There's A Startling Lack of Boar in My Pants

Recently, I conducted my annual body census and noticed something disturbing. The boar population in my pants has dropped to zero. While I knew that the population was in a bit of trouble last year due to the boar poachers from butt, I was unaware of the extent of the population decline. Sadly, there are no more boar roaming wild and free in my pants.

I have contacted many wildlife organizations to see what can be done to repopulate the missing pantsboar. Initially, these organizations are eager to help until they hear where I would like to relocate the boar to. They claim the idea is ludicrous. Well, if bringing the boar back to my pants in a folly, then call me the fool! I will have boar in my pants! great, steaming herds of boar, nustling and rooting my midsection! Ah, the feel or ramgading boar on the tundra of the legs....

No. I will not be thwarted! Return the boar to my pants! help me Citizen Kane, help me! Annie Duke wins tournaments! I weeble and I wobble. To and fro! BOAR! The pain. The holy Christy nail-in-the-foot-pain!