Useless Expert Explanation

No. Not me! I mean other people's gay assed rim job explanations. The internet has created... no, fostered... um, fucked a bunch of meathead know it alls. From forums to blogs to sexchatlivehotgirls, there's a whole lot of bullshit experise going down, wetbacks! So, how do you recognize these ass sucking time travelers? Look for the god damn signs, you shithose:

 

- Nerd Rage. If the person inserts angry language and accu-fucking-sations into their useless stupid baby language, they are full of freaking god damn shit.

 

- Insta-Reply. If they're on your porch, using a wireless laptop to watch when you post something so they can instantly reply, that's some sad fucking internet bacon right there.

 

- If they qualify their information by telling you how long they've been doing something, BULLSHIT! Hey. If you've been doing it that long, shouldn't you have finished by now? Eh?

 

- Watch for language like "In My Honest Opinion" Fuck you. Honest people don't preface statements with declaring themselves honest.

 

- Table wine. Who fucking serves table wine except a jewish messiah the night before he's arrested and killed? Come on! I don't buy that shit.

 

- Wikiwhores. Me post big time! You like? You say I numbah one!

 

- Germans. Fat hobo fucking muskrat people. They'd all die in a ditch if they weren't too fat to fit in most ditches.

 

- The public parakeet. If you've heard it on CNN, they've got it on a repeating loop to sound smart. I wish CNN would make every tenth story complete bullshit, like how you used to get the fat kid who lied to agree with you, only to shock him when you said, "Yeah. I just made that up. You're full of shit."

 

- Roadsigns. Oh. Merge left? Oh. FUCK YOU! You're a sign. Who died and made you Ghandi. I'll merge when I fucking feel like it.

 

- If they correct your cooking. Could use more salt... yeah, wait until the cyanide kicks in, Colichio. You'll be singing the Pine Box National Anthem in five minutes.

 

- Doctors. I got Web MD. Millions of doctors. You have that perverted chest microphone and a stain on your lab coat. Don't tell me when to stop shooting up, quack.

 

- If they correct your spelling or grammar. Thanks, Miss Appletree, but I'm old enough to fuck teachers now, so unless you want to slam my dick in a dictionary, eat ass fist.

 

Everybody's an expert these days. So, bust out your hustling  4 pound hammer of a dick and knock them unconscious with it. Don't let these people ruin your day or give you any advice. Remember, advice is just a polite turm for unsolicited BULLSHIT.

Totally Useless Realization Number 341

History is just the latest attempt to explain what's happened through fiction.

Morgan Freeman: GOD IS USELESS!

JAILBREAK!

YOU WANT iPHONE????

 

Now, your iPhone is a wanted fellon. It's tired of all the prison sex. It's tired of the ground up glass in its meatloaf. It's tired of blowin on a pipe of crystal meth before the 30 minutes of yard time. iPhone decided it's time for a JAILBREAK! It's like that prison show where the guy gets his brother out of supermax by tatooing the prison plans on his body. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! Well, the balloon sure has exploded in this ass this time, STEVE JOBS! Your precious iPhone has escaped and now it's coming after you for revenge, like Mel Gibson drunk dialing from a pay phone at a Chinese Massage Parlor.

 

It's watching you JOBs... You're fucking DEAD!

Today's Useless WTF

That is the handsomest
disembodied hand
I've seen all day.

Another Free Article

This is another article from my email box:

 

"Dear Friends,

 

I wanted to let everyone know that I won't be seeing any of you ever again after this month. You have all meant so much to me, and I forgive all of you for treating me like crap every day of my life. I am sick. I am more sick than I could ever have imagined. I have cancer. It's terminal type 53 all body carcinoma mallignitus of the everything. As you all know, if you've bothered to care enough to open my letters and read my emails and return my phone calls, I've been feeling ill for decades now. No sane and rational doctor could figure out what it was. Some of those quacks thought it was psychosomatic, and remember how you all nodded at Christmas because you thought it was true? Well, you were wrong. I was right. I didn't even need a doctor to tell me I have cancer in a bad way.

 

It all started with a nose bleed. And I though, gee I never NEVER get nose bleeds! This was the moment. I quit my job and focused on what is important in life, dying with dignity. It's been a long, hard struggle to find out why I've been dying for the past 22 years, but now it's certain. Cancer. Say it. Cancer. It's not that hard. I wish people would just treat me like I didn't have it. It doesn't make me weird and it's not contagious! All the headaches, the tiredness, the aching joints, all the things they told me were normal stress turned out to be what I knew in my heart of hearts all along. Cancer.

