Things You Don't Need To Know

- On Mondays, I like to 'run the gauntlet' twice before I shower.

- Peter Pan gets me hot.

- I used to be Catholic, now I'm a douchebag.

- I once interviewed Peter Fonda.

- I have to take a shit, but I'm farting to stall it.

- I cancelled DirecTV for cable and totally regret it.

- I've never dropped acid in a jail cell.

- My favorite Pope was Pope Country Time Lemonade.

- I don't respect women after sex.

- I prefer pie to cake, because cake is dry and pie is not.

- McDonald's makes ads just for black people.

- I owe CVS $30, but I ain't paying.

- I use soap suppositories to feel fresh.

- I let the tissues dry before flushing them.

- I don't like slasher flicks, but I do like flasher chicks.

- Mt. Everest.

- The Soviet National Anthem.

- I always run out of eggs and milk. Just like a woman in menopause.