Grabba Wen Grabber

Once again...

10 Useless Things I did while waiting for Big Lots to open

1. Learn something new about my Summer Escapes 16' inflatable fucking swimming pool.
   
2. Bullshit my children into believing Mt. St. Helens is two miles down the road and ready to erupt again.
   
3. Tell my insane Vietnam neighbor known as "Stinger" that I know he is mad at me and he can blame me all day long but we're still going to drink a 30 pack of Coors Light by 3:00 PM.
4. Instruct everyone who reads this blog to send an email to glenn@noonancreative.com with a subject line that reads "This isn't Russia" and a message that reads "Oh Porterhouse, look at the wax build up on these shoes I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois, and I want them now. Chop chop." Then, totally ignore any replies you get.
5. Two words: news / porn.
6. Continue to debate the fact that Nickelodeon stole the name for Dora: The Explorer from the WWII German Battleship Bismarck. After all, everyone knows that her massive 15 inch gun turrets were named Anton, Bruno, Caesar, and DORA. HELLO!
7. With my busted foot, slowly walk around inspecting the back yard using my infamous field hockey stick known as "Striker" as a cane.
8. "Call Dr. Wakenbaken" and "see if he is available."
   
9. Whistle and then sing (really, really loud) "When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again" over and over for a good 10 minutes or so.
   
10. I don't know... post some useless shit on this stupid blog?
    

Today's Useless Animation

An Eulogy for Gary Coleman

Little Brother,

You made me laugh when I was smaller than you.

Then, Strokes got kinda lame.

Then, Webster ripped off your gag.

Your costars got AIDS and went to jail.

Your real mom and dad were not white.

Now, I will TiVo your lame ass show,

And hope I get that one

Where the fat chick falls in love with you,

And you dis her.

You were hardcore, little man.

In heaven, they will welcome you

With one of those mini-cars

That go fast.

Or they will give you a tall body,

Or something.

Now you can reach anything you want, baby.

Captain Flak's Last Party

The Cliche Post

This post will be slammed from the get go. I'm just saying. Have fun with that. Like I care. I am so over it. I mean, who does that? How's that working out for you?Yes, it's like ending statements with a question mark? So 2005. This could be the most compelling post on the internet. It's full of win. It's awesomesauce. It's got tons of apps and more 5G coverage that any other post. It does more. And, in this post I start verbing nouns. You saw what I did there!

 

In a perfect world, this post would improve performance, generate buzz, help you party like a rockstar, and get your groove on. Instead, it leaves you feeling tired, run down and no longer interested in the things you used to love. The changing economy, universal health care and oil spills are nothing compared to you finally acheiving the lifestyle you want to live right in your own home. The debate rages from Capital Hill, in town hall meetings, grassroots organizations and Tea party rallies. Whether you're a Diva keeping it real, a fashionista at Fashion Week in the Hamptons, or just trying to get a little Same Sex Marriage, the people have spoken and it's time for change.

 

The votes are in, the critics rave and 4 out of 5 experts agree, this post is da bomb. *fist bump explosion* It's on. Here we go. Let's get it started. Let's do this.

 

Nope. Not gonna happen. Whatever. Just nevermind. We're done. Goodbye. Forget it. /ignore

The Secret of LOST REVEALED!!!

"Jacob is a poo-poo head."

Today's Useless Historical Fact

The smoking room on board the ill fated Hindenburg, seemingly dangerous in an airship filled with hydrogen, was kept under positive pressure to prevent any of the gas from entering.

A single electric lighter was provided to light your pipe, cigar or cigarette.

Another Peome by Jar Jar Binks

Immagints

Yousa see what a goin on round here?
Lotsa folks dey not look like Gungans fo sure!
Wheresa deesa people come from?
Deysa stoopid Naboo!

Meesa no like da Naboo,
Deysa lazy lazy
And take meesa job!
Howsa lazy Naboo no wanna work
But take meesa job?

Deysa work for da penis washin and weedy stink weed.
Deysa no needa money, deysa just get a drink on instead.
Deysa worsa den dem fucking Mexicans.
Even deysa hookers got no teeth!
Dey worthless!

I see a Naboo I cross da street!
Deysa kooky music driva meesa nuts.
Like dem coke heads from Brazil!
Meesa shoot deysa kids in dey butts!

