What not to say during an airplane crash

• Looks like cutting those fuel lines wasn't such a good idea after all.
• Well, I guess it's OK for me to unhook my colostomy bag now.
  
• I'll always love you, Dick Cheney.
• Oh man! I bet Jack is still on the Island!
• Duckpants to Sock. Come in, Sock. Over.
• Can I get some more Ginger Ale, please?
  
• I hope this urine stain doesn't survive the crash.
• Ned? Ned Ryerson?
• So, this is what it felt like to be on Wall Street in 1929.
• (singing) Oh, they built the ship Titanic to sail the ocean blue.
• Dammit. I was SO close to having an orgasm.
  
• JIHAD! Nah. I'm just fuckin' with ya.
• We ain't landing in the Hudson this time, Sully!
• I'd fuck me.
  
• Does anyone smell waffles? I smell waffles.
• You know why they put oxygen masks on planes? Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It's all right here. Emergency water landing - 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.
• Nixon totally fucked her. Am I right?
• Do you have any weed? Oh, wait. Never mind. I do.
  
• Fuck. FUCK! What would Celine Dion do?
  
• Lady, you are not looking good right now.
  
• I SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE!