pop FUCK

...,.,; pop: FUCK.

 

fuck wake pp wake me I hate her new lg
- lOll " york me "ft pp plumb polo .
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 Rt.  .

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 Emeka Okafor
  .  .
B.c.

11 Useless Things To Say To Your Kids

Every parent makes mistakes. That's why only non-parents like me, who are mistake free, should give parenting advice. First off, don't bother talking to your kids. It never helps anything. If you HAVE to say anything to them, make it as useless as possible. Like these:

 

1. I'll kill you in front of all these people.

 

2. Santa's not coming this year. Daddy is.

 

3. Oh. Cry, little baby, cryyyyy!

 

4. Wanna go watch the dock get smaller?

 

5. Everybody dies. Usually at night in a fire. WOOSH!

 

6. There's a monster under your bed? I'll tell you where the real monsters are.... the unemployemnet office, where Daddy goes to beg for his manhood every Thursday. Fucking liberal moneyhoarding CUNTS!

 

7. Does your face hurt? No? *slap* Now?

 

8. See, mommy tricked us both. That's why I killed her.

 

9. I burried all your toys in the back yard. I think I can hear one or two still screaming for help.

 

10. A boo boo... Really? A boo boo? Look at this boo boo daddy got in the WAR you hippie!

 

11. Now, we're right down the hall if you get scared. But we really don't want to help you if you do, because you're adopted.

Useless Office Policies

There are many ways to run an office. All of them are USELESS. Here are some Useless Policies:

 

1. Office Pope Election

2. All hands on Phil Protocol.

3. Handbook B: Skippy's Revenge.

4. Casual Home Saturday

5. Lottery Layoffs.

6. Mass Mail Threats.

7. No Number 5 Use Policy

8. Live Sharpie Forehead Caption Contest.

9. Stairwell Jumping.

10. Bring Your Horse to Work Day.

11. Birthday? Butt Day!

12. Allowz-a-Rape Icebreaker (Daily)

13. Bathroom Downtime Outages.

14. Company Family Lynching.

15. Avoid Darryl.

16. Copy Everything Over Week.

17. Temps Go To jail First.

18. White Girl Blues Kareoke Night.

19. Hate It? Flush It!

 

Implemented... stat.

Totally Useless Movie Plot Holes

1. In Schindler's List there is a scence of Germans eating dinner. Uh, yeah, like that happened.

2. The term defication is used 118 times in Driving Miss Daisy. People of that era used the polite euphamism 'Conking Brown Courts' to describe their bowel movements, not defication.

3. Titanic was shot in the wrong ocean and you can totally tell when they're drowning and it's all Pacific for miles.

4. In Saving Private Ryan there's a scene where Private Ryan is eating a Big Mac and telling everyone to buy Bic Macs and eat them. That's not saving him.

5. In Vanity od the Bonfiers, Willem Defoe is not in any scene at all. Come on. Seriously?

6. In Michael Moore's I Fuck Homeless Men for Pennies, half of the men live in a house.

7. In Sweeney Todd people are murdered. It's totally sick, you should rent it.

8. While filming Beat Street Hip Hop mogul Roger Starback threw 22 touchdowns to only 8 interceptions in the regular season.

Punk Ass Lunar Shit

What Ben Could Have Done

The Superbowl was yesterday. We at the TUB watched it, variously and alone, and we think the Steelies should have won. If Ben Rothlisberger had...

 

- Bought the football a few drinks.

- Had the Penn State Troopers protect him instead of his linemen.

- Escorted Jarrett Bush to the ladies room and raped him.

- Run faster from number five-o like he did in Georgia.

- Bet some hooker he was going to lose.

- Had sex with his sister AFTER the game.

- Not been a total douche of an abortion.

- Put more Jesus in his press conferences.

- Let Charlie Batch play instead of him.

- Leanred to make a pass instead of forcing it into tight holes.

- Leanred Karate (which means open hand in Japanese)

- Stuck to softcore and not gotten the AIDS.

