10 Useless Things I did while waiting for Big Lots to open

1. Learn something new about my Summer Escapes 16' inflatable fucking swimming pool.
   
2. Bullshit my children into believing Mt. St. Helens is two miles down the road and ready to erupt again.
   
3. Tell my insane Vietnam neighbor known as "Stinger" that I know he is mad at me and he can blame me all day long but we're still going to drink a 30 pack of Coors Light by 3:00 PM.
4. Instruct everyone who reads this blog to send an email to glenn@noonancreative.com with a subject line that reads "This isn't Russia" and a message that reads "Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois, and I want them now. Chop chop." Then, totally ignore any replies you get.
5. Two words: news / porn.
6. Continue to debate the fact that Nickelodeon stole the name for Dora: The Explorer from the WWII German Battleship Bismarck. After all, everyone knows that her massive 15 inch gun turrets were named Anton, Bruno, Caesar, and DORA. HELLO!
7. With my busted foot, slowly walk around inspecting the back yard using my infamous field hockey stick known as "Striker" as a cane.
8. "Call Dr. Wakenbaken" and "see if he is available."
   
9. Whistle and then sing (really, really loud) "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again" over and over for a good 10 minutes or so.
   
10. I don't know... post some useless shit on this stupid blog?