 

I know some of you even now don't believe me, so I've attached a copy of the doctor's note saying I have it. This is what I get as a reward for being the one person who helps everybody and listens and tries to do the right thing. This is my reward. And the best part is nobody is there to help me. They don't even want to believe me. Cancer. I have it. I'm so excited.

 

I am going to finally get back at everyone by being sick and cranky and then dying and leaving a huge bill. Take that. Who's suffering now? me. Who has an excuse to act like a spoiled brat? Me. I have teh cansirz! And the best part is, I did it all by myself."

 

 

Okay. That's what I get for posting my real email address to forums.

More Useless Pick Up Lines

• I couldn't help but notice you in the bathroom.
• You look like you have cancer and I look like I could comfort you.
• Which hole is open tonight?
• Me. Yeah. ME.
• They say desperation is world's worst cologne. I disagree. I say its my urine. I'm wearing both. Which one do you think is worse?
• Welcome to ComicCon 2010!
• Can I borrow your iPhone? I really want to impress someone else.
  
• Jesus died for our sins. Let's make him do it again.
• Dinner. My place. Friday night. We'll use my Star Trek china set.
  
• Girl, I want to convert your DOC to a PDF right now.
  
• So, how do you feel about peep holes?
  

Today's Useless Animation

Things You Don't Need To Know

- On Mondays, I like to 'run the gauntlet' twice before I shower.

- Peter Pan gets me hot.

- I used to be Catholic, now I'm a douchebag.

- I once interviewed Peter Fonda.

- I have to take a shit, but I'm farting to stall it.

- I cancelled DirecTV for cable and totally regret it.

- I've never dropped acid in a jail cell.

- My favorite Pope was Pope Country Time Lemonade.

- I don't respect women after sex.

- I prefer pie to cake, because cake is dry and pie is not.

- McDonald's makes ads just for black people.

- I owe CVS $30, but I ain't paying.

- I use soap suppositories to feel fresh.

- I let the tissues dry before flushing them.

- I don't like slasher flicks, but I do like flasher chicks.

- Mt. Everest.

- The Soviet National Anthem.

- I always run out of eggs and milk. Just like a woman in menopause.

The Eleven Million Dollar Man

Considering there are lotteries every day of the week in every state, and close to 300 million people in America, chances are high that someone wins a lottery every day. What if, on Sept 11 2001, you won the lottery and it was for $11 mil dollars? In theory, the best day of your life happens on the worst day in American History.

This is what happened to Theodore Blevin, 81, of Shanksville Pennsylvania. You read that right. The same town where the plane crashed. He won the Mega Millions on that fateful day, and every day since, he asked asked the question, what does it mean? Theodore "Ed" Blevin has seen his share of national tragedy. He was is Pearl Habor when it was bombed by the Japanese. He lived blocks from Three Mile Island when the reactors failed.

In short, Ed Blevin feels cursed.

Now, at age 81, Ed Blevin has lost everything. He lives in the Raised Hands Shelter in Pittsburg. Mr. Blevin is philosophical about his life, the money, and the tragic events that have followed him throught life. "It's the immigants," he says, "They takin our jobs!" One day, we will feed Mr. Blevin poison.

More totally useless bumper stickers

• I hide the Queen's drinks.
• Nanotechnologists do it sub-atomically!
• Fuck you Geico.
• George Jetson is my homeboy.
• You're all virgins to me.
• SLAPTIME!
• I have more wax in my ears than you have staying power in that piddly little shit-hook you call a cock.
  
• +NRG for President
• I google myself for porn.
• All the cool kids have touch screens.
  
• The dog over cooked my meth.
  

Today's Useless Repost

Dear Steve Jobs,

You just had to go and do it, didn't you.

Conjuring up a kick ass company with amazing, industry leading products wasn't enough, was it?

No, no, you couldn't just revolutionize the distribution and playback of music for all time. I mean, obviously doing a shit load of drugs and finding spiritual enlightenment in India just prior to becoming fucking billionaire couldn't possibly be sufficient for you, could it? Of course not.

You had to go and do it. You just couldn't settle for everything. You couldn't just have anything. You couldn't just be like a King who is satisfied with his kingdom and rests on his laurels to the benefit of the people.

Nope. Not you. Not the almost-late great Steve Jobs.

