Today's Useless Global Warning

Be worried, be very worried
The climate is crashing, and global warming is to blame

No one can say exactly what it looks like when a planet takes ill, but it probably looks a lot like Earth. Or, I suppose, that rejected bullshit called "Pluto."

Anyway, never mind what you've heard about global warming as a slow-motion emergency that would take decades to play out. Suddenly and unexpectedly, the crisis is upon us.

From heat waves to storms to floods to fires to massive glacial melts, the global climate seems to be crashing around us.

The problem -- as scientists suspected but few others appreciated -- is that global climate systems are booby-trapped with tipping points and feedback loops, thresholds past which the slow creep of environmental decay gives way to sudden and self-perpetuating collapse. That's just what's happening now.

(cue music: dun-dun DUN!)

It's at the north and south poles -- where ice cover is crumbling to slush -- that the crisis is being felt the most acutely.

Late last year, for example, researchers analyzed data from Canadian and European satellites and found that the Greenland ice sheet is not only melting, but doing so faster and faster, with 53 cubic miles draining away into the sea last year alone, compared to 23 cubic miles in 1996.

What else can we expect from global warming?

• Way more overweight middle aged men wearing tank top tee shirts.
• Less snow fort time, more pool side time!
• Tropicana Sunblock SPF 4000 on sale at CVS.
• Solar Powered Fagboy Cars coming into style.
• Naked people... everywhere.
• Iceland becomes Greenland and Greenland becomes Rhode Island.
• Inner city kids cooking their Ramen Noodles right on the overheated sidewalks.
• Glacier Water Vodka from Newfoundland for everyone!
• I don't know... what does it say in the Bible?
• A dramatic increase in Global Warming Bitching Blogs.
• Endless shows on PBS, narrated by James Earl Jones, that talk about the inevitable destruction of life as we know it.
• Chuck E. Cheese finally runs for office.
  
• The Messiah rising forth and delivering the chosen people unto blah, blah, blah.
• My only friend... the end.