Palpatine Says

Oh, I'm afraid the dinky winky doodle thingy will be quite operational when your friends arrive....

The Greatest Fatality

Today's Useless Guess Who Game

Who is this curious character?

• Dr. Smirnoff Von Rocksalot
• Steve the foreign guy's cousin
  
• Apparently, someone who still uses manilla folders.
• Colonel Eduardo LaFiesta of the Choco Taco Revolution
• Professor Foster-Foster
• The New and Improved Jimmy Hoffa
• All of the above.
  

Today's Useless Animation

Today in Totally Useless News

Michelangelo hid brain image in chapel, scientists say
That's a truck load of buffalo shit, priests say

Some of Michelangelo's best known works may bear hidden messages suggesting that the human brain is among God's greatest creations, scientists say.

The great Italian Renaissance artist dissected cadavers to familiarize himself with the human body, so he could better paint it. And, according to a new analysis, he included a representation of the brainstem in his representation of God on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, which he painted from 1508 to 1512.

Neurosurgeons Dr. Rafael Tamargo and Ian Suk of Johns Hopkins University looked closely at Michelangelo's painting "Separation of Light From Darkness," which depicts the beginning of the universe.

They found that the neck of God in this painting appears to contain the human brainstem.

What else did Michelangelo hide in his paintings?

• The Cock of Zeus
• Amenhotep's four toed left foot
• Cleopatra's Palm Frond Tampon
• Odin's Eyeball
• Tengri's Tiny Titties
  
• Randall Flagg's Hand of God
• Nammu's Nipples
• The Holy Nose Pickings of Allah
  
• Buddha's Body Fat
• Thor's mighty testicles
• Jesus Christ's Jingle Sack
• The Incredible Ass of Apollo
  
• Fūjin's Funky Flatulence
  

Things to do in Walmart

If you ever have to go to Walmart, and you decide to act like a complete fucking freak monkey, here are some confusing tactics:

• Ask every single sales associate where you can find the blue light specials.
  
• Start yelling "IMMAGINTS ARE STEALING MY JOBS!"
• Take a shit in the toilet displays. Read a People Magazine while doing it.
  
• Find a middle aged, overweight woman, smack her on the ass and say (in a drunken like voice) "I'd tap that ass."
• Marvel at all the plumbing parts while exclaiming "I had no idears that y'all had this in yer homes."
• Get a bike pump, inflate 15 inner tubes and try to hula-hoop them all at once.
  
• Insist that you be allowed to try on clothes inside one of the tents on display. When they refuse, tell them that you're allowed to do it at Target.
• Fertilize the automotive aisle. Use Scott's Turf Builder + Weed Control for best results.
• Put on a dress. Ride a girls bike.
• Ask the sales associate in computers "how much does the softwares for the internets cost?"
  
• Go through the same checkout aisle at least 10 times in a row and keep buying the same pack of gum over and over. Act each time like you made it out to your car and realized you forgot to buy a pack of gum.
  
• Smoke a butt, buy some diapers.
  
• Ask if you can put your kids on layaway. Insist you'll be back to pick them up in two weeks.
  
• Microwave a swimsuit for 15 seconds and then put it on. I would suggest you let out a nice long and loud sigh as you slip into the suit.
  
• Ask over and over where they keep the adult sized Underoos. Start throwing a tantrum.
  
• Go to customer service and complain about the Republicans.
• Run really fast around the store quoting out lines from Star Wars out loud. Stick to lines from the Battle of Yavin. "I can't shake 'em!"
• Light a tiki torch and carry a pitch fork. When you see someone of a different ethnicity, look at them, scowl and say "get a rope."
• Ask where they keep the used ladies Birkenstocks.
  
• If someone says hello to you, simply reply with "Chicken Moon!"
  

Things To Do In Court

If you ever have to go to court, and you decide to waive your right to an attorney, here are some great legal strategies.

 

- Begin all your statements with, "Ladies and Fags, if it please the fucking court..."

- Make sure all of your evidence is urine samples from various people and pets, in ziplock bags.