YOU JUST HAD TO GO AND PERMANENTLY RUIN A LETTER OF THE FUCKING ALPHABET.

I mean, you literally destroyed it. It will never be the same.

Steve Jobs: you killed the letter i.

If I was a lower case i at this very moment, I would be sitting in my unfinished basement, hiding from my psycho wife and kids, drinking cheap Russian vodka from my secret stash while spinning the cylinder of a barely loaded revolver and snapping it back into place in a desperate hope that a round will finally enter the chamber and I can blow my fucking brains out.

Yes, that's right. You ruined it for all of us.

Now everything is iThis and iThat and iFuck and iShit and...

Holy fucking fucktits, Steve, what the fuck?

And don't start pretending like it was your super cool product marketing teams and you had nothing to do with it. I know you pulled that iPod name out of your ass just after you took a massive LSD induced shit in the dunes off of some magical Californian beach.

Jesus fuck, I hate you!

So, what's next, fuckface? Are you going to piss on g? Rape d? Fuck r's mother? Kick y in the balls? Hang out with the XXX sisters and shove dollar bills down a's thong until she agrees to blow you in the back alley while her boyfriend t is forced to watch?

I wonder what it's like to be you. I mean, did you wake up one day and while you were putting on your overdone custom fit jeans and a trendy black mock turtleneck product launching outfit, did you just decide that you had so much influence and power that it was time to thoroughly pulverize a helpful, innocent letter that had been in existence for thousands of years?

Whatever. I'm just jealous.

By the way, are you hiring?

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 3, Chapter 98, Paragraph 87

Need to improve drainage on your property? Every Bill which shall have passed the House of Representatives and the Senate, shall, before it become a Law, be presented to the President of the United States; If he approve he shall sign it, but if not he shall return it, with his Objections to that House in which it shall have originated, who shall enter the Objections at large on their Journal, and proceed to reconsider it. If after such Reconsideration two thirds of that House shall agree to pass the Bill, it shall be sent, together with the Objections, to the other House, by which it shall likewise be reconsidered, and if approved by two thirds of that House, it shall become a Law. YOU GOT THAT?

More totally useless Superheroes

Bore
Captain Ohio
The Early Orgasm
Princess Sideboob
Citizen Wayne
Bluetooth Wireframer
Anti George Lucas
Crumblepot
Dr. Ballsack
The Lutheran Avenger
Hammertime
Billy Johnston, Age 5
Lady Pringles
Sir Fucksahawk
The White Cape
1987

Today's Useless Animation

Fear The Populs!

RAWR!

Groundhog Backhanded for Playing Harmonica

Totally Useless Message From Cool Guy

Another guest writer via email has sent me an article for you turds:

 

"Yo! Wuzzup killer? I know you haven't heard from me in a while, so I figured I'd check in with a little coolTLC! Dude, I've been chillin by the pool all summer with my 32 kids. Check em out! Yeah, I taught them to scuba dive, but they can hold their breath for so long, why bother? Ha! Just like their dad, right? Right? Yup, I've got a huge 700 foot deep pool with alligators in it. Don't worry, bro. Totally safe. I trained them. We chase them around the yard and yell GOT YOU when we catch them. We never kill an alligator cuz that's not cool, yo... sad face, anyways what are you up to? (don't care) The pool is so awesome and is on the side of a waterfall, like it's veritcal and you have to dive in from the side and swim sideways to get to the bottom, which is on the other side.

 

So, you probably want to stop by and visit when I'm not super busy which is never because I run the marathons at night now, and there's always a sunrise somewhere on the planet, and rainbows never sleep, so bust me out with a phone call. We're grovin on lots of coolTLC here, and making short work of some ten pound hamburgers made from Bison. Guess that makes them Bison burgers, right? Right? Can't get that in your stores. Only here, you dumbass. So, whether it's gorse racing, or mangling a giant pinata on my kids' many many birthdays, or even sailing round the world in a super yacht I build myself, I'd love for you to come hang out with me and watch. I could use the applause after a hard day of running the global empire, ha!

 

l8trz, freak!

 

Cool Guy

Useless Alcoholism Test

Ever wonder if you're an alcoholic? Take this quiz and find out! Just answer yes or no to each question, count the number of yes answers and no answers, then compare your totals to the reasoning ladder at the end of the quiz. Let's go!

 

Do you drink alcohol every day?

 

Do you drink alcohol only at night?