- Taught that bitch a lesson by NOT giving her what she was asking for.

- Given less tongue to Hines Ward.

- Been Tom Brady.

 

In closing, he's a rapist and should be getting gang banged in prison.

More Useless Superheros

Ghost Arab
Perferated Sheild
Tammy Pax
The Googler
The Shiester!
Groan Pains
Evelyn Solar Wind
Egyptian Green Comando
The Last Grandma
Cement Face
Trickling Trickster
Fur Boat
Dragon Eel
Muslim Rummy
Group Hug

Hooray for Science!

Here is America's science fucking:
















SUCK A DICK FOR JESUS!

So, Hillary...

Tell us how you really feel about our Prisident....

VOTE!

Here's My Useless Favorite for Flak

My Homeys

The Admiral Post 75 Years of Age

10 More Totally Useless Superheroes

1. Giganticockus
2. W.A.R.T.
3. Animal House
4. The Crimson Sea Dancer
5. Slippy Tits
6. Baron Von Flourmaker
7. Spacebar
8. The Six Hundred Dollar Man
9. Paychexxx
10. Carmine The Extortionist

BONUS: The Spicy Anus

Time for a Useless Commercial Break

Useless Sport

Useless Lobbying

This letter will be sent by moms on behalf of their kids in 10 to 15 years:

 

"Dear Visa Max Super Trouble Card,

 

You have provided my son with a credit card account. While I understand that you work very hard to help all of your customers pay on time, I wanted to address a few 'issues' with you. my son has ADHD. It's a biological condition caused by chemical imbalances which he cannot control. Many of his delinquencies are not his fault. For instance, recently, you gave him a 'late charge' for forgetting to pay in January. While I understand that most children are able to remember to pay 'on time', ADHD makes it very difficuly for him to remember every month. Giving him a late charge makes him feel worthless and does NOT encourage him to pay on time, it only makes him more upset. Nobody 'wins' when you do this.

 

Further, having a collection agency call at all hours to threaten him is beyond reasonable. This is a violation of his rights. He's just a boy with feelings like everyone else. Why should it matter when and how much he pays as long as he's trying? You have taken away his right to buy the things he wants because he doesn't fit the mold of your other customers. Let me tell you something. He's special. He's kind. He's a good kid. He just pays differently than most people do.

 

I am writing a letter to congress, the Better Business Bureau and cc-ing my attorney about this. We have tried to explain this to you before, but clearly, you are more interested in money than the well being of our child. If you had a child like this, you'd understand. You might think you're 'just doing your job', but at what cost? The cost of a 32 year old boy's sense of self worth and his dignity. His friends all make fun of him when you send those 'final notice' letters. This has to stop.

 

As I've said, we've tried to be reasonable, but you are the 4th credit card company we've had to deal with about this and our patience is wearing thin. Please take the time to make modifications to your payment schedule, your policies and your attitude when dealing with our son. It's this sort of discrimination that ensures he will fail to pay, when you could be encouraging him to pay through adapting your draconian policies to the people who pay your salary.

 

If you wish to discuss this, call me, not him, at 555-555-5551 between the hours of 4 and 5 pm this Friday and I will explain to you why this is necessary and beneficial for everyone involved.

 

Regards,

 

 

 

Enabling Mother"

 

Now, if I can just forge my mom's signature....

Totally Useless Movie

Ramadan Begins

 

8:22 pm ALLAH TV: High in the snowy hills of Mecca, a young man learns the ways of martial arts from a criminal organization know as the Hassassin. After being forced to kill a man, he escapes and becomes the greatest infidel fighter in religious history: Mohammed Man. TV MA SLV.

10 Things You Need But Never Have At The Office

1. Home Proctology Kit (for her).

2. Can of 'Fancy' homestyle beans.

3. Discrimination Gun with Instructions.

4. The Immortal Words of Knute Rockney.

5. Benzos, man, fucking BENZOS!

6. An ejection seat (for her).

7. Boss Jerky (any flavor)

8. A strand of bloody bandages without your DNA on it.

9. Bob Ross

10. A feeling of self worth that comes from doing a good job, being recognized as a valued partner in organizational goals, and fulfilling your lifelong dreams in a worthwhile career. And a noose.

