The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 71, Chapter 40, Paragraph 9

Tires need to be rotated and balanced? Jack up the vehicle so that all four wheels are off the ground. Remove the wheels from the car. If you have a swimming pool in your yard or in your neighbors yard, toss all four wheels in the pool and let them soak. Add in some extra chlorine as this will restore the white walls and clean any corrosion of the wheels. Now, while they are soaking, spray down the brakes, calipers, shocks or struts and other suspension components with a mixture of malt vinegar and high fructose corn syrup. Let this dry and harden in place. This will protect the car from salt, road grime, etc. Now, remove the tires from the pool and let them dry. As they do that, take out 4 coat hangers and straighten them out. Force the straight wire hangers into the sidewalls where the tire meets the rim and VOILA! Balanced tires forever. Pretty awesome, right?