But deysa make a dammy tastie taste o food, yeesa!
Let dem work in da kitchen and sleep on da roof.
Keep dem in a tiny room wit dey on poop.
If dey fuck up, hang dem onna noose!

I hope deysa get a crotch disease
An spread it to their whole family
Those disgusting incestous pigs!

More Totally Useless Bumper Stickers

• Honk if you fucked Tiger Woods
• Faisal Shahzad was not my Facebook friend
• I love that little yellow taint.
• Believe in Applebees
• Vote Cranky McShankers in 2012
• Lick my life
• I slam to a halt for pants boars
• Mr. Paradise’s Sump Pumps really pump my sump
• Stop texting and blow him already, would you?
• Tweet that twat baby
• Illegal Immigrants Clean It Better
  
• Beef: it's what your wife should be cooking
  
• Prayer. That shit works!

Today's Useless Animation

Ten Totally Useless News Stories

1. Olive Oil Rig Explosion in the Mediterranean Sea
   
2. Category 5 Whorenado strikes Kansas City
3. Ecoterrorists attack local Benjamin Moore Paint Store
4. Betty White sells sequin blouses on HLN
5. President Obama hosts historic peace summit between Ronald McDonald and Chuck E. Cheese
6. Bret Michaels suffers massive headband hemorrhage
7. Philly cop intentionally Tazers his own balls
8. Something happens in the British government
   
9. Arizona passes law that requires prison guards to ask inmates "who wants a mustache ride?"
10. 100 feared dead in every day Libya

There's A Startling Lack of Boar in My Pants

Recently, I conducted my annual body census and noticed something disturbing. The boar population in my pants has dropped to zero. While I knew that the population was in a bit of trouble last year due to the boar poachers from butt, I was unaware of the extent of the population decline. Sadly, there are no more boar roaming wild and free in my pants.

I have contacted many wildlife organizations to see what can be done to repopulate the missing pantsboar. Initially, these organizations are eager to help until they hear where I would like to relocate the boar to. They claim the idea is ludicrous. Well, if bringing the boar back to my pants in a folly, then call me the fool! I will have boar in my pants! great, steaming herds of boar, nustling and rooting my midsection! Ah, the feel or ramgading boar on the tundra of the legs....

No. I will not be thwarted! Return the boar to my pants! help me Citizen Kane, help me! Annie Duke wins tournaments! I weeble and I wobble. To and fro! BOAR! The pain. The holy Christy nail-in-the-foot-pain!

Today's Useless MAN-GIRL

Next step to stop oil: Throw garbage at it. I mean, hey, why not, right?

Venice, Louisiana -- If using a massive dome to cover the source of the oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico doesn't work, crews are preparing for another option: clogging it.

Engineers are examining whether they can close a failed blowout preventer by stuffing it with trash, said Adm. Thad Allen, the commandant of the Coast Guard. The 48-foot-tall, 450-ton device sits atop the well at the heart of the Gulf oil spill and is designed to stop leaks, but it has not been working properly since the oil rig Deepwater Horizon exploded April 20 and later sank.

"The next tactic is going to be something they call a junk shot," Allen told CBS's "Face the Nation" on Sunday. "They'll take a bunch of debris -- shredded up tires, golf balls and things like that -- and under very high pressure, shoot it into the preventer itself and see if they can clog it up and stop the leak. Because, you know, that's sounds like a good idea. Right? Right?"

What other tactics is BP is considering to plug the oil leak?

• Ignoring it. Ignoring it. IG-NOR-ING IT.
  
• Asking the government to call up Donald Rumsfeld and tell him WED's (weapons of environmental destruction) have reportedly been found in the Gulf of Mexico.
  
• Activating the TOM HANKS Signal!
• Letting a bunch of hippies protest outside the US Capitol building. That's usually productive AND helpful.
• After Optimus Prime defeats Megatron AGAIN they are going to drop his giant metal carcass on the broken well head and hope that plugs it up.
• Two words: SUPER GLUE.
  
• Another two words: GAY PARADE. (wait, what?)
  
• Having Virgil "Bud" Brigman ask his "new friends" to help out.
  
• My crazy Vietnam Vet neighbor "Stinger" said that if they had just let him, his boat, a case of Coors Light and 10,000 bags of hydraulic cement handle it, this whole thing would have been over before it ever started.
• Ask yourself: is there anything that tequila shots and a loaded 44 magnum CAN'T solve?
• Prayer. That shit works!