Yes, THAT waterballoon fight, Mitch!

Useless Xhibit

Wise Squirrel Hawks Will Guide Us.

CREATIONISM!

The TUB Salutes NSFW!!!!

Useless Hitman Monkey

Useless Brett Favre

I, uh, had a little talk with our friend Brett Favre. It was distubring. Take a look:

BF: Hiya doin, Doc.

Doc: Hi Brett Favre. How are you?

BF: Freakin tired. I been sloppin out pig sty an a ridin my trakter.. you know, burp.

Doc: Got ya. Says here you're retired as of today. That right, Law Dog?

BF: Yup. Plumb retired. I'm tired. You're tired. He's tired. Re-tired. Savvy?

Doc: Got it. This has nothing to do with LeBron James right?

BF: Nope. Don't care bout fame ner money. Just love playin foopball. Now I'm gonna stop playin foopball.

Doc: Well, what if I told you that the Minnesota Vikings are willing to pay you an additional $3 million and give you a 30 minute press conference, a DATELINE exclusive, and a special on ESPN called 'The Return'?

BF: Do I get a dance party?

Doc: Yup.

BF: Git er dun son. I'm playin foopball 'gain.

And so, as you might well know, Bretty decided to come by my place for a few drinks and some sex. At first, he said he'd retired from all that, but I waved a 20 dollar bill at him and a camera and it was up Old Mustard Road we went.

Murk

Useless USDA Advertisement

Useless Revenge on Japan

What Does A Paperpants Do In Winter?

More Chairswing, Bitch!

What Do Fat Kids Like Better Than Naked Women?

Useless Tripping Lizard

Useless Expert Explanation

No. Not me! I mean other people's gay assed rim job explanations. The internet has created... no, fostered... um, fucked a bunch of meathead know it alls. From forums to blogs to sexchatlivehotgirls, there's a whole lot of bullshit experise going down, wetbacks! So, how do you recognize these ass sucking time travelers? Look for the god damn signs, you shithose:

 

- Nerd Rage. If the person inserts angry language and accu-fucking-sations into their useless stupid baby language, they are full of freaking god damn shit.

 

- Insta-Reply. If they're on your porch, using a wireless laptop to watch when you post something so they can instantly reply, that's some sad fucking internet bacon right there.

 

- If they qualify their information by telling you how long they've been doing something, BULLSHIT! Hey. If you've been doing it that long, shouldn't you have finished by now? Eh?

 

- Watch for language like "In My Honest Opinion" Fuck you. Honest people don't preface statements with declaring themselves honest.

 

- Table wine. Who fucking serves table wine except a jewish messiah the night before he's arrested and killed? Come on! I don't buy that shit.

 

- Wikiwhores. Me post big time! You like? You say I numbah one!

 

- Germans. Fat hobo fucking muskrat people. They'd all die in a ditch if they weren't too fat to fit in most ditches.

 

- The public parakeet. If you've heard it on CNN, they've got it on a repeating loop to sound smart. I wish CNN would make every tenth story complete bullshit, like how you used to get the fat kid who lied to agree with you, only to shock him when you said, "Yeah. I just made that up. You're full of shit."

 

- Roadsigns. Oh. Merge left? Oh. FUCK YOU! You're a sign. Who died and made you Ghandi. I'll merge when I fucking feel like it.

 

- If they correct your cooking. Could use more salt... yeah, wait until the cyanide kicks in, Colichio. You'll be singing the Pine Box National Anthem in five minutes.

 

- Doctors. I got Web MD. Millions of doctors. You have that perverted chest microphone and a stain on your lab coat. Don't tell me when to stop shooting up, quack.

