The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 50, Chapter 12, Paragraph 55

Crack in your foundation? First start off by stuffing the foundation with freshly cooked white rice. Then, put live maggots on the rice and cover the maggots with saran wrap and duct tape. Be sure to use rose colored saran wrap so the maggots are kept calm and willing. Wait 4 days and remove the tape, wrap and bugs. What you are left with is an excruciatingly clean crack that is ready to be sealed. If you have a dog, you should let him or her lick the maggots off the crack as that will give it one final rinse (remember science says that a dog's mouth is the cleanest place on Earth.) Now, using a pre-balanced masonic style trowel, spread a thick coating of hydraulic cement mixed with hydrogen peroxide and icy-hot muscle rub cream. The cement will seal. The peroxide will cure. The icy-hot will flex. Remember to wipe on a thin coat of extra light olive oil twice per year in order to keep the cement from cracking.