Tom Hanks Creates Online Universe Featuring Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks, the prolific writer, director, movie star and virgin has announced a new Multiplayer Online Universe in which every character is Tom Hanks. Newsboys got the exclusive scoop on the BIG development (that was a movie he was in, BIG, get it?), and Mr. Hanks agreed to sit down and do an interview with our Jack Jackjackjackson Yongpint

JJY: So, Mr. Hanks, what is the name of your new game?

TH: I call it Tom Hanks.

JJY: And in it, everyone gets a chance to play Tom Hanks?

TH: That's right, Jack. Everyone gets to be me!

JJY: So, who do they interact with online?

TH: Each other. And sometimes I pop on to make it a better places. Ha ha.

JJY: So... they're all on at the same time... interacting as if they were you.

TH: Yeah, pretty much. The idea came to me while I was looking in a mirror and having a conversation with myself. I thought, 'Hey, this is fun. Everybody should be able to be me and talk to me.' Then the lawyers got a hold of it and it was a big mess, so we backed this dump truck up to their office and poured pure liquid shit on their building. It was great.

JJY: Can players do that in the game?

TH: No. Not really.

JJY: What exactly can they do?

TH: Well... they walk around and talk to each other.

JJY: As you.

TH: Yup.

JJY: Are their any challenges or enemies in the game?

TH: None that can't be easily overcome. That's the beauty of being me in the game. You don't have any real enemies and you roll right over any obstacles.

JJY: So, what can players do?

TH: Anything they want. But mostly it's an opportunity for them to walk around and congratulate each other on what a great game they made as me. They didn't really make the game, but playing me as a character, we invite them to pretend they do.

JJY: They pretend they're you and congratulate each other?

TH: It's roleplaying.

JJY: What about women?

TH: They're great.

JJY: No, in the game. Can they be you?

TH: ... no. No. They... they're women.

JJY: So what do they do in game?

TH: Um. Well, I never thought they'd be that independent. Do they use computers?

JJY: Some of them do, yes.

TH: Well, I didn't bother to put gender restrictions in the game. I didn't think it would be an issue. I mean, they could play the game as me, but they say such asinine things! You'd know it was a woman! Wouldn't they rather sew?

JJY: I suppose...

TH: Well, if the moderators find any, they'll boot them and ban them. They can do that, you know.

JJY: Are the moderators Tom Hanks in the game as well?

TH: Yes. Suped up versions of me. Closer to the real thing, with the power to make or break you. So be nice to them kids. Ha ha.

JJY: Any plans for an expansion to the game?

TH: Yeah, us, we plan on doing one a year. Like a moon landing one, a deserted island one, a World War II one...

JJY: So, one for all of your movies?

TH: Movies?!?!

JJY: Yes, like Apollo 13 and...

TH: Listen you charlatan. If you doubt the fact of my life story, you'd better be ready to face the consequences. I know people. Jews and Oily Arabs with political connections, and this guy with an Uzi 9mm. I can lock you in a room and throw away the room, get it? You are there to smile and blow me. So shut up and... hey! Get back here! I'll rape your family! You sonofabith!

Newboys ended the interview early in order to play Tom Hanks. Now available in stores.