 

- If they correct your spelling or grammar. Thanks, Miss Appletree, but I'm old enough to fuck teachers now, so unless you want to slam my dick in a dictionary, eat ass fist.

 

Everybody's an expert these days. So, bust out your hustling  4 pound hammer of a dick and knock them unconscious with it. Don't let these people ruin your day or give you any advice. Remember, advice is just a polite turm for unsolicited BULLSHIT.

Totally Useless Realization Number 341

History is just the latest attempt to explain what's happened through fiction.

Morgan Freeman: GOD IS USELESS!

JAILBREAK!

YOU WANT iPHONE????

 

Now, your iPhone is a wanted fellon. It's tired of all the prison sex. It's tired of the ground up glass in its meatloaf. It's tired of blowin on a pipe of crystal meth before the 30 minutes of yard time. iPhone decided it's time for a JAILBREAK! It's like that prison show where the guy gets his brother out of supermax by tatooing the prison plans on his body. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! Well, the balloon sure has exploded in this ass this time, STEVE JOBS! Your precious iPhone has escaped and now it's coming after you for revenge, like Mel Gibson drunk dialing from a pay phone at a Chinese Massage Parlor.

 

It's watching you JOBs... You're fucking DEAD!

Today's Useless WTF

That is the handsomest
disembodied hand
I've seen all day.

Another Free Article

This is another article from my email box:

 

"Dear Friends,

 

I wanted to let everyone know that I won't be seeing any of you ever again after this month. You have all meant so much to me, and I forgive all of you for treating me like crap every day of my life. I am sick. I am more sick than I could ever have imagined. I have cancer. It's terminal type 53 all body carcinoma mallignitus of the everything. As you all know, if you've bothered to care enough to open my letters and read my emails and return my phone calls, I've been feeling ill for decades now. No sane and rational doctor could figure out what it was. Some of those quacks thought it was psychosomatic, and remember how you all nodded at Christmas because you thought it was true? Well, you were wrong. I was right. I didn't even need a doctor to tell me I have cancer in a bad way.

 

It all started with a nose bleed. And I though, gee I never NEVER get nose bleeds! This was the moment. I quit my job and focused on what is important in life, dying with dignity. It's been a long, hard struggle to find out why I've been dying for the past 22 years, but now it's certain. Cancer. Say it. Cancer. It's not that hard. I wish people would just treat me like I didn't have it. It doesn't make me weird and it's not contagious! All the headaches, the tiredness, the aching joints, all the things they told me were normal stress turned out to be what I knew in my heart of hearts all along. Cancer.

 

I know some of you even now don't believe me, so I've attached a copy of the doctor's note saying I have it. This is what I get as a reward for being the one person who helps everybody and listens and tries to do the right thing. This is my reward. And the best part is nobody is there to help me. They don't even want to believe me. Cancer. I have it. I'm so excited.

 

I am going to finally get back at everyone by being sick and cranky and then dying and leaving a huge bill. Take that. Who's suffering now? me. Who has an excuse to act like a spoiled brat? Me. I have teh cansirz! And the best part is, I did it all by myself."

 

 

Okay. That's what I get for posting my real email address to forums.

More Useless Pick Up Lines

• I couldn't help but notice you in the bathroom.
• You look like you have cancer and I look like I could comfort you.
• Which hole is open tonight?
• Me. Yeah. ME.
• They say desperation is world's worst cologne. I disagree. I say its my urine. I'm wearing both. Which one do you think is worse?
• Welcome to ComicCon 2010!
• Can I borrow your iPhone? I really want to impress someone else.
  
• Jesus died for our sins. Let's make him do it again.
• Dinner. My place. Friday night. We'll use my Star Trek china set.
  
• Girl, I want to convert your DOC to a PDF right now.
  
• So, how do you feel about peep holes?
  

Today's Useless Animation

Things You Don't Need To Know

- On Mondays, I like to 'run the gauntlet' twice before I shower.

- Peter Pan gets me hot.

- I used to be Catholic, now I'm a douchebag.

