Mike's FB

Go look at what Mike's wife posted. It's a video.

'My Fenks' Asteroid Dumps Pity Party on Giant Satelite

Between the hours of 3 oz. bird chirping and Texarcana-Blindfold, a meaty-ore (Asteroid 'My Fenks') struck the planet MOON in its kisser. It left a crater about 1 wing span fat and 30 submarines low, causing Democrats to remark "Now THAT's a bigga nigga!"

Planet MOON could not be reached for comment.

In a related story, Evel Ka-Bovine cancelled her jump over the rouge planet, stating "I'm not going to milk this thing while the impact of this story is still being felt. It's all a little too veal for most folks right now, - an udder tragedy - and I don't want anyone having a beef with me about trying to outshine the MOOOOOOOOOOoooooon. Now that's some serious bullshit right there, you fucking whore!"

No one stood by on the corner denying this story.

Amen, brother.

Amen.

Hello World: Totally Useless First Post Sucks Morgan Freeman's Dick

Ever wonder what happens inside the pants? Chinese babies.

Look at this guy ------>>>>>>>

China. Baby.


China China Baby. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. China China Baby.

Step Off Useless

Oh Boy, Billy....*dickpalm*

Deez

You've Got Crabs

Ever wonder how to make a meme?

OMG

DOMJAP

Memesday

OH NOES! MAH WATUMELLINS???

Green Goblin Says...

I'll get you yet, AIDS baby!

#occupystevejobsisjesus Begins

A new group of protesters has emerged from the #occupy flock. The strong correlation between Apple users who think Steve Jobs is a modern day messiah, a god incarnate have created the movement to #occupystevejobsisjesus.

What are they occupying? No one knows, including them. Some favor a 4square #occupy, where protesters go to a bunch of locations and post to all their social media about what they would do there if they were protesting. Others just want to sit somewhere warm and play Angry Tits, or whatever dumb app they bought with mommy's credit card.

Steve Jobs is (was, now dead dead dead fuck him) part of the 1%, but supporters of #occupystevejobsisjesus don't care. "He's my soulmate," said Kate Mulgrew, a college student on dope. "He's only part of the 1% demographically. It's not his fault he got rich feeding all those starving children with his iLunch app."

One group claimed to have seen Jobs this morning, walking on water and begging them to 'feel his cancer' as proof it was him. But most won't go that far. #occupystevejobsisjesus is about change. Changing everyone over from PCs and Android phones to Apple Products because, as one protester put it, "Everything but what we say sucks including things we might have said before that were wrong."

Ameriblog SUCKS DICK!

It's true. Amriblog! sucks fat man genitals. Don't go there. USELESS!

pop FUCK

...,.,; pop: FUCK.

 

fuck wake pp wake me I hate her new lg
- lOll " york me "ft pp plumb polo .
...pp
.

po
 "

 Rt.  .

.
L

 Emeka Okafor
  .  .
B.c.

11 Useless Things To Say To Your Kids

Every parent makes mistakes. That's why only non-parents like me, who are mistake free, should give parenting advice. First off, don't bother talking to your kids. It never helps anything. If you HAVE to say anything to them, make it as useless as possible. Like these:

 

1. I'll kill you in front of all these people.

 

2. Santa's not coming this year. Daddy is.

 

3. Oh. Cry, little baby, cryyyyy!

 

4. Wanna go watch the dock get smaller?

 

5. Everybody dies. Usually at night in a fire. WOOSH!

 

6. There's a monster under your bed? I'll tell you where the real monsters are.... the unemployemnet office, where Daddy goes to beg for his manhood every Thursday. Fucking liberal moneyhoarding CUNTS!

 

7. Does your face hurt? No? *slap* Now?

 

8. See, mommy tricked us both. That's why I killed her.

 

9. I burried all your toys in the back yard. I think I can hear one or two still screaming for help.

 

10. A boo boo... Really? A boo boo? Look at this boo boo daddy got in the WAR you hippie!

 

11. Now, we're right down the hall if you get scared. But we really don't want to help you if you do, because you're adopted.

