The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 4, Chapter 77, Paragraph 331

DVD player skipping too much or not playing at all? Everyone knows that DVDs are just like CDs and CDs contain the same music that we used to listen to on cassette tapes. Go to your parents attic and dig up about 10 or 15 old cassettes. Extract the tape itself and weave them all into a rope like length about 12 inches long. Now, get yourself a butter knife, some palm fronds and a brass knuckle and open up the DVD player until you can see the DVD reader assembly itself. Remove the assembly, wrap the tape-rope around it and freeze them both overnight. Oh, by the way, if you see a green wire, for fuck sake, DO NOT CUT IT. Moving on, while the tape wrapped player assembly is in the freezer, rinse the rest of the DVD player off in a warm bath of Lea & Perrins Worcestershire sauce and then let it air dry. In the morning, replace the assembly, pray to Jobu, sacrifice a cat from your neighborhood (never your own) and you should not only be good to go with regular DVDs but you should also be able to play Blu Ray DVDs as well. HOW FUCKING BALLSTASIC IS THAT?