Bernard Destrosino, better known as the infamous second in command of the evil paramilitary group COBRA, died earlier today at Pop's Diner in Freschette, NJ. Authorities say his death was due to his long battle with rust. "Destro developed a quarter sized hole in his dome about 2 years ago," Said Dr. Wiggles, a New Jersey podiatrist and weekend clown who performed the autopsy in a secret location somewhere near that place that's near a tollbooth. "This corrosion grew into an orange sized opening in which several squirrels made a nest."
Medical reports show that constant exposure to the elements and high pitched singing destroyed the goey outer layer of Destro's malevolent brain. Friends close to the deceased cited his recent bout of depression as the primary cause.
"He just wasn't polishing," said Major Blood. "It was like, he'd wake up, stare at the weather control machine, say 'fuck it', and go for a long walk in the rain. I mean, he could have turned off the rain, bringing drought and famine to the entire planet and ensuring the rule of COBRA over all the Earth, despite the lack of food and slaves and all that caused by said drought, yeah, he could have done that if he wanted to. He was a powerful man, you know?"
Others were less certain. Cobra Commander, the outspoken mastermind behind the perpetually foiled militia, felt there may have been foul play. "The man had a stainless steel head! I know he did, because I gave it to him for his birthday in 1963! He was never supposed to rust! NEVER! GI Joe is behind this! We will have revenge! COBRA!!!!" The Commander has experience with metal headgear. In fact, when Destro lost his organic skull during the raid on JOE HEADQUARTERS, Commander was the first person he called.
"Of course he called me, imbecile! I have a METAL FACE!" he said.
"It's a sad day," said Hawk, a GI Joe representative. "We've been competitors for so long. he really raised out level of combat. Without Destro, there'd be no Hawk. On the field, I only wanted to utterly destroy him, but as a human being, you feel for this. He had kids. Not his own kids, and he was performing horrible experiments on them, but kids none the less."
Another Joe member was less sympathetic. Snake Eyes issued a statement via his agent, saying "...... ........................ ............. ..........."
But COBRA is doing its best to move on. "I've got millions of scarffed assassins on call and every day they are killing each other for a promotion. My phone rings non stop. I'll take one of them, mix up some DNA and aluminum and make a NEW DESTRO!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAaaaa." Moving on won't be that easy. Despite never having a single victory over JI Joe, Destro was responsible for many of its clandestine projects, such as its hydro-wavulator, the earthquake button and the memorable kidnapping plot which ensnared Lady Jane. memorial services will be held in a dank fortress somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.