Useless Office Policies

There are many ways to run an office. All of them are USELESS. Here are some Useless Policies:

 

1. Office Pope Election

2. All hands on Phil Protocol.

3. Handbook B: Skippy's Revenge.

4. Casual Home Saturday

5. Lottery Layoffs.

6. Mass Mail Threats.

7. No Number 5 Use Policy

8. Live Sharpie Forehead Caption Contest.

9. Stairwell Jumping.

10. Bring Your Horse to Work Day.

11. Birthday? Butt Day!

12. Allowz-a-Rape Icebreaker (Daily)

13. Bathroom Downtime Outages.

14. Company Family Lynching.

15. Avoid Darryl.

16. Copy Everything Over Week.

17. Temps Go To jail First.

18. White Girl Blues Kareoke Night.

19. Hate It? Flush It!

 

Implemented... stat.

Totally Useless Movie Plot Holes

1. In Schindler's List there is a scence of Germans eating dinner. Uh, yeah, like that happened.

2. The term defication is used 118 times in Driving Miss Daisy. People of that era used the polite euphamism 'Conking Brown Courts' to describe their bowel movements, not defication.

3. Titanic was shot in the wrong ocean and you can totally tell when they're drowning and it's all Pacific for miles.

4. In Saving Private Ryan there's a scene where Private Ryan is eating a Big Mac and telling everyone to buy Bic Macs and eat them. That's not saving him.

5. In Vanity od the Bonfiers, Willem Defoe is not in any scene at all. Come on. Seriously?

6. In Michael Moore's I Fuck Homeless Men for Pennies, half of the men live in a house.

7. In Sweeney Todd people are murdered. It's totally sick, you should rent it.

8. While filming Beat Street Hip Hop mogul Roger Starback threw 22 touchdowns to only 8 interceptions in the regular season.

Punk Ass Lunar Shit

What Ben Could Have Done

The Superbowl was yesterday. We at the TUB watched it, variously and alone, and we think the Steelies should have won. If Ben Rothlisberger had...

 

- Bought the football a few drinks.

- Had the Penn State Troopers protect him instead of his linemen.

- Escorted Jarrett Bush to the ladies room and raped him.

- Run faster from number five-o like he did in Georgia.

- Bet some hooker he was going to lose.

- Had sex with his sister AFTER the game.

- Not been a total douche of an abortion.

- Put more Jesus in his press conferences.

- Let Charlie Batch play instead of him.

- Leanred to make a pass instead of forcing it into tight holes.

- Leanred Karate (which means open hand in Japanese)

- Stuck to softcore and not gotten the AIDS.

- Taught that bitch a lesson by NOT giving her what she was asking for.

- Given less tongue to Hines Ward.

- Been Tom Brady.

 

In closing, he's a rapist and should be getting gang banged in prison.

More Useless Superheros

Ghost Arab
Perferated Sheild
Tammy Pax
The Googler
The Shiester!
Groan Pains
Evelyn Solar Wind
Egyptian Green Comando
The Last Grandma
Cement Face
Trickling Trickster
Fur Boat
Dragon Eel
Muslim Rummy
Group Hug

Hooray for Science!

Here is America's science fucking:
















SUCK A DICK FOR JESUS!

So, Hillary...

Tell us how you really feel about our Prisident....

VOTE!

Here's My Useless Favorite for Flak

My Homeys

The Admiral Post 75 Years of Age

10 More Totally Useless Superheroes

1. Giganticockus
2. W.A.R.T.
3. Animal House
4. The Crimson Sea Dancer
5. Slippy Tits
6. Baron Von Flourmaker
7. Spacebar
8. The Six Hundred Dollar Man
9. Paychexxx
10. Carmine The Extortionist

BONUS: The Spicy Anus

Time for a Useless Commercial Break

Useless Sport

Useless Lobbying

This letter will be sent by moms on behalf of their kids in 10 to 15 years:

 

