No. Not me! I mean other people's gay assed rim job explanations. The internet has created... no, fostered... um, fucked a bunch of meathead know it alls. From forums to blogs to sexchatlivehotgirls, there's a whole lot of bullshit experise going down, wetbacks! So, how do you recognize these ass sucking time travelers? Look for the god damn signs, you shithose:
- Nerd Rage. If the person inserts angry language and accu-fucking-sations into their useless stupid baby language, they are full of freaking god damn shit.
- Insta-Reply. If they're on your porch, using a wireless laptop to watch when you post something so they can instantly reply, that's some sad fucking internet bacon right there.
- If they qualify their information by telling you how long they've been doing something, BULLSHIT! Hey. If you've been doing it that long, shouldn't you have finished by now? Eh?
- Watch for language like "In My Honest Opinion" Fuck you. Honest people don't preface statements with declaring themselves honest.
- Table wine. Who fucking serves table wine except a jewish messiah the night before he's arrested and killed? Come on! I don't buy that shit.
- Wikiwhores. Me post big time! You like? You say I numbah one!
- Germans. Fat hobo fucking muskrat people. They'd all die in a ditch if they weren't too fat to fit in most ditches.
- The public parakeet. If you've heard it on CNN, they've got it on a repeating loop to sound smart. I wish CNN would make every tenth story complete bullshit, like how you used to get the fat kid who lied to agree with you, only to shock him when you said, "Yeah. I just made that up. You're full of shit."
- Roadsigns. Oh. Merge left? Oh. FUCK YOU! You're a sign. Who died and made you Ghandi. I'll merge when I fucking feel like it.
- If they correct your cooking. Could use more salt... yeah, wait until the cyanide kicks in, Colichio. You'll be singing the Pine Box National Anthem in five minutes.
- Doctors. I got Web MD. Millions of doctors. You have that perverted chest microphone and a stain on your lab coat. Don't tell me when to stop shooting up, quack.
- If they correct your spelling or grammar. Thanks, Miss Appletree, but I'm old enough to fuck teachers now, so unless you want to slam my dick in a dictionary, eat ass fist.
Everybody's an expert these days. So, bust out your hustling 4 pound hammer of a dick and knock them unconscious with it. Don't let these people ruin your day or give you any advice. Remember, advice is just a polite turm for unsolicited BULLSHIT.
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