"Today, with you are the cardinals from the Roman Curia, all the bishops and priests around the world," said Cardinal Angelo Sodano, former Vatican secretary of state and the dean of the College of Cardinals.
Speaking at the beginning of the Easter Sunday ceremony, Sodano did not specifically mention the sexual abuse scandal that has engulfed the Catholic Church in recent months.
What else have they told the Pope lately?
- Moses really did look like Charlton Heston.
- Don't worry about what the Nazi's did. That was, like, so long ago.
- Jesus was a compulsive gambler which is why most of his life was omitted from the Bible.
- Conveniently enough, the 11th Commandment was "When in doubt, deny it out."
- This whole child molestation problem would go away if he'd just change his name to Pope Awesomeness I.
- Senior Vatican officials have done a great job keeping it secret that the Pope's father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery and his mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet.
- The College of Cardinals have put out a hit on Dan Brown not because of his Vatican-bashing books but because of his fucking annoying holier than thou attitude.
- Freemasonry might not be the work of the devil but it's still fun to pretend it is.
- Churches that are facing declining parishes have been told to merge Sunday School with their local Chuck-E-Cheese and rename it "Jesus-E-Justified."
- At this point, Walmart is basically paying all the bills.
- Barack Obama IS the second coming so, you know, this is as good as it's going to get.