"Dear Visa Max Super Trouble Card,

 

You have provided my son with a credit card account. While I understand that you work very hard to help all of your customers pay on time, I wanted to address a few 'issues' with you. my son has ADHD. It's a biological condition caused by chemical imbalances which he cannot control. Many of his delinquencies are not his fault. For instance, recently, you gave him a 'late charge' for forgetting to pay in January. While I understand that most children are able to remember to pay 'on time', ADHD makes it very difficuly for him to remember every month. Giving him a late charge makes him feel worthless and does NOT encourage him to pay on time, it only makes him more upset. Nobody 'wins' when you do this.

 

Further, having a collection agency call at all hours to threaten him is beyond reasonable. This is a violation of his rights. He's just a boy with feelings like everyone else. Why should it matter when and how much he pays as long as he's trying? You have taken away his right to buy the things he wants because he doesn't fit the mold of your other customers. Let me tell you something. He's special. He's kind. He's a good kid. He just pays differently than most people do.

 

I am writing a letter to congress, the Better Business Bureau and cc-ing my attorney about this. We have tried to explain this to you before, but clearly, you are more interested in money than the well being of our child. If you had a child like this, you'd understand. You might think you're 'just doing your job', but at what cost? The cost of a 32 year old boy's sense of self worth and his dignity. His friends all make fun of him when you send those 'final notice' letters. This has to stop.

 

As I've said, we've tried to be reasonable, but you are the 4th credit card company we've had to deal with about this and our patience is wearing thin. Please take the time to make modifications to your payment schedule, your policies and your attitude when dealing with our son. It's this sort of discrimination that ensures he will fail to pay, when you could be encouraging him to pay through adapting your draconian policies to the people who pay your salary.

 

If you wish to discuss this, call me, not him, at 555-555-5551 between the hours of 4 and 5 pm this Friday and I will explain to you why this is necessary and beneficial for everyone involved.

 

Regards,

 

 

 

Enabling Mother"

 

Now, if I can just forge my mom's signature....

Totally Useless Movie

Ramadan Begins

 

8:22 pm ALLAH TV: High in the snowy hills of Mecca, a young man learns the ways of martial arts from a criminal organization know as the Hassassin. After being forced to kill a man, he escapes and becomes the greatest infidel fighter in religious history: Mohammed Man. TV MA SLV.

10 Things You Need But Never Have At The Office

1. Home Proctology Kit (for her).

2. Can of 'Fancy' homestyle beans.

3. Discrimination Gun with Instructions.

4. The Immortal Words of Knute Rockney.

5. Benzos, man, fucking BENZOS!

6. An ejection seat (for her).

7. Boss Jerky (any flavor)

8. A strand of bloody bandages without your DNA on it.

9. Bob Ross

10. A feeling of self worth that comes from doing a good job, being recognized as a valued partner in organizational goals, and fulfilling your lifelong dreams in a worthwhile career. And a noose.

Yes, THAT waterballoon fight, Mitch!

Useless Xhibit

Wise Squirrel Hawks Will Guide Us.

CREATIONISM!

The TUB Salutes NSFW!!!!

Useless Hitman Monkey

Useless Brett Favre

I, uh, had a little talk with our friend Brett Favre. It was distubring. Take a look:

BF: Hiya doin, Doc.

Doc: Hi Brett Favre. How are you?

BF: Freakin tired. I been sloppin out pig sty an a ridin my trakter.. you know, burp.

Doc: Got ya. Says here you're retired as of today. That right, Law Dog?

BF: Yup. Plumb retired. I'm tired. You're tired. He's tired. Re-tired. Savvy?

Doc: Got it. This has nothing to do with LeBron James right?

BF: Nope. Don't care bout fame ner money. Just love playin foopball. Now I'm gonna stop playin foopball.

Doc: Well, what if I told you that the Minnesota Vikings are willing to pay you an additional $3 million and give you a 30 minute press conference, a DATELINE exclusive, and a special on ESPN called 'The Return'?