Famous Movie Quotes (Gay)

"I declare him from this day forth, to be......... an OUTLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"




KAweeeeeeeer!

Today's Useless Animation

Totally Useless Conversations overheard in Marblehead

GP: No one knows Sump Pumps better than me.
JG: WHAT??! THAT'S BULLSHIT! I CAN PUMP OUT A COMBINED-
GP: I was, of course, pretending to be you.

Later...

GP: I don't know... should we?
JG: What are you worried about "Dad" finding out? I mean, how fucking old are you?
GP: Well, it's not that so much that as I was thinking about-
JG: DAD! DAD! HOLY SHIT! LOOK AT US! WE'RE DOING SOMETHING BAD!
GP: That's... not... your father.

Soon after that...

JG: I'll take "flawless life" for 500.

Later still...

TG: What's the matter? You don't like it when people wave guns around? You mean like this? Oooo!! Oooo!

And finally...

JG: Jesus Christ, Michael, what's next? Are we going to go for a ride in your balloon-slash-casino?

Fun Islamic Names

Name the next terrorist!












It's easy.
Just throw some bullshit together!
Like these new names:

- Nissan Otto
- Fizzle Shazzam
- Waquon Wimman
- Nassal Allah-Jeez-a-Bad
- Mamoudmart Quoopan
- Allack Al Ahchoo
- Bippity Tong Twin Tong Fuck Muhhamed
- Jesus El Wiini
- Habib Hop a Hippity Hop
- acshdsjfheucnegngnh
- Masta An Sarvant
- Me Killem White Man
- Ho Chi Mihn
- Iyam Abad Pilot

Fun. Fun with Islam names. Fun racial profiling fun at the expense of people.

Enjoy it before the kill us all with Playschool Clock Bombs.

Today's Useless WTF

Alaska still struggling after Exxon spill

Cordova, Alaska (NEWSBOYS) -- For third-generation fisherman John Platt, the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill is a financial and psychological nightmare that won't end.

Three years after the 11 million-gallon spill in Prince William Sound blackened 1,500 miles of Alaska coastline, the herring on which he and other Cordova fishermen heavily relied disappeared from the area. Platt and some others stuck around, fishing for salmon and hoping things would improve.

The herring never returned to Cordova. Platt's income plummeted, severely straining his marriage and psyche. He dipped into his sons' college funds to support his family.

"People's lives were ruined," Platt said. "There were damn good fishermen here in the Sound, and they just said, 'Screw it' and left, and tried to make a living elsewhere."

What else has Alaska struggled with?

• That asshole Wolverine. OH, LIKE WE DON'T KNOW YOU'RE A MUTANT.
• Well, you could pretty much write an identical article about Sarah Fucking Palin and her whole redneck crew.
• Most residents were only told Alaska had become a state in 1998. That was actually the tagline of then governor Tony Knowles. "Become A State in '98." They all believed it. AGAIN.
• Too many trees. Not enough "bull-dykes."
  
• How about the fact that ANWR sounds like some horrible strain of rotavirus?
• It's so fucking cold up there that they blame heat waves on their lakes and not, you know, THE SUN.
• They only got FIOS last week.
• In McGrath, they are STILL paying nine fucking dollars for a gallon of gas. I mean, it's worse than Massachusetts. That's humiliating.
• Charles Widmore showed up on the beaches of Kodiak and started setting up electro-magnetic emission generating towers. AND JUST WHERE THE FUCK IS JACK!?!?
  
• Two Iditarod mushers tested positive for drugs. No, seriously. Two Iditarod mushers tested positive for drugs.

MS Paint Mo

MS Paint Gordy

Today's Useless Masonic Conspiracy

IT'S THE FUCKING FREEMASONS, MAN!

Useless Things You Can Do if you spot a terrorist!

• Start screaming "HE'S RAPING MY AMERICA!" over and over. Let's face it. Simply yelling FIRE, BOMB or HELP is not going to work because we're all selfish assholes. Especially you, Glenn.
  
• Call Domino's Pizza and have 50 meat lovers pies delivered to the terrorist's house. That'll show 'em!
• Force him to watch every Ben Affleck movie ever made. It might take a few sessions but he'll become one of us soon enough.
• Fax, mail or email him 10,000 pages of information on Women's Rights and the US Suffrage Movement during the 19th and 20th century. He'll be so horrified that he'll forget all about his terror plot and run home like a screaming idiot.
  