 

Do you drink alcohol in the bathroom?

 

In a public bathroom?

 

Do you drink alcohol from a Jamaican pay toilet?

 

Do have more than one drink a night?

 

Do you have more than one drink every morning?

 

Do you have more than one drink an hour?

 

Do you have more than one drink per drink?

 

Do you drink alone?

 

Do you drink alone under a bridge?

 

Do you drink with other people over the phone?

 

Do you drink with other people even when they're not there?

 

Do you drink with your furniture and pretend it is people?

 

Do you hide drinks?

 

Do you hide drinks with other people?

 

Do you hide drinks with other people and call it a special easter keg hunt?

 

Do you hide drinks under a bridge?

 

Do you hide drinks in your tummy?

 

Is your tummy drunk right now?

 

Are you drunk right now?

 

Are you other people right now?

 

Do you get angry when you drink?

 

Do you get angry with other people when you drink?

 

Do you drink to get angry?

 

Do you drink when your sad?

 

Do you drink to forget about your cat?

 

Do you drink to get drunk?

 

Do you drink to get your cat drunk?

 

Do you wish you could stop drinking?

 

Do you wish you could never stop drinking?

 

Do you wish your wife was a steam ship filled with Jack Daniel's shots? Toot toot?

 

Are you a steamship filled with Jack Daniel's shots?

 

Do you drink to get your wife?

 

Can yerreeddis?

 

Hosabout dat?

 

Lok ya freaking monkey, you hear what I'm saying?

 

Do you drink to relax?

 

Do you relax when you drink?

 

Do you listen to RELAX when you drink?

 

Do you relapse when you drink?

 

Do you drink to quit doing blow?

 

Do you drink at the behest of the Queen?

 

Do you hide the Queen's drinks?

 

Have you ever blacked out?

 

Have you ever blacked out in Queens?

 

Have you ever given the Queen a black eye over a polite nip of gin?

 

Do you yell at your glass for being to small?

 

Is your fridge full of beer, wine, liquor or grain?

 

Does your fridge always run out of beer, wine, liquor or grain?

 

Does your fridge always run out on you when you punch it because you're shitfaced and it fucked with you for the last time?

 

Has the Queen even suggested you quit drinking?

 

Has the bridge ever suggested you quit drinking?

 

Did you sell your cat for a drink and then regret it?

 

Did you put your cat in the fridge because you thought it was beer, wine, liquor or grain?

 

Do you drink alcohol through a straw?

 

 

 

If you ansered yes to 17 or more of these questions, you're drunk right now.

If you answered yes to less than 17 but more than 10, you're just buzzed.

If you answered yes to less than ten but more than 5, you're not a drunk.

If you answered less than 5, VIRGIN!

If you answered brrrshnebin!, go to bed and sleep it off.

If you can't remember what you're doing, wrong quiz. You want the pot quiz down the hall.

Totally Useless Anatomy

Choccy Starfish:

OMG LOL WTF = Useless Brainwashing Canasta Game

I'll tell you the rules.

1. Get Canasta software off of the back of a truck down at the docks.
2. Remove skin from fingertips to prevent prints from showing up.
3. Locate hefty bag and 5 big rocks.
4. Find a loafer and ask him if he's got a cigarette.
5. Scream 'CANASTA MUTHAFUKKA!' and swing loaded heafty bag at his knees.
6. Show him the software box.
7. Beg him to admit defeat.
8. If he doesn't admit defeat, swing loaded heafty bag at his hip.
9. If he does admit defeat, scream 'NO ONE QUITS CANASTA MUTHAFUKKA!!! NASTA 4 LIFE!' Swing heafty bag at his head until he's on the ground.
10. Mount him.
11. Whipser 'yeah yeah, i beat yo ass at canasta yeah yeah'
12. Hail taxi. Go home.
13. Stiff taxi driver.

How cool are you now?

I See Your Stinger and Raise You a Josh

no that's nor really him but it might as well be...

Walrus Raped By Boy (Patially), Bucket Stolen

The bucket used by Henny Wrongman and lent to his pal A. Walrus, has been stolen. Police suspect a little boy took it. It's totally true. The boy is also wanted for raping A. Walrus (partially) and interstate rocket trafficing.

The boy is unarmed and very friendly. Please contact McDonalds for your $1.00 off coupon if you find him.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 223, Chapter 12, Paragraph 6

Need a special blend of grass patch for your lawn? First off I eat a whole watermelon. Then, I wait a few hours until I'm ready to shit. After that, I drop my seedy dump in an orange Home Depot bucket and then I fish my hand around in there for a while. Then, I slap my neighbor in the face. End of fucking story.

Tom Hanks Creates Online Universe Featuring Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks, the prolific writer, director, movie star and virgin has announced a new Multiplayer Online Universe in which every character is Tom Hanks. Newsboys got the exclusive scoop on the BIG development (that was a movie he was in, BIG, get it?), and Mr. Hanks agreed to sit down and do an interview with our Jack Jackjackjackson Yongpint

JJY: So, Mr. Hanks, what is the name of your new game?

TH: I call it Tom Hanks.

JJY: And in it, everyone gets a chance to play Tom Hanks?

TH: That's right, Jack. Everyone gets to be me!

JJY: So, who do they interact with online?

TH: Each other. And sometimes I pop on to make it a better places. Ha ha.

JJY: So... they're all on at the same time... interacting as if they were you.

TH: Yeah, pretty much. The idea came to me while I was looking in a mirror and having a conversation with myself. I thought, 'Hey, this is fun. Everybody should be able to be me and talk to me.' Then the lawyers got a hold of it and it was a big mess, so we backed this dump truck up to their office and poured pure liquid shit on their building. It was great.

JJY: Can players do that in the game?

TH: No. Not really.

JJY: What exactly can they do?

TH: Well... they walk around and talk to each other.

JJY: As you.

TH: Yup.

JJY: Are their any challenges or enemies in the game?

TH: None that can't be easily overcome. That's the beauty of being me in the game. You don't have any real enemies and you roll right over any obstacles.

JJY: So, what can players do?

TH: Anything they want. But mostly it's an opportunity for them to walk around and congratulate each other on what a great game they made as me. They didn't really make the game, but playing me as a character, we invite them to pretend they do.

JJY: They pretend they're you and congratulate each other?

TH: It's roleplaying.

JJY: What about women?

TH: They're great.

JJY: No, in the game. Can they be you?

TH: ... no. No. They... they're women.

JJY: So what do they do in game?

TH: Um. Well, I never thought they'd be that independent. Do they use computers?

JJY: Some of them do, yes.

TH: Well, I didn't bother to put gender restrictions in the game. I didn't think it would be an issue. I mean, they could play the game as me, but they say such asinine things! You'd know it was a woman! Wouldn't they rather sew?

JJY: I suppose...

TH: Well, if the moderators find any, they'll boot them and ban them. They can do that, you know.

JJY: Are the moderators Tom Hanks in the game as well?

TH: Yes. Suped up versions of me. Closer to the real thing, with the power to make or break you. So be nice to them kids. Ha ha.

JJY: Any plans for an expansion to the game?

TH: Yeah, us, we plan on doing one a year. Like a moon landing one, a deserted island one, a World War II one...

JJY: So, one for all of your movies?

TH: Movies?!?!

JJY: Yes, like Apollo 13 and...

TH: Listen you charlatan. If you doubt the fact of my life story, you'd better be ready to face the consequences. I know people. Jews and Oily Arabs with political connections, and this guy with an Uzi 9mm. I can lock you in a room and throw away the room, get it? You are there to smile and blow me. So shut up and... hey! Get back here! I'll rape your family! You sonofabith!

Newboys ended the interview early in order to play Tom Hanks. Now available in stores.

DoItAll Bob Ganked My Ditch Witch for $200.00

True Story!

Fuck My Heroin!

Today's Useless Crawfish

Today's Useless Job Posting

JOB: Entertaining Professor Handsome Von Awesome
TIME: 15-20 hours
CATEGORY: Charity Work
DATE: 7/13/2005

This man has it all and he wants to show it all to you. The Cars. THE house. A beach. A secret lookout. A HeliJetRotorBoat. All we ask is that you come over and let him talk while you all enjoy his liquor. Some experience required. Must be entertaining with some limited bullshit-stories. Working knowledge of baseball cards, trophies, scuba diving and being especially frugal a must. Please watch Jaws (1975) in advance of any telephone or live interviews.

Today's Useless Animation

Useless Pontif

A little Smokey Smokey...

This Just (Useless) In...

STILL GAY

MS Paint Vacations: France!

Even More Useless and Random Things You Probably Should Know

• Yes, it's true. Sarah Jessica Parker is fucking hideous.
  