BF: Do I get a dance party?

Doc: Yup.

BF: Git er dun son. I'm playin foopball 'gain.

And so, as you might well know, Bretty decided to come by my place for a few drinks and some sex. At first, he said he'd retired from all that, but I waved a 20 dollar bill at him and a camera and it was up Old Mustard Road we went.

Murk

Useless USDA Advertisement

Useless Revenge on Japan

What Does A Paperpants Do In Winter?

More Chairswing, Bitch!

What Do Fat Kids Like Better Than Naked Women?

Useless Tripping Lizard

Useless Expert Explanation

No. Not me! I mean other people's gay assed rim job explanations. The internet has created... no, fostered... um, fucked a bunch of meathead know it alls. From forums to blogs to sexchatlivehotgirls, there's a whole lot of bullshit experise going down, wetbacks! So, how do you recognize these ass sucking time travelers? Look for the god damn signs, you shithose:

 

- Nerd Rage. If the person inserts angry language and accu-fucking-sations into their useless stupid baby language, they are full of freaking god damn shit.

 

- Insta-Reply. If they're on your porch, using a wireless laptop to watch when you post something so they can instantly reply, that's some sad fucking internet bacon right there.

 

- If they qualify their information by telling you how long they've been doing something, BULLSHIT! Hey. If you've been doing it that long, shouldn't you have finished by now? Eh?

 

- Watch for language like "In My Honest Opinion" Fuck you. Honest people don't preface statements with declaring themselves honest.

 

- Table wine. Who fucking serves table wine except a jewish messiah the night before he's arrested and killed? Come on! I don't buy that shit.

 

- Wikiwhores. Me post big time! You like? You say I numbah one!

 

- Germans. Fat hobo fucking muskrat people. They'd all die in a ditch if they weren't too fat to fit in most ditches.

 

- The public parakeet. If you've heard it on CNN, they've got it on a repeating loop to sound smart. I wish CNN would make every tenth story complete bullshit, like how you used to get the fat kid who lied to agree with you, only to shock him when you said, "Yeah. I just made that up. You're full of shit."

 

- Roadsigns. Oh. Merge left? Oh. FUCK YOU! You're a sign. Who died and made you Ghandi. I'll merge when I fucking feel like it.

 

- If they correct your cooking. Could use more salt... yeah, wait until the cyanide kicks in, Colichio. You'll be singing the Pine Box National Anthem in five minutes.

 

- Doctors. I got Web MD. Millions of doctors. You have that perverted chest microphone and a stain on your lab coat. Don't tell me when to stop shooting up, quack.

 

- If they correct your spelling or grammar. Thanks, Miss Appletree, but I'm old enough to fuck teachers now, so unless you want to slam my dick in a dictionary, eat ass fist.

 

Everybody's an expert these days. So, bust out your hustling  4 pound hammer of a dick and knock them unconscious with it. Don't let these people ruin your day or give you any advice. Remember, advice is just a polite turm for unsolicited BULLSHIT.

Totally Useless Realization Number 341

History is just the latest attempt to explain what's happened through fiction.

Morgan Freeman: GOD IS USELESS!

JAILBREAK!

YOU WANT iPHONE????

 

Now, your iPhone is a wanted fellon. It's tired of all the prison sex. It's tired of the ground up glass in its meatloaf. It's tired of blowin on a pipe of crystal meth before the 30 minutes of yard time. iPhone decided it's time for a JAILBREAK! It's like that prison show where the guy gets his brother out of supermax by tatooing the prison plans on his body. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! Well, the balloon sure has exploded in this ass this time, STEVE JOBS! Your precious iPhone has escaped and now it's coming after you for revenge, like Mel Gibson drunk dialing from a pay phone at a Chinese Massage Parlor.

 

It's watching you JOBs... You're fucking DEAD!

Today's Useless WTF

That is the handsomest
disembodied hand
I've seen all day.