- Turn and look at the people in the courtroom whenever the judge is speaking. Show them the love with a thumbs up.

- Whenever the attorney for the prosecution speaks, do your Mars Attacks impersonation.

- Leave your fly open and be sure the Jury sees it. Then, say, "Oh... how'd that get open again?" and make sexy faces while you zip up.

- Great questions make great answers. Ask your witness about your boner.

- Insist that the other attorney is 'Beavering the Witness." When corrected, think and say, "Naw. Nope. He's Beavering, I'm sure of it. Fuck off."

- Ask to approach the bench. Look at the judge and say, "You've got this covered, right? I'm winning and you're getting to see more George Washingtons, right?"

- Enter Natalie Merchant's "These Are the Days" as evidence. Play it for the court and then explain, well, you just really like that song.

- Agree with the prosecutor, while he's making his points. Counter with, "Hell, even I'm buying this guy's rap."

- Use the 'Innocent or Y'all Fucking Die' defense. Repetition is the key.

- Jingle change in your pocket instead of asking the witness questions. Then point, sit down, and say you're done.

- Begin your closing argument by stating, very calmly but forcefully, "Pussy." Continue with unrelated legal stuff.

- Chest bump the prosecutor whenever he tries to sit back down.

- Say, "Judge not, lest ye be fat as the Judge yourself."

- Open your trial with the following reasoning, "Defending yourself is crazy, right? But think about it. I smell like fresh fish, I lip sync to Baby Mozart, and the Google knows about my monkey thing. Am I really gonna rape everyone unless killed first? No. Just the pretty ones, my dears. Just the pretty ones."

Today's Useless Video

Totally Useless Social Groups

• Jolly Woggs' Goop Gathering
• Beef Cake Patios
• Stinky Stinky Stinkdogs
  
• Popular Pseudo Popes
• Those Darn Meddling Kids
• Blueberry Jews
• Fuck Losers Focus Group
• The Elusive Scram Happenings
• Fireside Frankel Freaks
• Peace Loving Obamacons
• Cockmasters Local 102
  
• Sweet Transylvanian Transsexuals
• Fancytown Freemasons
• Chocolate Christian Earthy Crunchies
  

Useless Reality TV Star

What will we be forced to watch Bethenny Frankel star in next?

- Lonely Jew Apartment
- The Real Housewives of the Mental Ward
- Stanknasty Hobo Fuckmas Eve
- Lizard Face: The Frankel Files
- Bethenny Uncocked
- Top Chef Anorexia!
- Bethenny Getting Donkeyed?
- LOST Was My Idea - Frankel's Truth
- Bankruptcy Court
- Nothing... because she's a no talent hack whore fame gobbling dick half breed abandoned-baby psychopathic greed-harpy nobody. SUCK IT!!!!!!!

Get off my fucking TV and take your lazy eye with you, bitch!

10 Useless Things you probably don't want to say to Rolling Stone Magazine

1. Joe Biden can kiss my black ass. GENERAL McCHRYSTAL OUT!
2. Our new album is entitled "don't piss in my shit and tell me I have diarrhea." And, no, I don't care if you've heard that one before.
   
3. Yes, I have experimented with trisexuality. But, what else was there to do in Bridgewater, Massachusetts in the mid-1990s?
4. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast. No, really. I eat shit. It's part of a new Hollywood dieting fad.
   
5. We cant stop here this is bat country.
6. Trust me when I say that sex is more exciting in an ironclad ship.
   
7. Fuck you Gulf Coast. We don't want to hear your whining about tar balls and oil slicks. I've got a couple of tar balls for you right here.
8. Let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?
9. I don't believe in charity. I believe in Coors Light.
10. President? That's not a President. (un-sheath large knife) THAT'S a President.

That New Apple Jacks Guys Creeps Me Out

Carbohydrates Destroy Cancer Cells

In a medical breakthrough, scientists have announced that carbohydrates from white bread and crackers kill cancer cells outright and cure every known type of the disease forever. This breakthrough came after studying a guy who thought he might have cancer and found out he didn't. Max Peephole of Watersports, Michigan went to his doctor this past Monday for his bi weekly cancer test.