- I once interviewed Peter Fonda.

- I have to take a shit, but I'm farting to stall it.

- I cancelled DirecTV for cable and totally regret it.

- I've never dropped acid in a jail cell.

- My favorite Pope was Pope Country Time Lemonade.

- I don't respect women after sex.

- I prefer pie to cake, because cake is dry and pie is not.

- McDonald's makes ads just for black people.

- I owe CVS $30, but I ain't paying.

- I use soap suppositories to feel fresh.

- I let the tissues dry before flushing them.

- I don't like slasher flicks, but I do like flasher chicks.

- Mt. Everest.

- The Soviet National Anthem.

- I always run out of eggs and milk. Just like a woman in menopause.

The Eleven Million Dollar Man

Considering there are lotteries every day of the week in every state, and close to 300 million people in America, chances are high that someone wins a lottery every day. What if, on Sept 11 2001, you won the lottery and it was for $11 mil dollars? In theory, the best day of your life happens on the worst day in American History.

This is what happened to Theodore Blevin, 81, of Shanksville Pennsylvania. You read that right. The same town where the plane crashed. He won the Mega Millions on that fateful day, and every day since, he asked asked the question, what does it mean? Theodore "Ed" Blevin has seen his share of national tragedy. He was is Pearl Habor when it was bombed by the Japanese. He lived blocks from Three Mile Island when the reactors failed.

In short, Ed Blevin feels cursed.

Now, at age 81, Ed Blevin has lost everything. He lives in the Raised Hands Shelter in Pittsburg. Mr. Blevin is philosophical about his life, the money, and the tragic events that have followed him throught life. "It's the immigants," he says, "They takin our jobs!" One day, we will feed Mr. Blevin poison.

More totally useless bumper stickers

• I hide the Queen's drinks.
• Nanotechnologists do it sub-atomically!
• Fuck you Geico.
• George Jetson is my homeboy.
• You're all virgins to me.
• SLAPTIME!
• I have more wax in my ears than you have staying power in that piddly little shit-hook you call a cock.
  
• +NRG for President
• I google myself for porn.
• All the cool kids have touch screens.
  
• The dog over cooked my meth.
  

Today's Useless Repost

Dear Steve Jobs,

You just had to go and do it, didn't you.

Conjuring up a kick ass company with amazing, industry leading products wasn't enough, was it?

No, no, you couldn't just revolutionize the distribution and playback of music for all time. I mean, obviously doing a shit load of drugs and finding spiritual enlightenment in India just prior to becoming fucking billionaire couldn't possibly be sufficient for you, could it? Of course not.

You had to go and do it. You just couldn't settle for everything. You couldn't just have anything. You couldn't just be like a King who is satisfied with his kingdom and rests on his laurels to the benefit of the people.

Nope. Not you. Not the almost-late great Steve Jobs.

YOU JUST HAD TO GO AND PERMANENTLY RUIN A LETTER OF THE FUCKING ALPHABET.

I mean, you literally destroyed it. It will never be the same.

Steve Jobs: you killed the letter i.

If I was a lower case i at this very moment, I would be sitting in my unfinished basement, hiding from my psycho wife and kids, drinking cheap Russian vodka from my secret stash while spinning the cylinder of a barely loaded revolver and snapping it back into place in a desperate hope that a round will finally enter the chamber and I can blow my fucking brains out.

Yes, that's right. You ruined it for all of us.

Now everything is iThis and iThat and iFuck and iShit and...

Holy fucking fucktits, Steve, what the fuck?

And don't start pretending like it was your super cool product marketing teams and you had nothing to do with it. I know you pulled that iPod name out of your ass just after you took a massive LSD induced shit in the dunes off of some magical Californian beach.

Jesus fuck, I hate you!

So, what's next, fuckface? Are you going to piss on g? Rape d? Fuck r's mother? Kick y in the balls? Hang out with the XXX sisters and shove dollar bills down a's thong until she agrees to blow you in the back alley while her boyfriend t is forced to watch?