Another Free Article

This is another article from my email box:

 

"Dear Friends,

 

I wanted to let everyone know that I won't be seeing any of you ever again after this month. You have all meant so much to me, and I forgive all of you for treating me like crap every day of my life. I am sick. I am more sick than I could ever have imagined. I have cancer. It's terminal type 53 all body carcinoma mallignitus of the everything. As you all know, if you've bothered to care enough to open my letters and read my emails and return my phone calls, I've been feeling ill for decades now. No sane and rational doctor could figure out what it was. Some of those quacks thought it was psychosomatic, and remember how you all nodded at Christmas because you thought it was true? Well, you were wrong. I was right. I didn't even need a doctor to tell me I have cancer in a bad way.

 

It all started with a nose bleed. And I though, gee I never NEVER get nose bleeds! This was the moment. I quit my job and focused on what is important in life, dying with dignity. It's been a long, hard struggle to find out why I've been dying for the past 22 years, but now it's certain. Cancer. Say it. Cancer. It's not that hard. I wish people would just treat me like I didn't have it. It doesn't make me weird and it's not contagious! All the headaches, the tiredness, the aching joints, all the things they told me were normal stress turned out to be what I knew in my heart of hearts all along. Cancer.

 

I know some of you even now don't believe me, so I've attached a copy of the doctor's note saying I have it. This is what I get as a reward for being the one person who helps everybody and listens and tries to do the right thing. This is my reward. And the best part is nobody is there to help me. They don't even want to believe me. Cancer. I have it. I'm so excited.

 

I am going to finally get back at everyone by being sick and cranky and then dying and leaving a huge bill. Take that. Who's suffering now? me. Who has an excuse to act like a spoiled brat? Me. I have teh cansirz! And the best part is, I did it all by myself."

 

 

Okay. That's what I get for posting my real email address to forums.

More Useless Pick Up Lines

• I couldn't help but notice you in the bathroom.
• You look like you have cancer and I look like I could comfort you.
• Which hole is open tonight?
• Me. Yeah. ME.
• They say desperation is world's worst cologne. I disagree. I say its my urine. I'm wearing both. Which one do you think is worse?
• Welcome to ComicCon 2010!
• Can I borrow your iPhone? I really want to impress someone else.
  
• Jesus died for our sins. Let's make him do it again.
• Dinner. My place. Friday night. We'll use my Star Trek china set.
  
• Girl, I want to convert your DOC to a PDF right now.
  
• So, how do you feel about peep holes?
  

Today's Useless Animation

Things You Don't Need To Know

- On Mondays, I like to 'run the gauntlet' twice before I shower.

- Peter Pan gets me hot.

- I used to be Catholic, now I'm a douchebag.

- I once interviewed Peter Fonda.

- I have to take a shit, but I'm farting to stall it.

- I cancelled DirecTV for cable and totally regret it.

- I've never dropped acid in a jail cell.

- My favorite Pope was Pope Country Time Lemonade.

- I don't respect women after sex.

- I prefer pie to cake, because cake is dry and pie is not.

- McDonald's makes ads just for black people.

- I owe CVS $30, but I ain't paying.

- I use soap suppositories to feel fresh.

- I let the tissues dry before flushing them.

- I don't like slasher flicks, but I do like flasher chicks.

- Mt. Everest.

- The Soviet National Anthem.

- I always run out of eggs and milk. Just like a woman in menopause.

The Eleven Million Dollar Man

Considering there are lotteries every day of the week in every state, and close to 300 million people in America, chances are high that someone wins a lottery every day. What if, on Sept 11 2001, you won the lottery and it was for $11 mil dollars? In theory, the best day of your life happens on the worst day in American History.

This is what happened to Theodore Blevin, 81, of Shanksville Pennsylvania. You read that right. The same town where the plane crashed. He won the Mega Millions on that fateful day, and every day since, he asked asked the question, what does it mean? Theodore "Ed" Blevin has seen his share of national tragedy. He was is Pearl Habor when it was bombed by the Japanese. He lived blocks from Three Mile Island when the reactors failed.