 

"The cancer is just gone," he said, "Completely gone. I just ate a toast and cracker sandwich and the cancer went away." When asked if he had ever had cancer in the first place he said, "Hell no! I eat white bread and get my checkups! You think I'm a fucking dick?"

 

Dr. Leibnitz Givashits has treated Max for several years. "His lack of cancer has been astounding. I figured for sure he'd have it by now. What's taking so long?" he asked.

 

"Max east white bread and crackers," a medical expert from the zoo said. "Cancer free baby. It's the carbs, dude." Others are skeptical. Some idiot from Atkins, South Doctorsota, calls the results into question. "Just because one guy eats white bread and doesn't get cancer means nothing. It's not like I'm going to eat nothing but crackers and white bread for weeks on end because I have ass cancer. Or will I?"

 

Ass cancer spreads from the balls to the throat in a matter of seconds if not treated with refine white flour applied to the sqainum liberally with some oil and garlic. Maybe some red pepper. Max, on the other hand, never got ass cancer because he ate white bread all the fucking time. And he doesn't regret it.

 

"Hell, I love white bread and crackers and I hate cancer, so, what's to regret?" he said. We said syphilis, and he shut right the hell up. Told him.

 

Scientists caution that More research needs to be done before the We Killed Cancer parade scheduled to air on ABC later this evening. "Let's not have a complete bug eyed retard fit here. White bread and crackers, yum. But eat a few pickles for good measure too," AncerCay GayAway's spokesperson said. "You just might end up picking shit out of your molars if you get it in the ass."

Become White Trash

Totally Useless Benefits from an Oil Spill

Mmmm... free chocolate birds for everyone!

YEAH!

It's Time for Your Anteater

STOVEPIPES!

STOVEPIPE!

STOVEPIPE!

STOVEPIPE!

STOVEPIPE!

STOVEPIPE!

Life

Hit the Mellons!

How To Watch a Disney Movie

Many of you would like to watch a Disney movie with your friends, but for various fucked up reasons, you can't. Here's a surefire way to get everyone on board for a night of cartoon fun.

 

-Borrow large sedan

-Clean out trunk

-Drive to pharmacy

-Find Disney movie for 5 bucks

-Find NyQuil

-Slap clerk and threaten with death

-Leave without paying

-Go to friends's house

-Knock on door

-Force NyQuil into friend

-Wait

-Put friend in trunk

-Tie friend to chair in cellar

-Repeat for additional friends

-Get into princess costume

-Put in movie

-Slap firends awake

-Enjoy

 

If you're short on time, try this...

 

-Make fake bomb vest

-Get portable DVD player

-Got to Pharmacy

-Get DVD

-Enter Bank

-Demand movie night at bank

 

The quickie plan

-Fly to Florida

-Fuck Mickey

Today's Useless Advice

Bad times to use "that's what she said."

• Unfortunately, it's cancer and it's inoperable.
  
• I will not have my ship shot out from under my ass.*
  
• He's running for office again this year?
  
• I'm sorry, sir, but the cost is $25 for each checked bag.
  
• A tornado destroyed 14 homes in a suburban neighborhood today.
• Honey, I got the tires rotated and it only cost 20 bucks!
• In my opinion, nuclear power is safer than coal.
• The tradeshow is in Las Vegas this year.
  
• I'll start with the mozzarella sticks and then I'd like the Texas Burger, please.
  
• Apparently, they found a second plume of oil leaking underwater.
• We need to put down some pesticide on the lawn to combat all of those disgusting bugs.
• Allan, how does this lobster make you feel?
  

*Capt. Ernst Lindemann

Today's Useless Animation

Just Posted To AWESOME!

Black belt camp was awesome! i couldn't decide what my favorite part was, and i'm not gonna choose between Master Sharp, Mister Porco's morning run, or the inflatable obstacle course that everyone, regardless of age and rank, had to go through. let me tell you: nothing is more awesome than seeing the highest-ranking masters of the region charging through something like that! Can't wait for next year!