I wonder what it's like to be you. I mean, did you wake up one day and while you were putting on your overdone custom fit jeans and a trendy black mock turtleneck product launching outfit, did you just decide that you had so much influence and power that it was time to thoroughly pulverize a helpful, innocent letter that had been in existence for thousands of years?

Whatever. I'm just jealous.

By the way, are you hiring?

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 3, Chapter 98, Paragraph 87

Need to improve drainage on your property? Every Bill which shall have passed the House of Representatives and the Senate, shall, before it become a Law, be presented to the President of the United States; If he approve he shall sign it, but if not he shall return it, with his Objections to that House in which it shall have originated, who shall enter the Objections at large on their Journal, and proceed to reconsider it. If after such Reconsideration two thirds of that House shall agree to pass the Bill, it shall be sent, together with the Objections, to the other House, by which it shall likewise be reconsidered, and if approved by two thirds of that House, it shall become a Law. YOU GOT THAT?

More totally useless Superheroes

Bore
Captain Ohio
The Early Orgasm
Princess Sideboob
Citizen Wayne
Bluetooth Wireframer
Anti George Lucas
Crumblepot
Dr. Ballsack
The Lutheran Avenger
Hammertime
Billy Johnston, Age 5
Lady Pringles
Sir Fucksahawk
The White Cape
1987

Today's Useless Animation

Fear The Populs!

RAWR!

Groundhog Backhanded for Playing Harmonica

Totally Useless Message From Cool Guy

Another guest writer via email has sent me an article for you turds:

 

"Yo! Wuzzup killer? I know you haven't heard from me in a while, so I figured I'd check in with a little coolTLC! Dude, I've been chillin by the pool all summer with my 32 kids. Check em out! Yeah, I taught them to scuba dive, but they can hold their breath for so long, why bother? Ha! Just like their dad, right? Right? Yup, I've got a huge 700 foot deep pool with alligators in it. Don't worry, bro. Totally safe. I trained them. We chase them around the yard and yell GOT YOU when we catch them. We never kill an alligator cuz that's not cool, yo... sad face, anyways what are you up to? (don't care) The pool is so awesome and is on the side of a waterfall, like it's veritcal and you have to dive in from the side and swim sideways to get to the bottom, which is on the other side.

 

So, you probably want to stop by and visit when I'm not super busy which is never because I run the marathons at night now, and there's always a sunrise somewhere on the planet, and rainbows never sleep, so bust me out with a phone call. We're grovin on lots of coolTLC here, and making short work of some ten pound hamburgers made from Bison. Guess that makes them Bison burgers, right? Right? Can't get that in your stores. Only here, you dumbass. So, whether it's gorse racing, or mangling a giant pinata on my kids' many many birthdays, or even sailing round the world in a super yacht I build myself, I'd love for you to come hang out with me and watch. I could use the applause after a hard day of running the global empire, ha!

 

l8trz, freak!

 

Cool Guy

Useless Alcoholism Test

Ever wonder if you're an alcoholic? Take this quiz and find out! Just answer yes or no to each question, count the number of yes answers and no answers, then compare your totals to the reasoning ladder at the end of the quiz. Let's go!

 

Do you drink alcohol every day?

 

Do you drink alcohol only at night?

 

Do you drink alcohol in the bathroom?

 

In a public bathroom?

 

Do you drink alcohol from a Jamaican pay toilet?

 

Do have more than one drink a night?

 

Do you have more than one drink every morning?

 

Do you have more than one drink an hour?

 

Do you have more than one drink per drink?

 

Do you drink alone?

 

Do you drink alone under a bridge?

 

Do you drink with other people over the phone?

 

Do you drink with other people even when they're not there?

 

Do you drink with your furniture and pretend it is people?

 

Do you hide drinks?

 

Do you hide drinks with other people?

 

Do you hide drinks with other people and call it a special easter keg hunt?

 

Do you hide drinks under a bridge?

