more to Canada than ice and alcohol.
9. Newfoundlanders save lives.
10. Apparently, Olympic athletes eat a lot of McDonalds
    
11. Utopia for Whitey is spelled V-A-N-C-O-U-V-E-R.
12. Speaking of bobsledding, apparently fat people can win too.
13. It's 2010 and I still have '88's theme music "Can't You Feel It" stuck in my head.