• Always... no, no... never forget to check your references.
• Do not upset Chef Boyardee. He will follow you home and have his tasty revenge.
• Lumbergh fucked her.
• Always... no, no... never forget to agree with your wife.
  
• A vagina is required to enjoy the Twilight Saga. That's vagina not vampire. Although, one could argue that they are one and the same.
  
• It's OK to name your Roomba and to drink with it on Saturday mornings.
• The best porn is always made at home.
• Reenacting the Trojan War does not necessarily require a giant wooden horse.
  
• If your last name is Paradise, you should probably be better looking than you already are.
• Never trust a man that invents corporate mascots for a living. He's probably a closeted homo.
  

Today in Totally Useless News

China renews Google license, ending standoff

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) -- Google said Friday that it has renewed its license with the Chinese government to continue operating in that country, ending a standoff over censorship.

"We are very pleased that the government has renewed our [Internet content provider] license and we look forward to continuing to provide Web search and local products to our users in China," said Google on its blog.

Google did not make any concessions regarding censorship, Tokyo-based Google spokeswoman Jessica Powell said.

"I don't think we gave anything up," she said. "We asked the government to renew our license to make some products that don't require any censorship. We are going to continue to offer uncensored Web search with google.com.hk."

What other standoffs is China playing a role in?

• China vs. Mel Gibson
• Child Labor is Awesome vs. Child Labor is Wrong
• The Truth about eating Cats & Dogs vs. The South Beach Diet
• Hair Pie vs. Oh sank you, Booger
  
• Commie Pinkos vs. Git r Dun Assbags
• Food for the people vs. Nuclear Bombs, baby!
• USA is OK vs. but Dick Cheney is still alive
• Buddha vs. Jesus - SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY
  

Today's Useless WTF?

10 More Useless Things You Don't Want To Say In Bed

1. Hold still, sweetie. I want to Facebook your ass.
2. Don’t worry, it’ll fit.
3. Stink up my rough house, baby.
4. (in a heavy Russian accent) I like to eat like animal.
5. I want your crap.
6. Blow on this hot dog to cool it off first, please.
7. WOMAN: Oh, Tom Brady! MAN: Oh, Julie Andrews circa 1965!
8. Mmm... hang on while I get my manhole cover.
9. A-113! A-113!
10. If I could pause this moment, I would totally jerk off to it later.

BONUS: Hair pie?

Today's Useless Animation

New Contributer: The Angry Woman

Submitted by email:

 

"This is an article for your blog to set all the men straight on a few things about women. You men seem to think you're so clever and that your shit doesn't stink. Well, it does. You guys are typically lazy, loud and obnoxious. Men. Unbelievable. You have it easy. We have periods and childbirth and discrimination and sexual harassment. What do you have to deal with? Oh. Your sports club lost. You're horny. You want to take a nap. Oh, poor baby.

 

I am the only one around here doing anything! No one helps me and I feel like I'm all alone! You do nothing NOTHING to help me. You don't listen to my concerns and feelings. You don't respect my opinions. You don't let me do whatever the hell I want and get away with it. You're suh an asshole. And don't hang the whole "I work hard and I always try to make you feel better when you come home" bullshit because that's your fucking JOB to wait on me, cater to me and stop everything to deal with any little gaddamn crisis that comes up.

 

Oh, you broke your finger trying to fix the lawnmower? Fuck you. I did the dishes. Deal with it. I don't care if yu have to mow the fucking lawn with your stinky breath useless mouth! You do as I say or I will scream at you. Oh, you made dinner tonight? Wow. Thanks Cassonova. Now I get to eat your shitty cooking AND clean up afterwards? Fucking awesome. Oh, you fixed the bed? Good. Now I'll have somewhere to cry myself to sleep because you ruined my life.

 

This is your fault. When I was a little girl I used to dream of being married and how happy I'd be and how my HUSBAND would TAKE CARE of me and make me feel like the most important person in the world. Well, whoopty fuckin do, my wildest dreams turned into YOU. Christ, the DOG is a better husband that you. Thanks to your saint of a fucking mother who spoiled you and your lazy assed father who taught you women are a cleaning service, now I'm married to a limp dicked invalid who cares more about the flat screen TV than about his poor wife who gave up EVERYTHING to marry him.

 

You are a horrible human being and you suck at everything except ruining people's lives and dreams. Fuck you and I hope you die."