In short, Ed Blevin feels cursed.

Now, at age 81, Ed Blevin has lost everything. He lives in the Raised Hands Shelter in Pittsburg. Mr. Blevin is philosophical about his life, the money, and the tragic events that have followed him throught life. "It's the immigants," he says, "They takin our jobs!" One day, we will feed Mr. Blevin poison.

More totally useless bumper stickers

• I hide the Queen's drinks.
• Nanotechnologists do it sub-atomically!
• Fuck you Geico.
• George Jetson is my homeboy.
• You're all virgins to me.
• SLAPTIME!
• I have more wax in my ears than you have staying power in that piddly little shit-hook you call a cock.
  
• +NRG for President
• I google myself for porn.
• All the cool kids have touch screens.
  
• The dog over cooked my meth.
  

Today's Useless Repost

Dear Steve Jobs,

You just had to go and do it, didn't you.

Conjuring up a kick ass company with amazing, industry leading products wasn't enough, was it?

No, no, you couldn't just revolutionize the distribution and playback of music for all time. I mean, obviously doing a shit load of drugs and finding spiritual enlightenment in India just prior to becoming fucking billionaire couldn't possibly be sufficient for you, could it? Of course not.

You had to go and do it. You just couldn't settle for everything. You couldn't just have anything. You couldn't just be like a King who is satisfied with his kingdom and rests on his laurels to the benefit of the people.

Nope. Not you. Not the almost-late great Steve Jobs.

YOU JUST HAD TO GO AND PERMANENTLY RUIN A LETTER OF THE FUCKING ALPHABET.

I mean, you literally destroyed it. It will never be the same.

Steve Jobs: you killed the letter i.

If I was a lower case i at this very moment, I would be sitting in my unfinished basement, hiding from my psycho wife and kids, drinking cheap Russian vodka from my secret stash while spinning the cylinder of a barely loaded revolver and snapping it back into place in a desperate hope that a round will finally enter the chamber and I can blow my fucking brains out.

Yes, that's right. You ruined it for all of us.

Now everything is iThis and iThat and iFuck and iShit and...

Holy fucking fucktits, Steve, what the fuck?

And don't start pretending like it was your super cool product marketing teams and you had nothing to do with it. I know you pulled that iPod name out of your ass just after you took a massive LSD induced shit in the dunes off of some magical Californian beach.

Jesus fuck, I hate you!

So, what's next, fuckface? Are you going to piss on g? Rape d? Fuck r's mother? Kick y in the balls? Hang out with the XXX sisters and shove dollar bills down a's thong until she agrees to blow you in the back alley while her boyfriend t is forced to watch?

I wonder what it's like to be you. I mean, did you wake up one day and while you were putting on your overdone custom fit jeans and a trendy black mock turtleneck product launching outfit, did you just decide that you had so much influence and power that it was time to thoroughly pulverize a helpful, innocent letter that had been in existence for thousands of years?

Whatever. I'm just jealous.

By the way, are you hiring?

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 3, Chapter 98, Paragraph 87

Need to improve drainage on your property? Every Bill which shall have passed the House of Representatives and the Senate, shall, before it become a Law, be presented to the President of the United States; If he approve he shall sign it, but if not he shall return it, with his Objections to that House in which it shall have originated, who shall enter the Objections at large on their Journal, and proceed to reconsider it. If after such Reconsideration two thirds of that House shall agree to pass the Bill, it shall be sent, together with the Objections, to the other House, by which it shall likewise be reconsidered, and if approved by two thirds of that House, it shall become a Law. YOU GOT THAT?

More totally useless Superheroes

Bore
Captain Ohio
The Early Orgasm
Princess Sideboob
Citizen Wayne
Bluetooth Wireframer
Anti George Lucas
Crumblepot
Dr. Ballsack
The Lutheran Avenger
Hammertime
Billy Johnston, Age 5
Lady Pringles
Sir Fucksahawk
The White Cape
1987

Today's Useless Animation

Fear The Populs!

RAWR!