Totally Useless Message From Cool Guy

Another guest writer via email has sent me an article for you turds:

 

"Yo! Wuzzup killer? I know you haven't heard from me in a while, so I figured I'd check in with a little coolTLC! Dude, I've been chillin by the pool all summer with my 32 kids. Check em out! Yeah, I taught them to scuba dive, but they can hold their breath for so long, why bother? Ha! Just like their dad, right? Right? Yup, I've got a huge 700 foot deep pool with alligators in it. Don't worry, bro. Totally safe. I trained them. We chase them around the yard and yell GOT YOU when we catch them. We never kill an alligator cuz that's not cool, yo... sad face, anyways what are you up to? (don't care) The pool is so awesome and is on the side of a waterfall, like it's veritcal and you have to dive in from the side and swim sideways to get to the bottom, which is on the other side.

 

So, you probably want to stop by and visit when I'm not super busy which is never because I run the marathons at night now, and there's always a sunrise somewhere on the planet, and rainbows never sleep, so bust me out with a phone call. We're grovin on lots of coolTLC here, and making short work of some ten pound hamburgers made from Bison. Guess that makes them Bison burgers, right? Right? Can't get that in your stores. Only here, you dumbass. So, whether it's gorse racing, or mangling a giant pinata on my kids' many many birthdays, or even sailing round the world in a super yacht I build myself, I'd love for you to come hang out with me and watch. I could use the applause after a hard day of running the global empire, ha!

 

l8trz, freak!

 

Cool Guy