• Ask the President to invite the terrorist to the White House for beers. It worked once. It'll work again.
  
• Take the terrorist out on a nice dinner date and then never call him back.
• Drop a four-story containment dome on his head. Oh, wait, scratch that. BP already took that idea.
  
• Sell his hopes and dreams on eBay for $1.25.
• Have him put in a cell with Ted Kaczynski. That crazy fuckbomber's know it all attitude will make anyone want to cut their own head off.
• Get him a job working as a consumer telemarketer. He will be begging for freedom and forgiveness within 25 dials.
  
• Call a redneck. Problem solved.

Ten Useless Places that no one wants to go.

1. Penisgate Village, Indianapolis, IN
   
2. Sticky Fuckwads House of Circlejerks, Las Vegas, NV
3. The Gall Bladder, Providence, RI
4. Mig Honcho's Russian Ribs, Omaha, NB
5. Christapalooza, Altoona, PA
   
6. North Korea
7. Franks Fine Shrubbery & Bowling Pins, Fargo, ND
   
8. Pigs Feet & Feet Pigs, Baltimore, MD
9. Ed Gein's Horror Hockey Shop, Plainfield, WI
10. Dr. Snarks Depot of Depositions, Westport, MA

All American Apple Pie Recipe

Everyone loves pie. Except communists. Here's a quick and easy apple pie recipe. It's so easy, even a heroin addict can make it!

1. Locate orchard.

2. Drive past orchard.

3. Sniff for pie baking.

4. Don black fatigues.

5. Track pie.

6. Setlle into horse stance.

7. Surprise unsespecting Grandma.

8. AXE KICK

9. AXE KICK

10. AXE KICK

11. Relax.

12. AXE KICK

13. AXE KICK

14. Take pie.

If you don't have time for all that, here's a quick version you can do in your Radar Range:

1. Enter bakery.

2. Deflect suspicions with banter.

3. AXE KICK

4. BACKHAND BACKHAND

5. UPPERCUT CLENCH KNEE KNEE RELEASE

6. Take pie.

7. AXE KICK

For even quicker results, try this recipe.

1. Call Mom

2. Demand pie.

You can always AXE KICK to taste later.

Thank you, and remember to clean those rubber before reusing.

Today's Useless Animation

More Totally Useless Nicknames

• Lil Curbs
• Breezy Pops
  
• Slinkydick
  
• Felts Meanie
• Wikifuckstickia
  
• Ol' Chainey Clocks
• Nasdaq
  
• The Herm
• Master Cubbywinks
• Wotpwr
  
• Baron Shuster Von Preppyhair
• Alien
• The Eggmaker
• Jewbee Cathohol
• That's Frank
• Spectitualr Spectacular
• Trouser Chap
  
• Dr. Beamer
• The Shittybomber
• Broken Bob
  

Jokes About Women

In the interest of being fair and politically correct, here are a bunch of jokes about bitches.

 

- What's the difference between a woman and a toaster? The toaster actually makes toast for you.

 

- Why do women wear bras? Because fancy shoes don't fit on tits.

 

- If a woman falls in the woods, and no one hears her, does she make a sound? Yes. Always.

 

- How can you tell what a woman is thinking? If you loved her, you'd know by now.

 

- Why do women have gay friends? Because straight guys tell them to shut up.

 

- How many women can you fit in a clown car? You still didn't take out the trash!

 

- Why do women love shopping? Because they're shallow, materialistic whores.

 

- How can you ruin a woman's reputation? Send her friends out for drinks without her.

 

- Did you hear about the woman superhero? She's a bitch, too.

 

- Why do women worry about their weight? Because nobody likes a fat whore.

 

- A priest, a rabbi and a woman walk into a bar. They have to leave five minutes later because the woman keeps complaining.

 

- What type of crackers do women like? The kind that have credit cards.

 

- Why are women so weak? If they were strong, they'd kill everyone.

 

- Why did God make women? Oh no. No one made women. They pulled that rib out and created themselves you chauvinist!

 

- What's better than a blowjob? A woman with no voice.

 

- How do women get stains out? SHOUT!

 

The end.

Today's Useless "Are You Fucking Kidding Me?" Moment

Nice fucking clock,
Dr. Von Fagbombs.