Things To Do In Court

If you ever have to go to court, and you decide to waive your right to an attorney, here are some great legal strategies.

 

- Begin all your statements with, "Ladies and Fags, if it please the fucking court..."

- Make sure all of your evidence is urine samples from various people and pets, in ziplock bags.

- Turn and look at the people in the courtroom whenever the judge is speaking. Show them the love with a thumbs up.

- Whenever the attorney for the prosecution speaks, do your Mars Attacks impersonation.

- Leave your fly open and be sure the Jury sees it. Then, say, "Oh... how'd that get open again?" and make sexy faces while you zip up.

- Great questions make great answers. Ask your witness about your boner.

- Insist that the other attorney is 'Beavering the Witness." When corrected, think and say, "Naw. Nope. He's Beavering, I'm sure of it. Fuck off."

- Ask to approach the bench. Look at the judge and say, "You've got this covered, right? I'm winning and you're getting to see more George Washingtons, right?"

- Enter Natalie Merchant's "These Are the Days" as evidence. Play it for the court and then explain, well, you just really like that song.

- Agree with the prosecutor, while he's making his points. Counter with, "Hell, even I'm buying this guy's rap."

- Use the 'Innocent or Y'all Fucking Die' defense. Repetition is the key.

- Jingle change in your pocket instead of asking the witness questions. Then point, sit down, and say you're done.

- Begin your closing argument by stating, very calmly but forcefully, "Pussy." Continue with unrelated legal stuff.

- Chest bump the prosecutor whenever he tries to sit back down.

- Say, "Judge not, lest ye be fat as the Judge yourself."

- Open your trial with the following reasoning, "Defending yourself is crazy, right? But think about it. I smell like fresh fish, I lip sync to Baby Mozart, and the Google knows about my monkey thing. Am I really gonna rape everyone unless killed first? No. Just the pretty ones, my dears. Just the pretty ones."