 

Do you hide drinks in your tummy?

 

Is your tummy drunk right now?

 

Are you drunk right now?

 

Are you other people right now?

 

Do you get angry when you drink?

 

Do you get angry with other people when you drink?

 

Do you drink to get angry?

 

Do you drink when your sad?

 

Do you drink to forget about your cat?

 

Do you drink to get drunk?

 

Do you drink to get your cat drunk?

 

Do you wish you could stop drinking?

 

Do you wish you could never stop drinking?

 

Do you wish your wife was a steam ship filled with Jack Daniel's shots? Toot toot?

 

Are you a steamship filled with Jack Daniel's shots?

 

Do you drink to get your wife?

 

Can yerreeddis?

 

Hosabout dat?

 

Lok ya freaking monkey, you hear what I'm saying?

 

Do you drink to relax?

 

Do you relax when you drink?

 

Do you listen to RELAX when you drink?

 

Do you relapse when you drink?

 

Do you drink to quit doing blow?

 

Do you drink at the behest of the Queen?

 

Do you hide the Queen's drinks?

 

Have you ever blacked out?

 

Have you ever blacked out in Queens?

 

Have you ever given the Queen a black eye over a polite nip of gin?

 

Do you yell at your glass for being to small?

 

Is your fridge full of beer, wine, liquor or grain?

 

Does your fridge always run out of beer, wine, liquor or grain?

 

Does your fridge always run out on you when you punch it because you're shitfaced and it fucked with you for the last time?

 

Has the Queen even suggested you quit drinking?

 

Has the bridge ever suggested you quit drinking?

 

Did you sell your cat for a drink and then regret it?

 

Did you put your cat in the fridge because you thought it was beer, wine, liquor or grain?

 

Do you drink alcohol through a straw?

 

 

 

If you ansered yes to 17 or more of these questions, you're drunk right now.

If you answered yes to less than 17 but more than 10, you're just buzzed.

If you answered yes to less than ten but more than 5, you're not a drunk.

If you answered less than 5, VIRGIN!

If you answered brrrshnebin!, go to bed and sleep it off.

If you can't remember what you're doing, wrong quiz. You want the pot quiz down the hall.

Totally Useless Anatomy

Choccy Starfish:

OMG LOL WTF = Useless Brainwashing Canasta Game

I'll tell you the rules.

1. Get Canasta software off of the back of a truck down at the docks.
2. Remove skin from fingertips to prevent prints from showing up.
3. Locate hefty bag and 5 big rocks.
4. Find a loafer and ask him if he's got a cigarette.
5. Scream 'CANASTA MUTHAFUKKA!' and swing loaded heafty bag at his knees.
6. Show him the software box.
7. Beg him to admit defeat.
8. If he doesn't admit defeat, swing loaded heafty bag at his hip.
9. If he does admit defeat, scream 'NO ONE QUITS CANASTA MUTHAFUKKA!!! NASTA 4 LIFE!' Swing heafty bag at his head until he's on the ground.
10. Mount him.
11. Whipser 'yeah yeah, i beat yo ass at canasta yeah yeah'
12. Hail taxi. Go home.
13. Stiff taxi driver.

How cool are you now?

I See Your Stinger and Raise You a Josh

no that's nor really him but it might as well be...

Walrus Raped By Boy (Patially), Bucket Stolen

The bucket used by Henny Wrongman and lent to his pal A. Walrus, has been stolen. Police suspect a little boy took it. It's totally true. The boy is also wanted for raping A. Walrus (partially) and interstate rocket trafficing.

The boy is unarmed and very friendly. Please contact McDonalds for your $1.00 off coupon if you find him.

The Wrongman's Fix It Guide: Section 223, Chapter 12, Paragraph 6

Need a special blend of grass patch for your lawn? First off I eat a whole watermelon. Then, I wait a few hours until I'm ready to shit. After that, I drop my seedy dump in an orange Home Depot bucket and then I fish my hand around in there for a while. Then, I slap my neighbor in the face. End of fucking story.

Tom Hanks Creates Online Universe Featuring Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks, the prolific writer, director, movie star and virgin has announced a new Multiplayer Online Universe in which every character is Tom Hanks. Newsboys got the exclusive scoop on the BIG development (that was a movie he was in, BIG, get it?), and Mr. Hanks agreed to sit down and do an interview with our Jack Jackjackjackson Yongpint

JJY: So, Mr. Hanks, what is the name of your new game?

TH: I call it Tom Hanks.

JJY: And in it, everyone gets a chance to play Tom Hanks?

TH: That's right, Jack. Everyone gets to be me!

JJY: So, who do they interact with online?

TH: Each other. And sometimes I pop on to make it a better places. Ha ha.

JJY: So... they're all on at the same time... interacting as if they were you.

TH: Yeah, pretty much. The idea came to me while I was looking in a mirror and having a conversation with myself. I thought, 'Hey, this is fun. Everybody should be able to be me and talk to me.' Then the lawyers got a hold of it and it was a big mess, so we backed this dump truck up to their office and poured pure liquid shit on their building. It was great.

JJY: Can players do that in the game?

TH: No. Not really.

JJY: What exactly can they do?

TH: Well... they walk around and talk to each other.

JJY: As you.

TH: Yup.

JJY: Are their any challenges or enemies in the game?

TH: None that can't be easily overcome. That's the beauty of being me in the game. You don't have any real enemies and you roll right over any obstacles.

JJY: So, what can players do?

TH: Anything they want. But mostly it's an opportunity for them to walk around and congratulate each other on what a great game they made as me. They didn't really make the game, but playing me as a character, we invite them to pretend they do.

JJY: They pretend they're you and congratulate each other?

TH: It's roleplaying.

JJY: What about women?

TH: They're great.

JJY: No, in the game. Can they be you?

TH: ... no. No. They... they're women.

JJY: So what do they do in game?

TH: Um. Well, I never thought they'd be that independent. Do they use computers?

JJY: Some of them do, yes.

TH: Well, I didn't bother to put gender restrictions in the game. I didn't think it would be an issue. I mean, they could play the game as me, but they say such asinine things! You'd know it was a woman! Wouldn't they rather sew?

JJY: I suppose...

TH: Well, if the moderators find any, they'll boot them and ban them. They can do that, you know.

JJY: Are the moderators Tom Hanks in the game as well?

TH: Yes. Suped up versions of me. Closer to the real thing, with the power to make or break you. So be nice to them kids. Ha ha.

JJY: Any plans for an expansion to the game?

TH: Yeah, us, we plan on doing one a year. Like a moon landing one, a deserted island one, a World War II one...

JJY: So, one for all of your movies?

TH: Movies?!?!

JJY: Yes, like Apollo 13 and...

TH: Listen you charlatan. If you doubt the fact of my life story, you'd better be ready to face the consequences. I know people. Jews and Oily Arabs with political connections, and this guy with an Uzi 9mm. I can lock you in a room and throw away the room, get it? You are there to smile and blow me. So shut up and... hey! Get back here! I'll rape your family! You sonofabith!

Newboys ended the interview early in order to play Tom Hanks. Now available in stores.

DoItAll Bob Ganked My Ditch Witch for $200.00

True Story!

Fuck My Heroin!

Today's Useless Crawfish

Today's Useless Job Posting

JOB: Entertaining Professor Handsome Von Awesome
TIME: 15-20 hours
CATEGORY: Charity Work
DATE: 7/13/2005

This man has it all and he wants to show it all to you. The Cars. THE house. A beach. A secret lookout. A HeliJetRotorBoat. All we ask is that you come over and let him talk while you all enjoy his liquor. Some experience required. Must be entertaining with some limited bullshit-stories. Working knowledge of baseball cards, trophies, scuba diving and being especially frugal a must. Please watch Jaws (1975) in advance of any telephone or live interviews.

Today's Useless Animation