 

Okay. Well, I don't know who she was, but that woman sounds HOT! Basement orgy anyone? Nom nom nom nom!!! Thanks cutie. Send us more.

LeBron GAYmes

According to ESPN.com:

 

"LeBron James is planning to announce the team with which he will sign during a one-hour special on ESPN Thursday night, ESPN The Magazine's Chris Broussard has learned through independent sources.

ESPN would only confirm that active discussions for the special are ongoing. But sources tell Broussard that representatives for James contacted the network, proposing that James makes his announcement during a 9 p.m. ET special."

 

Who freaking does that? They call ESPN and ask for their own special about what team they are going to sign a contract with? It's unprecedented in the world of sports. How freaking conceited do you have to be to request your own sports special? Here's a list of other things LeBron requested having to do with his life:

 

- The Emergency Broadcast Network will now be the LeBron Signing Network

- Oprah Winfrey will host leBron History Month in February.

- His High School diploma will now read Doctorate of High School Awesome

- He will now be referred to as God James Jesus Jimminy Cricket King LeBron Woof!!!!!!@awesome.com

- All hospitals will have a LeBron Wing added for those unfortunate souls recovering from being LeBron James

- Websters Dictionary will now add LeBron James too all definitions, but only is a positive way.

- The United States Congress will begin each session with a vote on how cool LeBron is and immediately pass it into law.

- The National Anthem will be changed to LeBron Puppet commercials before games and events.

- On the night of their marriage, any hot chick will immediately sumbit to LeBron sexually.

- Firemen and Nuclear Missiles will now be referred to as LeBrons.

- Any time LeBron's name is mentioned, all must fall to their knees and excecute themselves.

- LeBron will be shot out of a canon into adoring fans to begin the Olympics.

 

In related news, I'm holding a 2 hour Special on CNN all about how I'm going on vacation tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Psychotic Pants

Oh boy. I just woke up and saw these bad boys outside my 3rd story window. They don't look right in the head. I think they are here to take my shoelaces.

 

Did you see that? When I wasn't looking, those fucking pants spit in my food. I don't trust those pants. They threw me off a cliff once. I dunno... there's just something... not right about them. You know what I'm saying? Like, some pants just give off a creepy vibe and these pants right here, they give me the willies. I'm going to try and put them on. Hold on...

 

 

 

..........

 

Nope. Too tight. Fuck it.

Today's Useless Polish Film Poster

double you tee eff

Destiny

Destiny

by Jar Jar Binks

Ahem. Exsqueeze me? Meesa wanna speak.

So, yousa gonna listen, cus Jar Jar has deesa floor now.

Jar Jar workie doo dah all daysa ana do what big bossman say.

Jar Jar come home an BOOMBA

Yousa start wit da naggie naggie!

ooooOoooooOOoo00)000oo

Meesa work hard alla day long. Wat yousa freakin do

Besides da dildie dildo droid, fooka?

Blllbrbbbrbrbr.

Blllbrbrbrbrbr. Blllbrbrbrbrb.

Isa sounda yousa

Droida in you poosa!

Oh, meesa oh, my-sa! Watta toughie tough life-a yousa got!

Floopin onna couch an playin wit yousa twot!

No nosa cry cry baby stoopid poosa fooka!

Isa show yousa what a joosa foosa for!

OH, now yousa won wan complain an go to bed?

No fair, meesa clap a yousa head

And give yousa loosa poop chute KABLOOSA!

Wacky slap an slippy smack da

Bootie boosa titty crack!

Yousa lucky meesa not a Thailand pimp, bitch!

Today's Useless Art Whore

Frida Kahlo























Shave your forehead beaver, bitch!

Totally Useless Sighting of Jesus Christ

Jesus wasn't even invited, man.
I have no idea how he got in the shot.
IT'S A SIGN, MAN.

Today's Useless Animation

Totally Useless Prayer

"If tomorrow is the great getting up morning, if that tomorrow we have to meet the Judgement Day, oh heavenly father, we want you to let our folks know that we died facing the enemy! We want 'em to know that we went down standing up!"

Today's Useless Fake Commercial Lyrics

(Sung to the "Recall Recall Recall" jingle from 1990's Total Recall)

For the balanced brain
of a lifetime
Go ahead and Abilify

When your mind
has gone to crazy town
and you don't know what to do
I suggest you take some Abilify
and try and try again

If you're fresh out
of adrenochrome
Have a just tiny taste of Abilify

Abilify: relax, finally.