Pick Up Lines

Everyone loves hot chicks and guys, if you're into that thing, you know... anyways, the trick is finding something you say to break the ice and spread the splice. Here are a few suggested pickup lines from some dude living in a public bathroom:

 

"Hi, I'm Erik. Pants off now, please."

 

"Did you just come from the Lunar Lander, slutbag?"

 

"This may sound forward, but I just jizzed."

 

"You have beautiful eyes. If I was a serial killer, I'd tie you up, pluck those eyes out and keep them on my night table. Rrrrrrr. Rrrrrrrrrrr."

 

"I lost my dog. Can I pet your cat?"

 

"I dig chicks like you. Those plastic ones are too quiet."

 

"When you were a kid, did you suck off the neighbors for ice cream money? I did."

 

"I'm gonna go to work on you with my smooth act, zit-face."

 

"You know what they say... The naked chick gets the worm! As in, my dick!"

 

"Once all the fat girls are taken, you'll be the only one left that will fuck me. So, I'll just start hitting on you know to make you think I picked you on purpose."

 

"Oral or anal? Don't answer just yet. Make a clear, rational choice."

 

"You must be a porn star, cuz I saw your labia from across the room. Stretchy!"

 

"You can take the easy route and reject me up front, or be brave and see what's behind zipper number 3."

 

"You may think I'm ugly, but you're just one dark alley away from being Mrs. Ugly Guy."

 

"Hey. Betty. Put out."

 

"I can make you come by snapping my fingers... no wait, how's it go? Oh yeah. If I can make you come by... no, that's not it. You came when I snapped my fingers... aw, fuck it. I want pussy."

 

"Charlie over there said you're too ugly and stupid to blow me in the alley. I'm defending your honor by letting you prove him wrong."

 

"That's a tight shirt. My name is Steve."

 

"Excuse me miss? You dropped your standards. Guess that puts me in play."

 

"Is that a Hershey's Kiss in your shirt pocket, or a nipple boner?"

 

"I shot JFK. Now, tell me your dirty secret."

 

"The music is too loud in here. You're my new girlfriend."

 

"I smelled you from across the room. Potent."

 

"My car has a backseat, and you've got a vagina. See where I'm going with this?"

 

"I need your help. My mom bought me rubbers and I don't want to waste them."

 

"Hi! I just chased you across town and thought you might like to wash my laundry tomorrow."

 

"Nice make up. You must be all kinds of pimply under there."

 

"I'm a friend of your dads. He told me fifty buck oughta do it."

TUB Moments in TIME!

The year is 1931. The American Economy is stronger than ever. Kids are all doing a new dance called the Grouper. And the TUB celebrates its first year in business. Founder Glib Underwearfucker has a crazy idea to produce a semi- monthly publication called The Totally Useless Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Friend, co-founder and testicle surgeon Eddie "Fat Zipper" Ponce suggests replacing the Baaaaaaaaaaaaaa with Blurb. The two have a fist fight and weeks later, The Totally Useless BaaaaaBlurb is born.

 

It quickly fails.

 

World War II starts.

 

(stuff happens)

 

In 2004, Spacefarme1 (RIP 2010) begins a blog called The Totally Useless Blog. Later, he deletes the entire thing because Chris is an asshole. BUT, Capn' Flak Paperpants would not let this vision die. So, calling upon the forces of EVIL, he brings about a zombie version of the TUB in 2010. Riots begin in Thailand. Capn' Flak later went on to invent the time machine and died peacefully in Angola, 1977, with his wife BSSSSHHHHHHHNNNEBITZ, and and a homely old dog named Hiccup Whore.

 

(other members... boring boring)

 

Before the great Moon Apocalypse or 2017, Capn Flak and a reconstituted Spacefarmer1 made the follwing joint statement:

 

"That's fucking bullshit, man!"

 

In this world, how can we help but think.... fuckall, the may have been will be right?