OH NOES! MAH WATUMELLINS???

Green Goblin Says...

I'll get you yet, AIDS baby!

#occupystevejobsisjesus Begins

A new group of protesters has emerged from the #occupy flock. The strong correlation between Apple users who think Steve Jobs is a modern day messiah, a god incarnate have created the movement to #occupystevejobsisjesus.

What are they occupying? No one knows, including them. Some favor a 4square #occupy, where protesters go to a bunch of locations and post to all their social media about what they would do there if they were protesting. Others just want to sit somewhere warm and play Angry Tits, or whatever dumb app they bought with mommy's credit card.

Steve Jobs is (was, now dead dead dead fuck him) part of the 1%, but supporters of #occupystevejobsisjesus don't care. "He's my soulmate," said Kate Mulgrew, a college student on dope. "He's only part of the 1% demographically. It's not his fault he got rich feeding all those starving children with his iLunch app."

One group claimed to have seen Jobs this morning, walking on water and begging them to 'feel his cancer' as proof it was him. But most won't go that far. #occupystevejobsisjesus is about change. Changing everyone over from PCs and Android phones to Apple Products because, as one protester put it, "Everything but what we say sucks including things we might have said before that were wrong."

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11 Useless Things To Say To Your Kids

Every parent makes mistakes. That's why only non-parents like me, who are mistake free, should give parenting advice. First off, don't bother talking to your kids. It never helps anything. If you HAVE to say anything to them, make it as useless as possible. Like these:

 

1. I'll kill you in front of all these people.

 

2. Santa's not coming this year. Daddy is.

 

3. Oh. Cry, little baby, cryyyyy!

 

4. Wanna go watch the dock get smaller?

 

5. Everybody dies. Usually at night in a fire. WOOSH!

 

6. There's a monster under your bed? I'll tell you where the real monsters are.... the unemployemnet office, where Daddy goes to beg for his manhood every Thursday. Fucking liberal moneyhoarding CUNTS!

 

7. Does your face hurt? No? *slap* Now?

 

8. See, mommy tricked us both. That's why I killed her.

 

9. I burried all your toys in the back yard. I think I can hear one or two still screaming for help.

 

10. A boo boo... Really? A boo boo? Look at this boo boo daddy got in the WAR you hippie!

 

11. Now, we're right down the hall if you get scared. But we really don't want to help you if you do, because you're adopted.

Useless Office Policies

There are many ways to run an office. All of them are USELESS. Here are some Useless Policies:

 

1. Office Pope Election

2. All hands on Phil Protocol.

3. Handbook B: Skippy's Revenge.

4. Casual Home Saturday

5. Lottery Layoffs.

6. Mass Mail Threats.

7. No Number 5 Use Policy

8. Live Sharpie Forehead Caption Contest.

9. Stairwell Jumping.

10. Bring Your Horse to Work Day.

11. Birthday? Butt Day!

12. Allowz-a-Rape Icebreaker (Daily)

13. Bathroom Downtime Outages.

14. Company Family Lynching.

15. Avoid Darryl.

16. Copy Everything Over Week.

17. Temps Go To jail First.

18. White Girl Blues Kareoke Night.

19. Hate It? Flush It!

 

Implemented... stat.

Totally Useless Movie Plot Holes

1. In Schindler's List there is a scence of Germans eating dinner. Uh, yeah, like that happened.

2. The term defication is used 118 times in Driving Miss Daisy. People of that era used the polite euphamism 'Conking Brown Courts' to describe their bowel movements, not defication.

3. Titanic was shot in the wrong ocean and you can totally tell when they're drowning and it's all Pacific for miles.

4. In Saving Private Ryan there's a scene where Private Ryan is eating a Big Mac and telling everyone to buy Bic Macs and eat them. That's not saving him.

5. In Vanity od the Bonfiers, Willem Defoe is not in any scene at all. Come on. Seriously?

6. In Michael Moore's I Fuck Homeless Men for Pennies, half of the men live in a house.

7. In Sweeney Todd people are murdered. It's totally sick, you should rent it.

8. While filming Beat Street Hip Hop mogul Roger Starback threw 22 touchdowns to only 8 interceptions in the regular season.

Punk Ass Lunar Shit

What Ben Could Have Done

The Superbowl was yesterday. We at the TUB watched it, variously and alone, and we think the Steelies should have won. If Ben Rothlisberger had...

 

- Bought the football a few drinks.

- Had the Penn State Troopers protect him instead of his linemen.

- Escorted Jarrett Bush to the ladies room and raped him.

- Run faster from number five-o like he did in Georgia.

- Bet some hooker he was going to lose.

- Had sex with his sister AFTER the game.

- Not been a total douche of an abortion.

- Put more Jesus in his press conferences.

- Let Charlie Batch play instead of him.

- Leanred to make a pass instead of forcing it into tight holes.

- Leanred Karate (which means open hand in Japanese)

- Stuck to softcore and not gotten the AIDS.

- Taught that bitch a lesson by NOT giving her what she was asking for.

- Given less tongue to Hines Ward.

- Been Tom Brady.

 

In closing, he's a rapist and should be getting gang banged in prison.

More Useless Superheros

Ghost Arab
Perferated Sheild
Tammy Pax
The Googler
The Shiester!
Groan Pains
Evelyn Solar Wind
Egyptian Green Comando
The Last Grandma
Cement Face
Trickling Trickster
Fur Boat
Dragon Eel
Muslim Rummy
Group Hug

Hooray for Science!

Here is America's science fucking:
















SUCK A DICK FOR JESUS!

So, Hillary...

Tell us how you really feel about our Prisident....